Iron (wo)Man

I have been hitting the gym pretty faithfully lately. A little more faithfully than even my quiet time, unfortunately. Usually, I am there in the late morning or early afternoon, and there is a certain. . .shall we say type? of person that I frequently see. I've made comments on my facebook, as I trudge along the endless path of the treadmill...about the people working out in jeans. The older people, doing leg flexes with their toes on machines that the buffer (i.e. not ME) people lift the equivalent of small houses on. The couple in the matching t-shirts, she in a long denim skirt and he (again) in jeans. Anyway, my point is that, while I exercise next to these people, and wait my turn on various machines along with them, they do not pose much of a threat to me. That self-consciousness that can come with appearing in public for the sole purpose of jiggling your jiggles and enduring a lot of unappealing sweat...it is not as severe during these workouts. Today, I could not make it to the gym until later, right before 5. . . muscle rush hour. Now, that self-consciousness that I was talking about, that is not going to stop me from doing my routine of cardio plus weight training. OK, to be honest, it will stop me from doing the dreaded sit-ups on the 1/2 exercise ball in between ALL the machines...but just that. So, today, I got on the elliptical-like machine (that's not an elliptical) next to a guy with a need for speed, who was next to a girl who was running from every Twinkie in the world on a treadmill. The gym was filled with this whole different vibe. People who were already in shape. Working out. To be in better shape? To avoid rush hour traffic? For FUN?!?? And I noticed, I worked a little harder, faster, and challenged myself a little more, in the midst of all the....fitness.
It made me think of my spiritual fitness. This has been a conversation among some good friends lately. I took great pleasure (I must confess) in calling one of my most physically fit friends a spiritual fatty. At the same time, there was some real accountability going on there. She has stepped up her walk with God a few notches. I have definitely been challenged by some good friends lately, and in the past have stepped up my walk because of all of the spiritual fitness around me. It sure beats hanging out on the spiritual couch, munching on spiritual junk food...being so out of shape I can't make it through a prayer without losing my breath or focus. And I don't know what the spiritual equivalent of sit-ups on a 1/2 exercise ball would be...but I'm guessing it is similar to my life the past few months.

The Point

I have been thinking a lot (well, a little-lot) about the Christmas season. How my life is not where I thought it would be a year ago. How the last thing I thought I'd be dealing with was a divorce and pre-mid-life crisis. Just to be fair, I have been having practice mid-life crisis-es (haha REBECCA B. leave me a comment with the correct word please!) since college...but anyway--Christmas. This year...etc...things have changed. Major things. I have all kinds of excuses to not be in "the holiday spirit." I have no home of my own to decorate. My decorations are in storage. I'm sad. I'm lonely. I'm not hosting any Christmas activities.
Are you starting to notice a trend? Me. I. My. ME I MY. How very un-Christ like. Not where I want to be. Not how I want to celebrate the birth of my Savior. How about if I showed up at your birthday party and played the role of Eeyore the whole time? Not a me that I want to see or to share. I'm not saying that I want to be fake or false or misrepresent what is going on with me. I am saying that even in the middle of all of this, I fully acknowledge that I/Me/My am not the main character of this season. Or even this life. It is not about my sadness, but about the power of God revealed when I allow him to work in me. It is not about my broken self, but about the strength I have in being rebuilt by him.
It was not about the manger, or the long donkey ride. Or the shepherds. Or how many months later the wise men showed up. It was about a woman and her husband being obedient to God, and struggling through his plan for their lives, so that HE might be glorified and HIS plan might be fulfilled.
It's not about the shopping. It's about the sharing. It's not about the dinners and parties and White Elephant gifts. It's about spending time worshipping him. It's not about the perfect idea or memory we want to create. It's about remembering who created us. It's not about posing for the perfect Christmas card, it's about revealing your real, flawed, broken and needy selves to the one who can "fix" it all (and to others who think THEY are the only ones not experiencing the perfect Christmas).
Please don't get me wrong. I am NOT comparing myself to Mary or Joseph. Or Jesus. Not at all. I'm not even saying we shouldn't celebrate, decorate, gift and enjoy our traditions and memories. I am simply saying that I am honored to call on the same God they did. To follow and put my trust in the same God who asked a man to still take a woman as his wife, though she was pregnant with a child not his own. Christmas will end. New Year's will roll around....and winter will be long (like it always is). But if I don't get this very big point, if I miss the lesson, then it might as well have been about the Me/I/My and gifts and lights and parties, and what a waste that would be.

