If you had asked me

If you had asked me, 2 years and 10 months ago, where I'd be today, you might have received a variety of answers. As far away from here as possible (my situation, my location, my grief, any or all of these "here's" ). Over it. Healed and moved on. Ready for a new relationship or something. Actually, I doubt I would have said that, because in the midst of my marriage crashing down around me, healing and new possibilities were beyond my comprehension. The point is, if you had asked me any sort of question that contained the possibility of my marriage still being INTACT, I would have looked at you in dumbstruck silence.
Our ways are not God's ways. What seems unreachable or un-doable or just plain too hard and unreasonable for even a Christian to attempt, God can and will do. The thing is, as much as I'd like to be one of those Christians that goes marching into battle, boldly putting on the armor of God and singing hymns loudly as I go--that is not me. I did not get up every day and praise God for his presence and peace. I did not sing "Swing low, sweet chariot" with a bittersweet confidence in God's healing and redemptive powers. The fact is, that God had to use all his tricks to get me to this point.
He broke this journey down in to bite-sized pieces. He made sure there were a lot of rest stops along the way. He surrounded me with all the right people at just the right times. He looked at my shell-shocked self and started out slowly. Really, really, REALLY slowly. He protected me when I needed protection, he challenged me when I needed challenging. He didn't force me to stay on this path, he didn't stop leading me when I strayed off of this path. Three years ago, when my world was falling apart, God was ready to start putting it back together, piece by tiny piece. And he has continued to give me Peace by tiny Peace. And here we stand, this week. My husband is home. We are going about the business of setting up his life again, determining the rules and boundaries, taking the risks, sharing tears and laughter and prayers. I thought the past three years were the journey, but they were only the preparation. God has spent this time bringing me to the starting line and now I must run the race. I know there will be more pain before the healing is complete. I know there is risk of failure. I know there are rocks and hills and narrow paths ahead. I know that Satan wants my marriage (and all marriages) to fail, because marriage is a reflection of God and his relationship with the church. I know that I am helpless to do anything but seek God and bind Satan, to desire my marriage be an honor to God, to give up myself and my selfishness so God can be more.
If you had asked me, even 6 or 9 months ago, if I would be EXCITED about just now starting this journey, I would have said no. I wasn't yet excited, but I was willing and I wanted to be obedient, even though I did NOT feel like it. So, here we are, 5 days in, already seeking God more than I could have imagined. It's a good thing that these decisions and outcomes were not based on the answers you'd have received, if you'd have asked me.

Thinking and thinking and...yep, thinking.

During this long and sporadic break from writing...I have also been thinking. What is this blog about? Me, me, me?? Or something more significant? If you had asked me, back when I started writing, what it was about...I would have probably said something along the lines of where God was taking me, what he had been teaching me about forgiveness, marriage, faith, and also some cooking and family thrown in. I'm not sure I have reached that goal, but I am not ready to throw in the towel, either.
One of the coolest things I've seen happen is other women in my life have started blogs. I was reading my sister-in-law's blog, talking about what she's been learning about respecting her husband and Biblical womanhood...and I followed her blog over to a site that I have now marked as a favorite. In the first few seconds, I not only saw what Kristin had referred to for her marriage, but I saw an article that seemed to be written just for me and my marriage (and our struggles). And now, two hours later....I am sharing with you one of the cool things I saw on the site there. If you go to Kristin's blog above, she will direct you to a website. And on that site they are asking for bloggers to sign up by June 1, to receive a copy of a book on biblical womanhood. Then, you just write a review on each of the 9 chapters on your blog between June 1 and September 1. Kind of cool, huh?
Anyway, as I have spent the last 8 (I was almost going to say 6, where did the time go??) months getting settled in Kansas, I have thought about this blog. What purpose does it serve? Is it just a silly hobby, or will I truly allow it to reflect my voice and what God is doing in my life? I am voting for the second choice. I do want to reflect honestly and openly the greatness of God in my life. I can not describe the peace I have had here. As much as I love Missouri and my family and friends there, Kansas has been ripe with opportunities already. I will share more on this in the future, but for now, just know that I am where God wants me.
And as for Jimmy, that story continues as well. I have struggled to accurately express how or why I could still be here, waiting. But, to borrow from an article on the website I was just talking about: A man has been unfaithful and separates from his wife. He comes to town for his daughter's graduation. The daughter tells her dad that she's so glad he's there, that she knows her parents' marriage will be healed and restored. The dad says "It's not possible, I have killed this marriage and your mom and I don't feel anything for each other anymore." She responds by saying, "But your raised me in a Christian home, and we believe in a God who raises the dead. This marriage is nothing to him, he can do it."
And that sums it up for me. My blog is about my life. My life has been a lesson (usually accomplished in the most stubbornly resistant and difficult way possible) in learning what it means to truly have faith. Also, it's definitely an incomplete lesson, but I'll keep you posted as I go. (get it, POSTED?? oh yeah....the humor is definitely high class...)