For Jimmy

To my husband;

Today, for the first time in over two months, we sat in the same room. I was not under any illusion that things would or could change. I know God can do anything, if your heart is willing (or mine), but my point is that I was not in that room, sitting next to you, hoping for a change. I talked quietly with you while others went about their business. I made wise-cracks, made you laugh, and asked a concerned question or two. Those are the things you saw.
What you didn't see, as you leaned forward in your seat, nervous and fearing some kind of confrontation, was how my eyes would drift over to the back of your head, or your shoulders, and I would have to consciously choose not to touch you. Just to place my hand on your arm or back, or touch your face. I was so surprised by that, even though I know not a whole lot of time has passed since the end of us began, I truly did not expect to want to reach out to you. Partly out of habit, partly to comfort and calm you as I could see exactly what you were feeling in the way you held yourself, and partly to comfort myself.
Everything was so casual and so unreal, I am glad I didn't have time before today to wonder ahead of this moment, to think about where my heart would be. I feel no shame in admitting that I still love you, and will probably always care about you. How could I not? I loved you through so much hard stuff, and for so long, and as far as I know, I don't have a switch handy that I can just flip, to turn this off. And no matter what you've tried to convince yourself of, I know that you don't have that switch either.
I know things will fade, and that time and God will both heal my heart. But I also know that it should hurt, it should not be so easy to move out of the oneness of marriage. So I sat by you, with my deep thoughts and light conversation and hands tucked into my lap. And before I knew it, we were standing in front of another man. Only this time we were surrounded by strangers, not family and friends wishing to celebrate with us. And we were repeating words, taking an oath, and answering such personal questions. It went so fast, much like that other day, so fast I could hardly absorb the details or think to stop and slow it down. We stood before a man, unknown to us, who took apart what we had previously stood before our trusted pastor and friend and God to join together. In a matter of minutes we undid vows that we had made six years and one month ago. And, while I am trusting God with every moment and day, and have felt more peace (from Him, only from Him) than I thought possible, this ending was never in His loving plan for us, and it was never His will for us.
So today, my love, my heart, my best friend, I feel no shame in saying that I grieve this deeply, as I should. There was nothing right or good about today, but tomorrow, oh tomorrow, I have much hope in what He has for me tomorrow.