For Jimmy

To my husband;

Today, for the first time in over two months, we sat in the same room. I was not under any illusion that things would or could change. I know God can do anything, if your heart is willing (or mine), but my point is that I was not in that room, sitting next to you, hoping for a change. I talked quietly with you while others went about their business. I made wise-cracks, made you laugh, and asked a concerned question or two. Those are the things you saw.
What you didn't see, as you leaned forward in your seat, nervous and fearing some kind of confrontation, was how my eyes would drift over to the back of your head, or your shoulders, and I would have to consciously choose not to touch you. Just to place my hand on your arm or back, or touch your face. I was so surprised by that, even though I know not a whole lot of time has passed since the end of us began, I truly did not expect to want to reach out to you. Partly out of habit, partly to comfort and calm you as I could see exactly what you were feeling in the way you held yourself, and partly to comfort myself.
Everything was so casual and so unreal, I am glad I didn't have time before today to wonder ahead of this moment, to think about where my heart would be. I feel no shame in admitting that I still love you, and will probably always care about you. How could I not? I loved you through so much hard stuff, and for so long, and as far as I know, I don't have a switch handy that I can just flip, to turn this off. And no matter what you've tried to convince yourself of, I know that you don't have that switch either.
I know things will fade, and that time and God will both heal my heart. But I also know that it should hurt, it should not be so easy to move out of the oneness of marriage. So I sat by you, with my deep thoughts and light conversation and hands tucked into my lap. And before I knew it, we were standing in front of another man. Only this time we were surrounded by strangers, not family and friends wishing to celebrate with us. And we were repeating words, taking an oath, and answering such personal questions. It went so fast, much like that other day, so fast I could hardly absorb the details or think to stop and slow it down. We stood before a man, unknown to us, who took apart what we had previously stood before our trusted pastor and friend and God to join together. In a matter of minutes we undid vows that we had made six years and one month ago. And, while I am trusting God with every moment and day, and have felt more peace (from Him, only from Him) than I thought possible, this ending was never in His loving plan for us, and it was never His will for us.
So today, my love, my heart, my best friend, I feel no shame in saying that I grieve this deeply, as I should. There was nothing right or good about today, but tomorrow, oh tomorrow, I have much hope in what He has for me tomorrow.

33 Things and some really bad math

The whole year (almost) that I was 24, I thought I was 25. There was no explanation for that, just some fluke in my brain. So, when I did turn 25 (a kind of important first adult milestone), I was like...."Ehh...." No biggie. And then, when I turned 30, that kinda sort of really sucked. So, at 32, I re-did my 30th birthday, on my terms. And it was a great time. Now, at 33 and 11.5/12ths (ROCK that fraction, will you?), I am doing the 24 feels like 25 type thing again. In my head, I am already 35, which is basically like 36, and that's so close to 40, you might as well call it 40. Ridiculous? Most certainly.
I always have numbers running through my head. Nothing extravagant, no Algebra or (God forbid) Trigonometry....but just numbers. Years people were born, old phone numbers or street addresses, even zip codes. When I am in whatever "zone" I might be in, I do math problems. I don't think about it or plan it, they just come out. (All of a sudden, I'm wondering if this is TOO weird or a sign of some deep, dark psychotic problem?? Ehhh...). The point (I think), is that as my birthday approaches, so do some other significant things in my life, more hard things, challenges, in the form of court dates, legal fees, budget issues, numbers numbers NUMBERS. And, while on one hand, I feel my clock ticking (not my have-a-baby-biological clock, just my regular age type clock), I don't want to jump ahead. I don't want to get so focused on the court dates and number of years invested in a marriage that didn't last and so on. God and I have done business on those issues, and I am quite sure we will continue to do business on them as often as needed. So, before my big 3-4 birthday comes Thanksgiving. And all this introduction blah-blah was just to say, I am thankful. For much. SO SO much. And here are just 33 of those things:
1. My parents. They raised me right and know more than I've ever given them credit for (but this COUNTS!).
2. My grandparents. They raised my parents right (ha!), and have given their families a legacy of faith and grace worth more than millions.
3. My siblings. God put us all together for a reason. I don't get to see them as much as I'd like, but I love them all.
4. My siblings' spouses. I am thankful for these 3 people who have loved my brothers and sister deeply, and who have made our family much better and richer (and more interesting...hahaha).
5. My church. I've said it before, but it can't be said too much. I have been blessed. These people, they care and they love and they give, without hesitation.
6. The leadership at my church. My pastors have, in my personal situation, encouraged, lifted up in prayer, challenged me and always always pointed me towards God.
7. My extended family, aunts and uncles and cousins. I know that I am loved, appreciated, and valued, and that knowledge helps my heart.
8. My van. It may be ugly and on (possibly) one of its last legs, but it represents the generosity of my parents and the freedom from a car payment.
9. My long-time spiritual mentor-type person. Knowing I can always be honest with her, and that she won't hesitate to ask me the tough questions or share in my joys too, rocks!
10. My school friends. I haven't talked much about not getting to finish my degree (again), but the year that I spent with some crazy people at Evangel was one of the highlights of the past decade.
11. Music. I'm no singer or musician, but I love good music. Especially praise and worship music that I can crank up and sing to when I am (preferably) by myself.
12. Books. I love to read. Enough said.
13. My Bible. Would not trade it for ANYTHING. In the world. Couldn't live without it.
14. My mental health. My counselor said, "So...what now? Want to just call me and check-in in a month or so, if you think you need it? Because I really don't know how much better you could be." HA! Praise God for guarding my heart, soul, mind, and mental stability--no joke.
15. The Y. Exercise doesn't (always) suck. Who knew?
16. Flip-flops.
17. Sarcasm.
well....you know what? I ran out of things. Not because I don't have a thankful heart...but because I didn't want the last 1/2 of my list to include things like "peanut butter" or "Redbox movies." Or maybe I'll just save those two items and continue tomorrow...?

