Encouragement in disguise

"Well, you're lucky, you had a short-term marriage."


I was sitting in a lawyer's office in early January, 2008. My husband and I had been married just over 3 years. We had gone from mess to mess to chaos and back to mess again, and had been separated for about 5 months (this time, 2 months the first time).
Our story and our issues are ours, but I will say that at the point that I called a lawyer, my husband had disappeared. The mess he had made out of our life, then to his own life, had gotten out of control and he just left. He had been gone for over a month with no contact to anyone when I made the appointment, and then he was found (arrested) two days before I actually met with the lawyer. I was ready and, I believed, at peace with my decision to proceed with the divorce. Even as a Christian, it seemed that I had every "out" made available to me. When the lawyer made that statement to me, as if I should be relieved that my marriage was ending, it jarred me.

The only way I can describe my life for the past 18 months (since the visit with the lawyer) is of this image in my mind. It was (who am I kidding, it very much still IS) like I was in a storm, trying to get out of it, seeking the exit, the answer (the whatever you want to put there). My family wanted me out of the storm, my church friends, even my husband's family. I wanted out of that storm. SO. MUCH.
When I left the lawyer's office that day, I did not immediately plan to put the divorce on hold. I just knew that I started thinking about "marriage" and what it means to be married. When I said "I do," when I took my VOW, it was not for a defined period of time. And in all of the emotion and confusion and hurt and loneliness and anger and grief, I had every "right" to want out of the storm that was my marriage.
The only answer I had was just the word "wait." For what? For my husband to get out and get help with his mental illness and other big issues? For him to hurt me again (he never hurt me physically)? For my family or his to have to bail us out of another mess, or another. . . Surely, if God wanted me to wait, he would eventually tell me what it was I was waiting for. Or give me a peace that this waiting was the right thing. Or some kind of bonus blessing that would signal me I was on the right path. Right?

The one thing I've learned in the past 18 months is that the answer to that--to whether I was going to get some kind of extra-special encouragement from God (or anyone else) or sign or answer or burst of super-spiritual power. . . is "not necessarily." WHAT?
The details and relational aspects of what it takes to remain married to a man that has hurt me so deeply are somewhat yet to be resolved. It's hard to know how things will work out when you're waiting on the parole board to make decisions. It's hard to find community and fellowship when most people don't want to talk about your husband, who professes to be a Christian, and why he's in jail. It's awkward. It's uncomfortable. It's worrisome (to my family, I know). It's tedious to repeatedly explain that I am not here because I believe in Jimmy. I am not here because I am confident in his ability to live a healthy life. I am not here because I'm digging my heels in and determined to "make it work." My faith is not in Jimmy. Don't get me wrong, there's a lot of "debris" from our storm, but I do care for my husband. But my faith is not in him.
My faith is in God. Even if I have to stand in this exact place for the rest of my life, waiting on God, risking my heart, even if things never work out the way I, or others, think they should. MY.FAITH.IS.IN.GOD. It is a human faith, it grows tired, it gets WHINEY, it makes mistakes, gets lazy and off track. But I know this. I did not get a "short term" marriage license. I did not take a short term vow. I did not say "I do, for now."
This is the first time I've blogged about this part of my life. I have to say, I was never sure how to work it in between recipes and pictures of Murphy the wonder dog. Thanks for the opening, Brent Riggs and all the MckLinky community. I pray that if you are waiting on God, too, that you find strength in the promise:
Isaiah 40:31 (King James Version)
But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.
(just wanted to point out that it does not say WHEN the mounting and wings and running will occur, but I am at peace just knowing that they WILL). I also want to point out that in another version, the word "wait" is replaced with "hope." So. There you go.
Love,