New things doesn't mean new me

There are a lot of new-ish things in my life. Well, a few. And as I am rebuilding my life and looking to God for direction and so on....a lot of encouraging friends have mentioned my fresh start...new start...start from scratch and (insert your own starting over phrase here). It has made me think about this (poor neglected) blog. Do I want to edit it, to hide posts from before, posts that talk about my previous marriage etc...Do I want to just scrap this blog all together and start one with a different name? And I think the answer to that is....nope. If God's grace is new every morning, and if He is renewing my spirit, creating in me a clean heart...and all the other songs/psalms we hear...then why would I want to abandon this blog, or change the way it reflects my life? I am still in the same place in many ways, I am left without any of the normal things we use to define ourselves. I am waiting and seeking, I am still being encouraged by friends. Still lots of the same goodness. I have spent the past month soaking up family time and friend time. I don't know what's ahead, really in the dark here. But my heart is the same heart, and it is in the same hands of the One who created it, and so I am starting fresh, from here, with peace and excitement.

For I know the plans I have for you

Just about 2 years ago, I was going through an extremely hard time. My husband and I had separated, and all signs pointed to the end of our marriage. I wanted to escape, to run away, to get the heck out of Dodge. When I wasn't pulling my car over to the side of the road so I could sob uncontrollably (and safely), I was wishing for an "out." A chance to make my way to a different zip code and a different life.
I would surf the jobs, looking wistfully at the (low-paying and sketchy) nanny jobs in New York or Florida or even Ohio. I didn't care. I saw an ad for a political job. Lots of training, expenses paid, travel from town to town (this was a year before the presidential election). I submitted my application, got a call and a pre-interview. Then, for some reason, when the real interview time came, I just didn't follow through with it. Probably because I had enough chaos in my life. Probably because God was in control, even in the middle of all that grief and hopelessness. I thought nothing about the job, went on with my life, stayed where I was (in so many ways), and God continued to provide and to care and to heal and to reveal many things in my life.
The past few months, it has been a continuous blessing to me to see where I did not end up. This little escape of mine would have been with a company called ACORN.
I have had many chances to make the wrong choice in my life. I have reaped many of the non-rewards of taking the wrong path. It's nice, every once in a while, to see that sticking it out has a plus side. You know, like avoiding being in the middle of an embarrassing, illegal, public national scandal.

Home Sweet Home....FINALLY!

A year ago (well, 11 months) I was packing up my house and preparing to move to an apartment. The circumstances that led me to leaving the 100+ year old house that I loved, the old house with the huge windows and REAL hardwood floors, with the front porch AND front stoop, the house with all the potential and some of the dreams...those circumstances that were leading me to leave one chapter were opening a new one. This one would be called "Stability." Not "Here are all the answers" or "Everything will now fall magically into place," just "Stability." That one thing was so important to me, I needed it for so long, long before I even knew I was missing it. And so I moved. Some of my circumstances came with me (I'll talk about this soon. . . maybe), and some of them didn't. My new apartment was truly a godsend. Affordable. Old neighborhood (almost as old as the one I was leaving). Character. Big windows. Hardwood (pergo?) floors. Small enough to feel cozy and big enough to be a home (like my house).
This past year has brought more questions for me than answers. I wish I had a long-term plan and could tell people I know for sure what will happen. I don't and I can't. What I can do is give a status report. I have lived in the same place for (about) a year. I am no longer going from job to job as we move from town to town. I am in school again (answer to lots of prayers, I know). I live a simple life. I go to work, I come home. I spend time with my family. I go to church (if you don't count the holidays). My goals are simple. Continue to do what I'm doing until God tells me something different.
Off and on this past year I have thought about moving. I have ALWAYS been an apartment/house seeker. What's out there? New and shiny? Old and charming? (Old and charming always wins with me) And up until the past week, I really thought I would move to a different, quieter, location when my lease is up. That feeling has been growing dimmer. This home that I've created is not big on fancy furniture or the latest gadgets, but it has become a haven for me, a calm, consistent place to do what I have to do, to put my life back together, to prepare for what may come, to get to the point where I can be excited about things again, to look forward to things, to enjoy whatever there is to enjoy.
Before the inspirational music starts to roll. . . let me just say that the odds are high that if you are reading this, then you already know part or most of my story. And that means that you have been part of what has been so good for me this past year, the growing relationships, the support, the prayers, the movie going partner and chips and salsa partaker. So thank you. Feel free to stop by sometime, I'll make you dinner or a glass of sweet tea.

Commitment Issues

I have commitment issues. I bring this up because it was my biggest drawback to starting a blog. I have all the evidence I need to support this theory. Plastic storage tubs full of patterns and material. Yarn. Empty photo albums. Several years worth of unwritten and un-sent Christmas cards (and a VERY Merry Christmas to you!). All the supplies for Pampered Chef business success. . . and so on. The yarn is especially ambitious as I can only crochet in a straight line and sometimes turn.

But I have a theory about my theory. I think that all of my commitment issues can be solved with one basic issue. If I could only resolve this one issue...stay committed just long enough...I believe that all of my other procrastinations and postponements would start to fall into place.

Don't think I haven't tried. Again. And again and again. Sometimes, after several failures, I will give up for a while...but I always go back to it. THIS time will be different. THIS time I will see it through to the end. If I just do this...or that..this time I will remain committed.

I did this today. Went through my little conversation in my head. Convinced myself for the 10 billionth time that THIS time was it.

This is the milk that I threw out today because...

of this milk I bought at Wal-Mart (and also b/c it expired LAST YEAR),
even though...

this one still has a cereal bowl's worth of milk left.
I feel the calcium seeping from my bones as we type.