A cup full

Or a full cup?
I have been extremely blessed lately. My heart is full. It is still broken and grieving, but God is quietly moving, sewing and bandaging and healing things that I don't notice until....well, until I notice them. I am so thankful, this Thanksgiving season, for so much. I have the greatest friends and a wonderful family. My church, oh my heart. My church has blessed me. Not only with obvious support and prayers, but through obedience. In our faith, the Bible has specific instructions for situations and issues. And confronting those issues, though straight-up Biblical, is often difficult, awkward, and un-fun. And I have experienced churches (good churches) who refused to stand in that gap, and the let-down was always difficult. But this church, the church that weighed heavily in the equation of returning to my husband's hometown, the church where we were married and where some of our best, most healthiest, times were spent, this church has been Church. To me. To my husband. The outcome was not God's design, but acting in obedience has encouraged me. I, too, can continue to try my best to obey, even when it's uncomfortable or awkward. Or hard. Or beyond my imagination. And the funny thing is, when I was weighing the decision, risk, cost, the everything of moving back here, I was always thinking about what would benefit Jimmy. And really, this church that knows how to be Church, it has been my beacon. MY benefit. My honor to be called a member. So, in a time of hard stuff and life-changes that I've had no vote in or control over, I have been blessed by much, filling my cup to the very brim, and for that, I am thankful.

Modern Woman's Prayer

Not that I am, by any means, "modern." Which is what they used to call trendy or in style back in the olden days (so I've heard)...but I jokingly texted a couple of these to my friend and accountability partner, and though they make me laugh a little, they are my heart's desire a lot.

Dear God, please help me to crave YOU the way I can crave chocolate.
Dear God, please help me to search for you as diligently as I search for the perfect pair of shoes.
Dear God, please help me to be as committed to reading your word as I am to updating my Facebook status.
Dear God, please help me to find as much (or MORE) rest in your promises as I do in my cozy flannel sheets.
Dear God, I want to know more about your love than I know about the latest Hollywood gossip.
Dear God, I want to be as concerned with your plans for my life as I am for my weekend.
Those were just a few. What would your Dear God prayer say?

Home?

Springfield. Home for so long. Full of good people and good memories. And actually, I have been gone for just one year. And now, it would seem, Springfield is the most likely candidate for future plans. Still, I am not excited about this. I'm not unexcited, but I'm not excited. You know? When I moved a year ago, I missed my Missouri people. I did not miss Springfield. No hard feelings, no unkind thoughts, I was just that sure that Kansas was the right move. I still think it was the right move. My heart said that my husband had the best chance of being successful, of living with his illness and struggles, in his hometown, with his family and our church and friends. My heart still says that his best chance lies in the little town that holds my heart. And while I am not making any permanent plans yet, in my own muddled mind, I just don't see how I could continue to live in this town. And Springfield holds MY family (a lot of them, anyway), and is near-er to the majority of the rest of my family. So, you know, convenience on top of everything else. Anyway. There's no real point in sharing this other, lower priority, struggle right now. It will be a while before I have to make any official decisions. But I am here now, for a few days, and hoping to find something to encourage me. No pressure, Springfield.

Corners

Today, I turned a corner. I highly doubt it will be the last corner in this specific time of my life (oh the ways we avoid saying the ugly words like "divorce" and "abandonment" and "adulterer"...oh wait, those are actually the better choices of some of the words floating in my head--ahem...back to the point). I don't know how long this corner will last before I am back to struggling through the day and with myself and my thoughts and so on. But I will take it. It is good to not think about things I am tired of thinking about. It is good to learn some new thoughts and aspects of God. Today I was lucky enough to get to drive 7 hours (round trip) to visit one of our kiddos. Most of the time, I do enjoy the driving part of my job, though sometimes it can get out of hand (14 hours, one day, no amount of caffeine justifies that). And today, I happened to have a good Christian radio station the whole way, which is rare on some of my more remote trips. I had good music, good speaking/teaching/preaching, and the same news report about 7 times. I had already been thinking about what I have allowed to fill my mind this past month. There really has been no music I can listen to except praise and worship stuff. It has done my heart good to hear the praise and focus on God, and believe me, I need constant reminders right now. Did you know that as much as God cares that I am hurting and healing etc...he ALSO has other plans for me? Did you know that he wants me to figure out how to focus on him now, more than ever? Did you know that he can and will use any hard or devastating thing in my life (and yours) to better understand his glory?

I know there are good and moral people in the world, people who exist and are kind and thoughtful and generous and recycle, but do not believe in a personal God, or any God at all. I don't know if I could make it through this if I only had self-help books and Oprah (GAH!) to help me "process." And I don't know the right arguments to convince, I can't tell them about dinosaurs and man and Noah's Ark and the scientific proofs of the Bible. But I can tell them how God has been working on me. Before my marriage, during my marriage, through the ending of my marriage, and I know he will work on me after my marriage is over. There is a sweet kind of reassurance to me that this event/issue/disaster is not the biggest thing God has planned for my life. And even though I have turned a corner today, I am really looking forward to 43 corners from now. When I can think, talk, blog, read, listen and sing about things that are not directly related to this ONE specific event. Process? Moment. Catastrophe? DIVORCE.

