Home?

Springfield. Home for so long. Full of good people and good memories. And actually, I have been gone for just one year. And now, it would seem, Springfield is the most likely candidate for future plans. Still, I am not excited about this. I'm not unexcited, but I'm not excited. You know? When I moved a year ago, I missed my Missouri people. I did not miss Springfield. No hard feelings, no unkind thoughts, I was just that sure that Kansas was the right move. I still think it was the right move. My heart said that my husband had the best chance of being successful, of living with his illness and struggles, in his hometown, with his family and our church and friends. My heart still says that his best chance lies in the little town that holds my heart. And while I am not making any permanent plans yet, in my own muddled mind, I just don't see how I could continue to live in this town. And Springfield holds MY family (a lot of them, anyway), and is near-er to the majority of the rest of my family. So, you know, convenience on top of everything else. Anyway. There's no real point in sharing this other, lower priority, struggle right now. It will be a while before I have to make any official decisions. But I am here now, for a few days, and hoping to find something to encourage me. No pressure, Springfield.

Corners

Today, I turned a corner. I highly doubt it will be the last corner in this specific time of my life (oh the ways we avoid saying the ugly words like "divorce" and "abandonment" and "adulterer"...oh wait, those are actually the better choices of some of the words floating in my head--ahem...back to the point). I don't know how long this corner will last before I am back to struggling through the day and with myself and my thoughts and so on. But I will take it. It is good to not think about things I am tired of thinking about. It is good to learn some new thoughts and aspects of God. Today I was lucky enough to get to drive 7 hours (round trip) to visit one of our kiddos. Most of the time, I do enjoy the driving part of my job, though sometimes it can get out of hand (14 hours, one day, no amount of caffeine justifies that). And today, I happened to have a good Christian radio station the whole way, which is rare on some of my more remote trips. I had good music, good speaking/teaching/preaching, and the same news report about 7 times. I had already been thinking about what I have allowed to fill my mind this past month. There really has been no music I can listen to except praise and worship stuff. It has done my heart good to hear the praise and focus on God, and believe me, I need constant reminders right now. Did you know that as much as God cares that I am hurting and healing etc...he ALSO has other plans for me? Did you know that he wants me to figure out how to focus on him now, more than ever? Did you know that he can and will use any hard or devastating thing in my life (and yours) to better understand his glory?

I know there are good and moral people in the world, people who exist and are kind and thoughtful and generous and recycle, but do not believe in a personal God, or any God at all. I don't know if I could make it through this if I only had self-help books and Oprah (GAH!) to help me "process." And I don't know the right arguments to convince, I can't tell them about dinosaurs and man and Noah's Ark and the scientific proofs of the Bible. But I can tell them how God has been working on me. Before my marriage, during my marriage, through the ending of my marriage, and I know he will work on me after my marriage is over. There is a sweet kind of reassurance to me that this event/issue/disaster is not the biggest thing God has planned for my life. And even though I have turned a corner today, I am really looking forward to 43 corners from now. When I can think, talk, blog, read, listen and sing about things that are not directly related to this ONE specific event. Process? Moment. Catastrophe? DIVORCE.

