So tired

So I have moved again. I, not we. I am so tired of moving, and have done so much over the past few years, and every few months, it seems like recently. I am so tired of moving and I am so tired of standing in the same place. I am tired of reliving the revelation that my marriage is not going to make it. The suddenness with which that can occur can literally knock the breath out of you. It did for me. If you've never experienced it, it is emotional and spiritual pain so deep that it hurts physically.
So I move. Again. To a house that is not my own, surrounded by only a few of my favorite things (the others are in storage) and the world's best dog. I am fully trusting in God, but it is a decision I have to make over and over again. I am not sorry I got married or sorry that I stayed in it for so long and through so much. I went forward after much heartache with my eyes and heart wide open, every drop of forgiveness and willingness given to me by God. I am sorry that it ended without a true, God-centered fight for its life.
If I sound sad, it's because I am. And as much as it sucks (and it DOES), it is a good thing, I think, to experience a sadness so deep. First, for the simple reason that I can not depend on myself to create my own happiness. Second, I am grieving, as I should be, the loss of a covenant that I made. The loss of promises made to me, the loss of a partner and my best friend.
I don't know what this loss will mean, or what my future will exactly look like (raise your hand if YOU know yours :) ), but I know what I know, and Who I know, and how I want to know His plans for me. And, as I have begun healing, I do find some release, relief, and excitement in the ability to make plans again. God has a purpose, I'm excited to find it. And I am thankful for my place in this house that is not my own, and for my church. And for my family and friends that are like family back in Missouri.