Autopilot

I have been pretty high-functioning for the mess I really am. That is my non-professional opinion, but really-I think I'm doing well, except for the other 50% of the time when I think that the grief in my heart will never lessen or end....but for today, we're going to focus on the positive.... I make it to work, I make it THROUGH work. I can go to church (well, Awanas so far), hang out with the girls, and so on. I can laugh. Lord knows I can cry (no joke, He knows!). But I guess crying wouldn't be evidence of high-functioning, would it? Anyway, it is hard to explain where my heart is at, how up and down it can be, how it can contradict my brain, or even itself. For those reasons, and for the awkwardness that accompanies a failing/failed marriage and social conversations, I have talked in-depth about this to very few people. Or, maybe to a lot of people. I don't really know sometimes. The thing is, I know what God's plan is for marriage. I believe, without any doubt, that he wants to see marriages restored, to see brokenness given to him, to be given the opportunity to be made more as each spouse submits, is refined, and becomes less. I LOVE that God wants that for marriages. I love that I don't even know every desire he has for marriage, and that he reveals himself to those who follow him in new and amazing ways, when we are obedient and willing.
So, knowing and trusting all these things, where does that leave me? Do I mentally and emotionally stay in a marriage until the last signature and stamp are dry on the divorce papers? Do I cry out to God to bring my husband to full repentance and brokenness before God? Do I have the "right" to be relieved that I don't have to endure the hard parts anymore? Am I supposed to put my hope in God to restore my marriage? . . . . . .oh--was I sounding like I had a clue what the answers were to those questions? Because I most certainly do not. I will tell you what answers I DO have. I know God is the same, yesterday, today, and tomorrow. His love for me did not fade because my husbands did (or whatever the heck happened, I have been left 99.99% in the dark on this). I know that God knows my pain, my shock, my conflicted heart. I know that he knows how much I do NOT know. Because I tell him, constantly some days. I know that my faith is weak in many ways, and the doubts I have about decisions and feelings and intentions are OK, as long as I am not deceiving myself. I know that God has placed people around me, not just to encourage me and help me feel better, but to seek wise counsel from. I know that God will provide wisdom, if I ask, and abundantly (thanks, Vacation Bible School theme verse!). I know that God is sovereign, and knew before I was born that I would be where I am today. And I know that he is able to do immeasurably more than I could ask or imagine. And right now, that might not be too big of a challenge for him, because I am still reeling most of the time, and the only things I am doing with my imagination is trying to keep it shut completely off, purely for survival at this time. So, go ahead, God, imagine on my behalf. Make some plans for me, open doors, provide guidance and wisdom, and, please--strength. I started this post thinking how much I've felt like I've been on autopilot, reading my Bible because I know it's the right thing, not because I can actually focus on it for any length of time. Praying out of desperation and confusion and pain. Choosing to guard my heart and resist impulsive decision-making, simply to avoid further pain or regret in the future. But, it seems to me, that I have not really been on autopilot. It seems that the things and habits and truth that I have been learning (and re-learning) for most of my life, are coming very much in handy right now. I don't know how much longer this "phase" will last. If I wasn't clear above, let me just state, I fully believe in the power of God, and that he could restore our marriage. But I do not have hope in the one that has turned to deceit and hardened his heart and left his marriage. I know God could fully restore him, and as his wife and someone who will always care for him, I would love to know that he truly found his place in his relationship with God. And, as terrified as it makes me, I know that I am married, until the last stamp and signature on the legal documents are dry and filed. I can't pray or hope for any person in this, not even myself. I only am able to pray that God's will be made known, that when I am asked to do hard things, I am obedient and faithful. Other than that, I am still a complete mess (though high-functioning) most of the time.

Blessed be

It is not my intention to make every moment of my life, even in this "season", a crisis. At the same time, what I am experiencing I would easily describe as "traumatic." Things are hard, and I am definitely grieving, though in different ways at different times (and for different things). My main goal and heart's desire is to not lose sight of God in all of this. That is easier said than lived, on a good day. Right now I am in the wilderness, as the song below refers to. I look forward to when the sun is again "shining down on me." In the mean time, I have been continually blessed by the friends and family that are, in some cases, literally standing by, ready at any time to offer encouragement or thoughts or just listen. I have received encouragement from people that I have never really talked to in person . I have been prayed for and with and over. I am content in knowing that there are plans that God has for me, and that he will reveal them to me in his timing. I could say more, but really, I am exhausted.

Consumer Alert

Thank you for your encouragement and comments. And lest you think that my spirit is completely down (it has its moments), here's the most important topic on my mind today:
Suave deodorant is not worth the savings. Usually, I am a fool for frugal (except where sushi is involved). Suave shampoo, I can use that until the 'fro gets too out of control. Aim toothpaste? I can push past the overwhelming thought that it is eating the enamel right of my teeth, if in a pinch. Sandpaper toilet paper? I actually PREFER that too the way too soft Kleenex brand. OK, so you can see, I am a willing participant in the "Cheaper is Better" experiment. But not where my pits are concerned. Back to the super expensive Dove brand it is.