33 Things and some really bad math

The whole year (almost) that I was 24, I thought I was 25. There was no explanation for that, just some fluke in my brain. So, when I did turn 25 (a kind of important first adult milestone), I was like...."Ehh...." No biggie. And then, when I turned 30, that kinda sort of really sucked. So, at 32, I re-did my 30th birthday, on my terms. And it was a great time. Now, at 33 and 11.5/12ths (ROCK that fraction, will you?), I am doing the 24 feels like 25 type thing again. In my head, I am already 35, which is basically like 36, and that's so close to 40, you might as well call it 40. Ridiculous? Most certainly.
I always have numbers running through my head. Nothing extravagant, no Algebra or (God forbid) Trigonometry....but just numbers. Years people were born, old phone numbers or street addresses, even zip codes. When I am in whatever "zone" I might be in, I do math problems. I don't think about it or plan it, they just come out. (All of a sudden, I'm wondering if this is TOO weird or a sign of some deep, dark psychotic problem?? Ehhh...). The point (I think), is that as my birthday approaches, so do some other significant things in my life, more hard things, challenges, in the form of court dates, legal fees, budget issues, numbers numbers NUMBERS. And, while on one hand, I feel my clock ticking (not my have-a-baby-biological clock, just my regular age type clock), I don't want to jump ahead. I don't want to get so focused on the court dates and number of years invested in a marriage that didn't last and so on. God and I have done business on those issues, and I am quite sure we will continue to do business on them as often as needed. So, before my big 3-4 birthday comes Thanksgiving. And all this introduction blah-blah was just to say, I am thankful. For much. SO SO much. And here are just 33 of those things:
1. My parents. They raised me right and know more than I've ever given them credit for (but this COUNTS!).
2. My grandparents. They raised my parents right (ha!), and have given their families a legacy of faith and grace worth more than millions.
3. My siblings. God put us all together for a reason. I don't get to see them as much as I'd like, but I love them all.
4. My siblings' spouses. I am thankful for these 3 people who have loved my brothers and sister deeply, and who have made our family much better and richer (and more interesting...hahaha).
5. My church. I've said it before, but it can't be said too much. I have been blessed. These people, they care and they love and they give, without hesitation.
6. The leadership at my church. My pastors have, in my personal situation, encouraged, lifted up in prayer, challenged me and always always pointed me towards God.
7. My extended family, aunts and uncles and cousins. I know that I am loved, appreciated, and valued, and that knowledge helps my heart.
8. My van. It may be ugly and on (possibly) one of its last legs, but it represents the generosity of my parents and the freedom from a car payment.
9. My long-time spiritual mentor-type person. Knowing I can always be honest with her, and that she won't hesitate to ask me the tough questions or share in my joys too, rocks!
10. My school friends. I haven't talked much about not getting to finish my degree (again), but the year that I spent with some crazy people at Evangel was one of the highlights of the past decade.
11. Music. I'm no singer or musician, but I love good music. Especially praise and worship music that I can crank up and sing to when I am (preferably) by myself.
12. Books. I love to read. Enough said.
13. My Bible. Would not trade it for ANYTHING. In the world. Couldn't live without it.
14. My mental health. My counselor said, "So...what now? Want to just call me and check-in in a month or so, if you think you need it? Because I really don't know how much better you could be." HA! Praise God for guarding my heart, soul, mind, and mental stability--no joke.
15. The Y. Exercise doesn't (always) suck. Who knew?
16. Flip-flops.
17. Sarcasm.
well....you know what? I ran out of things. Not because I don't have a thankful heart...but because I didn't want the last 1/2 of my list to include things like "peanut butter" or "Redbox movies." Or maybe I'll just save those two items and continue tomorrow...?

A cup full

Or a full cup?
I have been extremely blessed lately. My heart is full. It is still broken and grieving, but God is quietly moving, sewing and bandaging and healing things that I don't notice until....well, until I notice them. I am so thankful, this Thanksgiving season, for so much. I have the greatest friends and a wonderful family. My church, oh my heart. My church has blessed me. Not only with obvious support and prayers, but through obedience. In our faith, the Bible has specific instructions for situations and issues. And confronting those issues, though straight-up Biblical, is often difficult, awkward, and un-fun. And I have experienced churches (good churches) who refused to stand in that gap, and the let-down was always difficult. But this church, the church that weighed heavily in the equation of returning to my husband's hometown, the church where we were married and where some of our best, most healthiest, times were spent, this church has been Church. To me. To my husband. The outcome was not God's design, but acting in obedience has encouraged me. I, too, can continue to try my best to obey, even when it's uncomfortable or awkward. Or hard. Or beyond my imagination. And the funny thing is, when I was weighing the decision, risk, cost, the everything of moving back here, I was always thinking about what would benefit Jimmy. And really, this church that knows how to be Church, it has been my beacon. MY benefit. My honor to be called a member. So, in a time of hard stuff and life-changes that I've had no vote in or control over, I have been blessed by much, filling my cup to the very brim, and for that, I am thankful.

Modern Woman's Prayer

Not that I am, by any means, "modern." Which is what they used to call trendy or in style back in the olden days (so I've heard)...but I jokingly texted a couple of these to my friend and accountability partner, and though they make me laugh a little, they are my heart's desire a lot.

Dear God, please help me to crave YOU the way I can crave chocolate.
Dear God, please help me to search for you as diligently as I search for the perfect pair of shoes.
Dear God, please help me to be as committed to reading your word as I am to updating my Facebook status.
Dear God, please help me to find as much (or MORE) rest in your promises as I do in my cozy flannel sheets.
Dear God, I want to know more about your love than I know about the latest Hollywood gossip.
Dear God, I want to be as concerned with your plans for my life as I am for my weekend.
Those were just a few. What would your Dear God prayer say?