From this day forward

Today is my anniversary. Our anniversary. Five years. Is it awkward to think about it, to talk about my marriage in a celebratory manner? It's not the picture of success. It's not filled with great achievements and testaments of love. There has been more brokenness than healing. More hurt than heart. More strike outs than home runs. I generally don't receive "Happy Anniversary" cards or calls from anyone. I don't blame them, I think it would be hard to know what to do or how to say it. And I don't write this with a heavy or angry heart, towards anyone. Not even my husband, who is serving time. In prison. Which is hard to say out loud, but it's the truth.
Last night, when I began writing this, there was a lot more to the post. I am cutting it all because, if you know me, then you know my thoughts and feelings and the finer details of what God has been teaching me. If you don't know me, then the way I feel about my marriage can be summed up by simply stating that it has been harder than anything I've ever imagined. At the same time, I am confident that it is totally 100% by God's power that I am still here. And knowing that gives me more encouragement and peace than anything else could. There are a lot of verses that God has blown my mind with in the past several years, but really, there is a praise song that speaks my heart every time I hear it.
This is what I'm learning, what I am knowing more and more in my life, because of where my marriage, our marriage, has taken me.
"and even when I'm caught in the middle of the storms of this life, I won't turn back-I know you are near."
And the last part of the song is my prayer for my life, our marriage, as I continue to give it to God over and over (and over and over and...).

And I can see a light that is coming

for the heart that holds on.

A glorious light beyond all compare.

And there will be an end to these troubles,

but until that day comes
We’ll live to know You here on the earth.

This post is dedicated to my one and only (only being the keyword) favorite little sister. Alicia. Louisa. Elizabeth. Anne. She is...."just too good to be true....ba-dap, ba-dap, ba-dap, ba-da-da.........I love you BABY...." And she is "hip to be cool..." The "Cherished One" and......"the apple of my eye...." How about you, can you think of any other good cheesy oldies songs? What cheesey songs would your little sister describe herself with if she was writing on your blog on your computer unbeknownst to you? ;)

For I know the plans I have for you

Just about 2 years ago, I was going through an extremely hard time. My husband and I had separated, and all signs pointed to the end of our marriage. I wanted to escape, to run away, to get the heck out of Dodge. When I wasn't pulling my car over to the side of the road so I could sob uncontrollably (and safely), I was wishing for an "out." A chance to make my way to a different zip code and a different life.
I would surf the jobs, looking wistfully at the (low-paying and sketchy) nanny jobs in New York or Florida or even Ohio. I didn't care. I saw an ad for a political job. Lots of training, expenses paid, travel from town to town (this was a year before the presidential election). I submitted my application, got a call and a pre-interview. Then, for some reason, when the real interview time came, I just didn't follow through with it. Probably because I had enough chaos in my life. Probably because God was in control, even in the middle of all that grief and hopelessness. I thought nothing about the job, went on with my life, stayed where I was (in so many ways), and God continued to provide and to care and to heal and to reveal many things in my life.
The past few months, it has been a continuous blessing to me to see where I did not end up. This little escape of mine would have been with a company called ACORN.
I have had many chances to make the wrong choice in my life. I have reaped many of the non-rewards of taking the wrong path. It's nice, every once in a while, to see that sticking it out has a plus side. You know, like avoiding being in the middle of an embarrassing, illegal, public national scandal.