So tired

So I have moved again. I, not we. I am so tired of moving, and have done so much over the past few years, and every few months, it seems like recently. I am so tired of moving and I am so tired of standing in the same place. I am tired of reliving the revelation that my marriage is not going to make it. The suddenness with which that can occur can literally knock the breath out of you. It did for me. If you've never experienced it, it is emotional and spiritual pain so deep that it hurts physically.
So I move. Again. To a house that is not my own, surrounded by only a few of my favorite things (the others are in storage) and the world's best dog. I am fully trusting in God, but it is a decision I have to make over and over again. I am not sorry I got married or sorry that I stayed in it for so long and through so much. I went forward after much heartache with my eyes and heart wide open, every drop of forgiveness and willingness given to me by God. I am sorry that it ended without a true, God-centered fight for its life.
If I sound sad, it's because I am. And as much as it sucks (and it DOES), it is a good thing, I think, to experience a sadness so deep. First, for the simple reason that I can not depend on myself to create my own happiness. Second, I am grieving, as I should be, the loss of a covenant that I made. The loss of promises made to me, the loss of a partner and my best friend.
I don't know what this loss will mean, or what my future will exactly look like (raise your hand if YOU know yours :) ), but I know what I know, and Who I know, and how I want to know His plans for me. And, as I have begun healing, I do find some release, relief, and excitement in the ability to make plans again. God has a purpose, I'm excited to find it. And I am thankful for my place in this house that is not my own, and for my church. And for my family and friends that are like family back in Missouri.

Family routines...and such...

I know that every family has their routines...their rhythm (or, as my Polish design teacher in college would mispronounce, "rhyth-muh"). Also, that was a design teacher who happened to be Polish, I did not take a class in Polish design....There are the cycles, the activities that become automatic and can be completed with little to no thought. Today, I took part in Murphy's favorite one.

1. Step 1-someone goes to let Murphy out of the back yard. There is no door directly leading to the back yard in our lovely house (one of my only drawbacks), so the privacy fence is opened and whomever is supervising the transition tries to make a grab for Murphy's collar as he comes bounding (BOUNDING) out of the gate.

2. Step 2-take the gamble. Will Muph follow his foster brother Chee-chee (we don't get to name them...) into the house? Lately, he has been deceptively obedient in this area.

3. Step 3-in the event that he makes a break for it, walk nonchalantly inside, dig car keys from some distant purse-cavern. Walk with ease of mind and slowness of step to the van.

4. Step 4-check all mirrors, back out of the driveway. Say a thankful prayer that we moved last month to this much less busy street.

5. Step 5-drive slowly to the end of the block. Timing is everything, if you drive too fast, Murphy might not be done taking his huge dump/leaving his huge gift on the corner house's lawn. Reach over and fling open the passenger door and call to Murphy as if you're getting ready to leave on the most exciting trip to the nearest McDonalds (McDouble, plain and no cheese).

6. Step 6-Hold Murphy's collar (of course he jumps into the van without issue), since you didn't bring the leash, steer with the other hand, say a prayer of thanks for no traffic, and drive .75 of a block backwards with your passenger door wide open.

7. Step 7-pull into driveway, your teammate tags in with the leash and closing the passenger door. Return to house, start again.

So long, farewell....

I will not miss this summer. It has been a hard summer of rebuilding and reuniting and re-other stuff...Jimmy came home. No matter what I expected, it was not what I expected. That's not to say that I am not as dedicated to this man as I was back in May. It IS to say that fixing broken things is hard. God is good, all the time. Even when we are struggling to get our marital bearings. Or our familial (bonus for that word) bearings. More on that later. Or our spiritual bearings. Turns out, for all the growth and greatness that God has blessed me with (HIS greatness, not my own...for those of you who think you know me too well...haha), for all of that, it turns out that I can still be pretty spiritually whiny sometimes. Just this week, I found myself thinking "Surely God would not bring me THIS far to just have things continue to feel like THIS." Well, why wouldn't he? Is that not an obvious example of how much I still need to give to him? To lean on him? Apparently there are still some dark corners (and bright and shiny obvious areas) of my life that haven't heard the latest message. It's not really about me. It's about HIM. It's not about how I want my marriage to be, what tone of voice I want my husband to talk to me in, what circumstance I would like to be different, or what lesson I think I've already learned WELL ENOUGH... Less of me. LESS. of me. Really? Are you sure? Haven't I "less-ed" enough yet?? Apparently not.
So, it has been a great summer in 158 ways. It has been a difficult summer in 398 ways. Difficult-ness beats greatness (for now), and I am ready for a break. The problem is...God has been moving. He is leading me places, connecting me to people, putting me in situations, that I would not have expected. And it is good. I mean, good to know that he is leading. Expecting. Testing. Waiting. Forgiving. Wiping my nose (spiritually). So I am ready to see what Fall brings. Less sweat. More peace. Deeper growth. More glory to him, less focus on me. And some brisk, cool breezes (as long as I'm making a list of wants...) would be nice too. So long summer..and whiny attitude...and dark corners of selfishness....hello, FALL...

