From this day forward

Today is my anniversary. Our anniversary. Five years. Is it awkward to think about it, to talk about my marriage in a celebratory manner? It's not the picture of success. It's not filled with great achievements and testaments of love. There has been more brokenness than healing. More hurt than heart. More strike outs than home runs. I generally don't receive "Happy Anniversary" cards or calls from anyone. I don't blame them, I think it would be hard to know what to do or how to say it. And I don't write this with a heavy or angry heart, towards anyone. Not even my husband, who is serving time. In prison. Which is hard to say out loud, but it's the truth.
Last night, when I began writing this, there was a lot more to the post. I am cutting it all because, if you know me, then you know my thoughts and feelings and the finer details of what God has been teaching me. If you don't know me, then the way I feel about my marriage can be summed up by simply stating that it has been harder than anything I've ever imagined. At the same time, I am confident that it is totally 100% by God's power that I am still here. And knowing that gives me more encouragement and peace than anything else could. There are a lot of verses that God has blown my mind with in the past several years, but really, there is a praise song that speaks my heart every time I hear it.
This is what I'm learning, what I am knowing more and more in my life, because of where my marriage, our marriage, has taken me.
"and even when I'm caught in the middle of the storms of this life, I won't turn back-I know you are near."
And the last part of the song is my prayer for my life, our marriage, as I continue to give it to God over and over (and over and over and...).

And I can see a light that is coming

for the heart that holds on.

A glorious light beyond all compare.

And there will be an end to these troubles,

but until that day comes
We’ll live to know You here on the earth.

This post is dedicated to my one and only (only being the keyword) favorite little sister. Alicia. Louisa. Elizabeth. Anne. She is...."just too good to be true....ba-dap, ba-dap, ba-dap, ba-da-da.........I love you BABY...." And she is "hip to be cool..." The "Cherished One" and......"the apple of my eye...." How about you, can you think of any other good cheesy oldies songs? What cheesey songs would your little sister describe herself with if she was writing on your blog on your computer unbeknownst to you? ;)

For I know the plans I have for you

Just about 2 years ago, I was going through an extremely hard time. My husband and I had separated, and all signs pointed to the end of our marriage. I wanted to escape, to run away, to get the heck out of Dodge. When I wasn't pulling my car over to the side of the road so I could sob uncontrollably (and safely), I was wishing for an "out." A chance to make my way to a different zip code and a different life.
I would surf the jobs, looking wistfully at the (low-paying and sketchy) nanny jobs in New York or Florida or even Ohio. I didn't care. I saw an ad for a political job. Lots of training, expenses paid, travel from town to town (this was a year before the presidential election). I submitted my application, got a call and a pre-interview. Then, for some reason, when the real interview time came, I just didn't follow through with it. Probably because I had enough chaos in my life. Probably because God was in control, even in the middle of all that grief and hopelessness. I thought nothing about the job, went on with my life, stayed where I was (in so many ways), and God continued to provide and to care and to heal and to reveal many things in my life.
The past few months, it has been a continuous blessing to me to see where I did not end up. This little escape of mine would have been with a company called ACORN.
I have had many chances to make the wrong choice in my life. I have reaped many of the non-rewards of taking the wrong path. It's nice, every once in a while, to see that sticking it out has a plus side. You know, like avoiding being in the middle of an embarrassing, illegal, public national scandal.

Banana Love

Who knew that this
(pic borrowed from http://hobblecreekkitchen.blogspot.com)

Plus this

Would equal bliss?

The instructions call to add 3 bananas to the cake mix and follow the rest of the directions. I used a bundt pan (anyone else having Big Fat Greek Wedding flashbacks??) and was nervous that I would have a huge mess on my hands.

See where the overflow came through the hole of the bundt?
The cake was so moist, I was worried it wouldn't come out of the pan (this was a worrisome first time recipe, I guess).

It came out quite nicely, and it SMELLED awesome!

I used a basic cream cheese frosting. The picture is blurry, but all the better to hide the lumps in the frosting. This is what we call a "rustic" recipe.

Topped with crushed pecans and ready to head to work.

A close up to show how un-perfectionist I am (in case you weren't already aware of this).

To make:

1 yellow cake mix

oil/water/eggs as called for on mix box

3 very ripe bananas. You could total use 2 and still be fine.

Mix batter, make sure bananas are well blended. Bake at 350 for 40-50 minutes (if using a bundt pan). Otherwise, start with the box instructions for your type of pan and plan on checking towards the end of the baking time and adjusting as necessary.

I have made this again with a more glaze based and lighter frosting. You could even sprinkle powdered sugar over, just before serving.

You can't always get what you want

I have spent the greater part of my life learning this. And you can whine and kick and scream and manipulate and bargain...but you really CAN'T always get what you want.
However,
Philippians 4:19 "And my God will supply all your needs according to His riches in glory in Christ Jesus."
Things are changing. Or, rather, I am in a position or experiencing the opportunity to make some decisions now that I have not been in for at least two years. If you know me personally or have read this, then you know that my life is not as stable as I would like. In fact, one of the small blessings that I have clung to during the past two years of my separation was the small amount of stability that I experienced. And as much as I clung to everything that I thought would bring or maintain stability, I am now learning the second part of "You can't always get what you want."
As I prepare to move to another state, to change jobs in a very uncertain job market, to postpone school (I KNOW!) for at least one semester, to return to my (epitome of "unstable") marriage. . . stability is what I want. A good job. Steady paycheck. Signed lease. Some kind of written commitment or sign from God that this will end the way I want it to. And so on. Those are the things I want (and also a cherry red Kitchen Aid mixer, but let's keep our priorities ok?). I, not knowing the future, not knowing the plans God has for me or the trials and struggles that lie ahead, not knowing what will be required of me, I haven't got a CLUE what I need.
I have no guarantees about anything. Except for my belief (to my very core) that MY God will supply ALL my needs. . . "
Will my paycheck be as big as I want it? I don't know, God's "glorious riches" are nothing that my tiny little mind can fathom. Will my husband remain dedicated to dealing with his illness and making the changes in his life that will allow us to heal our marriage? NO CLUE! But God's glorious (GLORIOUS!) riches will be there, every second, meeting my every need. Will I finally have some stability, something that resembles a "normal" life, one that doesn't cause awkward silences when you reveal too much "realness" even among your Christian friends? Beats the heck out of me! But you know what? If things continue to be bumpy (as they are sure to be for a while and maybe always a bit because when you're dealing with mental illness and wrecked lives there is a bit of DEBRIS), and I don't find that "stability" that I want, then I must not have needed it. Much like if I go outside tomorrow and my little old minivan hasn't turned into a zippy and stylish little whatever car. . . I must not have NEEDED the zippy little thing (though I would question this when it comes to parallel parking, of course). Does this make sense? I think it did, at one point. . . :)
Anyway, I am moving. To my husband's home town. In preparation for his parole. (awkward pause?). I feel like this is the best place for him and for us right now. His family is so loving and supportive, our church here has always been our "home church" even after years apart, and it is just a lovely small/big town in central Kansas. Pray for us, if you will. Pray that we focus more on God every day, that we are content to have our needs met through His glorious riches rather than by our own selfish wants and agendas. Pray for healing of many broken relationships, for our own broken spirits, and for the faith to fly by the seat of our pants for God rather than settle for stability, if that is what we need.