Autopilot

I have been pretty high-functioning for the mess I really am. That is my non-professional opinion, but really-I think I'm doing well, except for the other 50% of the time when I think that the grief in my heart will never lessen or end....but for today, we're going to focus on the positive.... I make it to work, I make it THROUGH work. I can go to church (well, Awanas so far), hang out with the girls, and so on. I can laugh. Lord knows I can cry (no joke, He knows!). But I guess crying wouldn't be evidence of high-functioning, would it? Anyway, it is hard to explain where my heart is at, how up and down it can be, how it can contradict my brain, or even itself. For those reasons, and for the awkwardness that accompanies a failing/failed marriage and social conversations, I have talked in-depth about this to very few people. Or, maybe to a lot of people. I don't really know sometimes. The thing is, I know what God's plan is for marriage. I believe, without any doubt, that he wants to see marriages restored, to see brokenness given to him, to be given the opportunity to be made more as each spouse submits, is refined, and becomes less. I LOVE that God wants that for marriages. I love that I don't even know every desire he has for marriage, and that he reveals himself to those who follow him in new and amazing ways, when we are obedient and willing.
So, knowing and trusting all these things, where does that leave me? Do I mentally and emotionally stay in a marriage until the last signature and stamp are dry on the divorce papers? Do I cry out to God to bring my husband to full repentance and brokenness before God? Do I have the "right" to be relieved that I don't have to endure the hard parts anymore? Am I supposed to put my hope in God to restore my marriage? . . . . . .oh--was I sounding like I had a clue what the answers were to those questions? Because I most certainly do not. I will tell you what answers I DO have. I know God is the same, yesterday, today, and tomorrow. His love for me did not fade because my husbands did (or whatever the heck happened, I have been left 99.99% in the dark on this). I know that God knows my pain, my shock, my conflicted heart. I know that he knows how much I do NOT know. Because I tell him, constantly some days. I know that my faith is weak in many ways, and the doubts I have about decisions and feelings and intentions are OK, as long as I am not deceiving myself. I know that God has placed people around me, not just to encourage me and help me feel better, but to seek wise counsel from. I know that God will provide wisdom, if I ask, and abundantly (thanks, Vacation Bible School theme verse!). I know that God is sovereign, and knew before I was born that I would be where I am today. And I know that he is able to do immeasurably more than I could ask or imagine. And right now, that might not be too big of a challenge for him, because I am still reeling most of the time, and the only things I am doing with my imagination is trying to keep it shut completely off, purely for survival at this time. So, go ahead, God, imagine on my behalf. Make some plans for me, open doors, provide guidance and wisdom, and, please--strength. I started this post thinking how much I've felt like I've been on autopilot, reading my Bible because I know it's the right thing, not because I can actually focus on it for any length of time. Praying out of desperation and confusion and pain. Choosing to guard my heart and resist impulsive decision-making, simply to avoid further pain or regret in the future. But, it seems to me, that I have not really been on autopilot. It seems that the things and habits and truth that I have been learning (and re-learning) for most of my life, are coming very much in handy right now. I don't know how much longer this "phase" will last. If I wasn't clear above, let me just state, I fully believe in the power of God, and that he could restore our marriage. But I do not have hope in the one that has turned to deceit and hardened his heart and left his marriage. I know God could fully restore him, and as his wife and someone who will always care for him, I would love to know that he truly found his place in his relationship with God. And, as terrified as it makes me, I know that I am married, until the last stamp and signature on the legal documents are dry and filed. I can't pray or hope for any person in this, not even myself. I only am able to pray that God's will be made known, that when I am asked to do hard things, I am obedient and faithful. Other than that, I am still a complete mess (though high-functioning) most of the time.

Blessed be

It is not my intention to make every moment of my life, even in this "season", a crisis. At the same time, what I am experiencing I would easily describe as "traumatic." Things are hard, and I am definitely grieving, though in different ways at different times (and for different things). My main goal and heart's desire is to not lose sight of God in all of this. That is easier said than lived, on a good day. Right now I am in the wilderness, as the song below refers to. I look forward to when the sun is again "shining down on me." In the mean time, I have been continually blessed by the friends and family that are, in some cases, literally standing by, ready at any time to offer encouragement or thoughts or just listen. I have received encouragement from people that I have never really talked to in person . I have been prayed for and with and over. I am content in knowing that there are plans that God has for me, and that he will reveal them to me in his timing. I could say more, but really, I am exhausted.

Consumer Alert

Thank you for your encouragement and comments. And lest you think that my spirit is completely down (it has its moments), here's the most important topic on my mind today:
Suave deodorant is not worth the savings. Usually, I am a fool for frugal (except where sushi is involved). Suave shampoo, I can use that until the 'fro gets too out of control. Aim toothpaste? I can push past the overwhelming thought that it is eating the enamel right of my teeth, if in a pinch. Sandpaper toilet paper? I actually PREFER that too the way too soft Kleenex brand. OK, so you can see, I am a willing participant in the "Cheaper is Better" experiment. But not where my pits are concerned. Back to the super expensive Dove brand it is.

So tired

So I have moved again. I, not we. I am so tired of moving, and have done so much over the past few years, and every few months, it seems like recently. I am so tired of moving and I am so tired of standing in the same place. I am tired of reliving the revelation that my marriage is not going to make it. The suddenness with which that can occur can literally knock the breath out of you. It did for me. If you've never experienced it, it is emotional and spiritual pain so deep that it hurts physically.
So I move. Again. To a house that is not my own, surrounded by only a few of my favorite things (the others are in storage) and the world's best dog. I am fully trusting in God, but it is a decision I have to make over and over again. I am not sorry I got married or sorry that I stayed in it for so long and through so much. I went forward after much heartache with my eyes and heart wide open, every drop of forgiveness and willingness given to me by God. I am sorry that it ended without a true, God-centered fight for its life.
If I sound sad, it's because I am. And as much as it sucks (and it DOES), it is a good thing, I think, to experience a sadness so deep. First, for the simple reason that I can not depend on myself to create my own happiness. Second, I am grieving, as I should be, the loss of a covenant that I made. The loss of promises made to me, the loss of a partner and my best friend.
I don't know what this loss will mean, or what my future will exactly look like (raise your hand if YOU know yours :) ), but I know what I know, and Who I know, and how I want to know His plans for me. And, as I have begun healing, I do find some release, relief, and excitement in the ability to make plans again. God has a purpose, I'm excited to find it. And I am thankful for my place in this house that is not my own, and for my church. And for my family and friends that are like family back in Missouri.