What I learned for 80 bucks

Instead of going on and on about the posts I haven't been posting, the long month of getting to know my husband (and myself as a wife) all over again, the Deep and Spiritual growth occurring...I think today I will just share what goes on in my scattered brain.
As I sat in the chair at the oral surgeon's (code word for hard core dentist), I was grateful for the "anti-anxiety" pill that he had prescribed for me. It literally took me from a level of nervousness that had me considering canceling the appointment one minute to a nonchalant ambivalence the next. And really, when you know you're having a piece of your body ripped violently out while awake, ambivalence is the best you can hope for. SO, back to the chair. I could have just had the numbing shots, or the laughing gas for $80, or the I.V. stuff that "puts you in a drunken state" for an extra $200 (not covered by insurance). And really, if I wanted to be in a drunken state, I'm pretty sure I could have gotten myself there for much less than $200, though at 11 a.m. it might have proved a challenge. I opted for the gas, though, because I wanted to know as little about what was going on as possible. As I settled in the chair and they placed the mask on me, I literally felt all my cares float away. Even when they gave me a couple of rounds of shots, and I knew that my body was hurting and that I couldn't feel it, I just didn't care. I was conscious, but not concerned. And even in the midst of all the gas and pain medicine and Valium and numbing, I thought to myself, "This is how people can do the most horrible things, or allow the most horrible things to be done to them." I know, that is pretty deep for a dentist chair. But it opened my eyes to a world that I have little experience with. It showed me how prostitutes and abusers and addicts and broken people survive the continued damaging things through drug addictions. It took me about 3 minutes to not care if the dentist ripped out every tooth in my head, imagine what months or years on drugs would allow and abused girl-turned-prostitute to endure, without "caring." It was really an eye-opening experience (except for the part where I couldn't actually open my left eye for an hour or so because the shots "turned off my blinking muscle"). And a weird experience. Who thinks about these things in the dentist chair? Really? But as the hours have passed and my foggy brain has come back to its normal level of somewhat coherent thought....it occurs to me that this was actually an answer to prayer. In all of our relationship restoring and life rebuilding, Jimmy and I have been praying for wisdom. Not any specific kind of wisdom, but just that the wisdom of God would become more evident in our lives. That we would be able to see things with the light of the One who knows everything shining in our minds. I guess that today, God thought I needed to understand a bit more personally how people use drugs to hide pain. I don't know why, or how this wisdom will be used, but I thank God for the few minutes of teaching in the most unlikely of places.
What kind of wisdom are you seeking?

If you had asked me

If you had asked me, 2 years and 10 months ago, where I'd be today, you might have received a variety of answers. As far away from here as possible (my situation, my location, my grief, any or all of these "here's" ). Over it. Healed and moved on. Ready for a new relationship or something. Actually, I doubt I would have said that, because in the midst of my marriage crashing down around me, healing and new possibilities were beyond my comprehension. The point is, if you had asked me any sort of question that contained the possibility of my marriage still being INTACT, I would have looked at you in dumbstruck silence.
Our ways are not God's ways. What seems unreachable or un-doable or just plain too hard and unreasonable for even a Christian to attempt, God can and will do. The thing is, as much as I'd like to be one of those Christians that goes marching into battle, boldly putting on the armor of God and singing hymns loudly as I go--that is not me. I did not get up every day and praise God for his presence and peace. I did not sing "Swing low, sweet chariot" with a bittersweet confidence in God's healing and redemptive powers. The fact is, that God had to use all his tricks to get me to this point.
He broke this journey down in to bite-sized pieces. He made sure there were a lot of rest stops along the way. He surrounded me with all the right people at just the right times. He looked at my shell-shocked self and started out slowly. Really, really, REALLY slowly. He protected me when I needed protection, he challenged me when I needed challenging. He didn't force me to stay on this path, he didn't stop leading me when I strayed off of this path. Three years ago, when my world was falling apart, God was ready to start putting it back together, piece by tiny piece. And he has continued to give me Peace by tiny Peace. And here we stand, this week. My husband is home. We are going about the business of setting up his life again, determining the rules and boundaries, taking the risks, sharing tears and laughter and prayers. I thought the past three years were the journey, but they were only the preparation. God has spent this time bringing me to the starting line and now I must run the race. I know there will be more pain before the healing is complete. I know there is risk of failure. I know there are rocks and hills and narrow paths ahead. I know that Satan wants my marriage (and all marriages) to fail, because marriage is a reflection of God and his relationship with the church. I know that I am helpless to do anything but seek God and bind Satan, to desire my marriage be an honor to God, to give up myself and my selfishness so God can be more.
If you had asked me, even 6 or 9 months ago, if I would be EXCITED about just now starting this journey, I would have said no. I wasn't yet excited, but I was willing and I wanted to be obedient, even though I did NOT feel like it. So, here we are, 5 days in, already seeking God more than I could have imagined. It's a good thing that these decisions and outcomes were not based on the answers you'd have received, if you'd have asked me.

Thinking and thinking and...yep, thinking.

During this long and sporadic break from writing...I have also been thinking. What is this blog about? Me, me, me?? Or something more significant? If you had asked me, back when I started writing, what it was about...I would have probably said something along the lines of where God was taking me, what he had been teaching me about forgiveness, marriage, faith, and also some cooking and family thrown in. I'm not sure I have reached that goal, but I am not ready to throw in the towel, either.
One of the coolest things I've seen happen is other women in my life have started blogs. I was reading my sister-in-law's blog, talking about what she's been learning about respecting her husband and Biblical womanhood...and I followed her blog over to a site that I have now marked as a favorite. In the first few seconds, I not only saw what Kristin had referred to for her marriage, but I saw an article that seemed to be written just for me and my marriage (and our struggles). And now, two hours later....I am sharing with you one of the cool things I saw on the site there. If you go to Kristin's blog above, she will direct you to a website. And on that site they are asking for bloggers to sign up by June 1, to receive a copy of a book on biblical womanhood. Then, you just write a review on each of the 9 chapters on your blog between June 1 and September 1. Kind of cool, huh?
Anyway, as I have spent the last 8 (I was almost going to say 6, where did the time go??) months getting settled in Kansas, I have thought about this blog. What purpose does it serve? Is it just a silly hobby, or will I truly allow it to reflect my voice and what God is doing in my life? I am voting for the second choice. I do want to reflect honestly and openly the greatness of God in my life. I can not describe the peace I have had here. As much as I love Missouri and my family and friends there, Kansas has been ripe with opportunities already. I will share more on this in the future, but for now, just know that I am where God wants me.
And as for Jimmy, that story continues as well. I have struggled to accurately express how or why I could still be here, waiting. But, to borrow from an article on the website I was just talking about: A man has been unfaithful and separates from his wife. He comes to town for his daughter's graduation. The daughter tells her dad that she's so glad he's there, that she knows her parents' marriage will be healed and restored. The dad says "It's not possible, I have killed this marriage and your mom and I don't feel anything for each other anymore." She responds by saying, "But your raised me in a Christian home, and we believe in a God who raises the dead. This marriage is nothing to him, he can do it."
And that sums it up for me. My blog is about my life. My life has been a lesson (usually accomplished in the most stubbornly resistant and difficult way possible) in learning what it means to truly have faith. Also, it's definitely an incomplete lesson, but I'll keep you posted as I go. (get it, POSTED?? oh yeah....the humor is definitely high class...)

Easter

My computer and youtube were having issues for the past couple of days...but I am ending my Easter week with this:



God bless,

Easter

Easter

This song is Easter to me in its simplest form. It is the kind of hymn I grew up on, reminds me very much of hearing my parents or grandparents sing, standing next to me, in a church congregation. No fluff. No muss. Just the piano and voices singing.

Easter

I'm continuing my week of music that means Easter to me. This song pretty much sums up the "why" of Easter. Why did Christ willingly chose to endure, to be tortured, to be separated from his Father? So that I can say "My chains are gone....I've been set free!" To know that grace, to have been brought up believing in that grace, is greater than any fortune I could ever inherit.



The end of this song really sums it up. I don't place my faith in God for the help he brings me in THIS world, but for the glory that it will bring him in the next, FOREVER, world.

Easter

How beautiful

I did not give anything up for Lent. I have not thought a lot about the "true meaning of Easter" so far this year. Then, I went to church this morning, and my sweet friend Beth sang this song and it made me cry. And I've heard it before, many times, so I was a little surprised. But then, God has been making himself more real to me this past year than I have ever known him to be before. So, it makes sense that this song would break my heart now, today, THIS Easter.
I pray that your Easter week is filled with beauty and brokenness and that you are "waiting for your Groom with His light in your eyes."





Love,

It's a Big, Big House....with lots and lots of room...minus the "big" and "lots"

In a few weeks I will be moving. WHAT?!?
Calm down, seriously, you'll wake Murphy. For the last several months (since October), I have been living with my sister-in-law and her family in Kansas. I have loved 98.56% of every minute of it. I have seen more of my sweet and sassy niece and nephew in the last few months than the first 4 years (and 2.5) of their lives, and I have to say-they are pretty awesome (as are there parents). And as much as Murphy and I have enjoyed it here, I am excited about my new place.
It has exceeded my hopes in every way that a rental can. Does it smell funny? NO! Is it a duplex/apartment too close for comfort with neighbors? NO! Is it over my very optimistic budget? NO! In fact, it is under budget. It is a ridiculously small house, just one bedroom (I know!), and just about 700 square feet. In pristine condition, freshly painted and remodeled. Unfinished basement and huge storage shed for....well, you know-STORAGE. And I am excited about my elf-home challenge. How to fit me (and eventually Jimmy, and hopefully some little Jimmy's and little Carrie's...or at least A little one) and Murphy into a house that is smaller than most apartments AND only has one small closet. Take a moment, will you, and reflect on the ONE. SMALL. CLOSET. Am I revealing my inner-organizational geek when I tell you that the challenge of organizing a home that looks like a home and not a random pile of mops, brooms, winter clothes, and Christmas decorations makes me SUPER excited? Did I stay up way way WAY too late Friday night (after signing the lease) looking through the Ikea catalog and Googling "furniture for small spaces"? ? Yes. I did. I may have to post some of the interesting things I found. The washing machine that mounts on the wall behind your toilet and drains into your tank-GO GREEN to a new level. The bed that rolls up into the book case. The bed that hangs from the ceiling!
Anyway...the point is, I am looking forward to getting back to my own turf. And turf is a funny choice of a word, when you consider the slightly questionable neighborhood that I will (again, but different town) be living in. I look forward to getting back to blogging about all the exciting things in my life. And yes, exciting is an ironic choice of a word...but this is not a vocabulary critique so stop analyzing.
I am looking forward to seeing how long we can last in this house, before we burst through its seams. I am determined, and Jimmy is determined, for us to take advantage of this blessing. I must point out that I am also thankful that there is not a Container Store within a 7 hour drive of this town. . . though I did notice that you can order from the website. . .

Grace....stinkin' AMAZING

Time is tickin' away....(any old school D.C. Talk fans out there??)
Things will soon be changing. My husband will be coming home, and though I don't yet know the date, it is close enough to say "sooner than later". All of those things that have felt as if they were put on hold indefinitely will have to be decided, experienced, worked out, worked through, worked over...probably some wounds will be reopened, and for their own good. Healing will begin. Well, that's not true--a new type of healing will begin. But I can't discredit the healing that has already been "in progress."
As I get ready for this time, time that I know I will need prayer and encouragement more than ever, I can't help but just be in total, complete, mouth-dropping awe at what God has done for me. I have made it this far, by the GRACE of God. I have not filed for divorce, by the GRACE of God. I can honestly say that I love my husband now, more than ever, by the GRACE of God. I have maintained my God-given gift of humor, by the GRACE of God. I have been blessed by the prayers of many, because of God's GRACE in their lives. I am able to truly hope for the complete restoration of my marriage, because I know the GRACE of God. We still have so, so, SO far to go, and honestly, I don't care how long it takes us to get there. If you want to get down to it, the only thing I really care about is knowing more and more and more about God's grace. How to let it fill me up, how to let it pour from me. How to let our marriage be submerged in that grace. That said, there are two verses that are hitting home in our life this week.
The first one, I have been blessed to see in my own husband this week (well, more than this week, but this week it has knocked my socks off!).
Philippians 1:9 "He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus."

The second one kind of sums up how I got here, to this point of being ready and willing to walk through the fire with my husband, to be prepared (or at least hope I am) to be refined and redeemed together, through God's GRACE in healing our marriage.

2 Corinthians 4:16-18
Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.

Be praying!
Love,

Meat Bones

It has been a long, long week. (Swing low.....sweet chariot....too dramatic??)
It has been a long, long....everything. And in my head I've gotten kind of whiny. I have not blogged much in a long while, I keep thinking I have nothing to say. But, really, I miss saying all that nothing.
Today I was chit-chatting with a four-year-old. I said one of those usual grown-up things like "are you growing up big and strong?" and he said "yes, I have Meat Bones!" I said "oh, really? How's that?" He said "I've been eating lots of good food and now have meat bones."
Of course, we know he meant that he has "a lot of meat on his bones" but still....made me smile all day long.
And tonight, when my 3 and 11/12ths niece and I went to McDonalds to pick up dinner she said "Aunt Carrie, why did you hold my hand?" and I said "because I like you!" I don't think kids hear that enough, so I try to say it as much as I can to whatever child I'm hangin' with. It takes a village, people (but not the Village People (ALICIA))....
Other than that, I am just REALLY looking forward to spring...

The underwear didn't work

10 Reasons I bought a treadmill online from Wal-Mart without even trying it out first:

10. I have way too many things recorded on my DVR.
9. I had not made a New Year's resolution yet and I really wanted to go with something unique.
8. I am too lazy to join the Y. If there's no good parking I'll just drive home, and maybe stop at Taco Bell for a bean burrito on the way. (I have NO shame!)
7. It should embarrass me more to tell people that I'm "eating for two" and then point to my pregnant sister-in-law's belly.
6. I should not be able to keep pace with her 2nd trimester snacking schedule, but I do.
5. It's a walking treadmill that's motor doesn't even go above 4 mph...so it's not like there's any danger of me accidentally breaking into a slow jog.
4. I can't afford the $700 "treadmill desk" and I'm not sure my boss would let me walk while I work...seems I have a reputation for being a bit clumsy.
3. I am hoping this return to the only proven exercise I've ever enjoyed will lead to other exciting and glorious health accomplishments.
2. I look forward to seeing what fun Murphy will have when I take him for nice, long, "walks."
1. MOST IMPORTANTLY: You can only buy new underwear so many times before you have to make some BIG CHANGES.
So, there you have it. Today I will post a picture of the Geriatric Walk-Mill 2000. When it arrives I will post my before picture. Oh dear me. Maybe I should just post a picture of the before underwear? Not me IN the underwear, mind you. . . wait--I just remembered that MY GRANNY reads this blog. Picture of me, fully clothed, sucking it in, to follow.

Loss

This has been a hard week for my family. Both sides have experienced death. One was unexpected, one was not a total surprise. One was a mom with almost grown kids and lots of years left to live. One was an elderly man with totally grown kids, mostly grown grand kids, and growing great-grand kids, retired for many years and not many things left to accomplish on his life's to-do list, but still a treasured member of his family. Two different lives, the same kind of loss, one more sudden but no more or less a loss than the other. It hurts to see people you love hurting. Pray for us, for my sister-in-law and her family who lost her dear sister (a pain I can NOT imagine), and pray for my in-laws who lost a grandpa and father. I am thankful that I know a God that can comfort any loss, that KNOWS loss, and that sees the bigger picture. I am thankful that where I lack, and what I long for, He will use to draw me closer to him.