Autopilot

I have been pretty high-functioning for the mess I really am. That is my non-professional opinion, but really-I think I'm doing well, except for the other 50% of the time when I think that the grief in my heart will never lessen or end....but for today, we're going to focus on the positive.... I make it to work, I make it THROUGH work. I can go to church (well, Awanas so far), hang out with the girls, and so on. I can laugh. Lord knows I can cry (no joke, He knows!). But I guess crying wouldn't be evidence of high-functioning, would it? Anyway, it is hard to explain where my heart is at, how up and down it can be, how it can contradict my brain, or even itself. For those reasons, and for the awkwardness that accompanies a failing/failed marriage and social conversations, I have talked in-depth about this to very few people. Or, maybe to a lot of people. I don't really know sometimes. The thing is, I know what God's plan is for marriage. I believe, without any doubt, that he wants to see marriages restored, to see brokenness given to him, to be given the opportunity to be made more as each spouse submits, is refined, and becomes less. I LOVE that God wants that for marriages. I love that I don't even know every desire he has for marriage, and that he reveals himself to those who follow him in new and amazing ways, when we are obedient and willing.
So, knowing and trusting all these things, where does that leave me? Do I mentally and emotionally stay in a marriage until the last signature and stamp are dry on the divorce papers? Do I cry out to God to bring my husband to full repentance and brokenness before God? Do I have the "right" to be relieved that I don't have to endure the hard parts anymore? Am I supposed to put my hope in God to restore my marriage? . . . . . .oh--was I sounding like I had a clue what the answers were to those questions? Because I most certainly do not. I will tell you what answers I DO have. I know God is the same, yesterday, today, and tomorrow. His love for me did not fade because my husbands did (or whatever the heck happened, I have been left 99.99% in the dark on this). I know that God knows my pain, my shock, my conflicted heart. I know that he knows how much I do NOT know. Because I tell him, constantly some days. I know that my faith is weak in many ways, and the doubts I have about decisions and feelings and intentions are OK, as long as I am not deceiving myself. I know that God has placed people around me, not just to encourage me and help me feel better, but to seek wise counsel from. I know that God will provide wisdom, if I ask, and abundantly (thanks, Vacation Bible School theme verse!). I know that God is sovereign, and knew before I was born that I would be where I am today. And I know that he is able to do immeasurably more than I could ask or imagine. And right now, that might not be too big of a challenge for him, because I am still reeling most of the time, and the only things I am doing with my imagination is trying to keep it shut completely off, purely for survival at this time. So, go ahead, God, imagine on my behalf. Make some plans for me, open doors, provide guidance and wisdom, and, please--strength. I started this post thinking how much I've felt like I've been on autopilot, reading my Bible because I know it's the right thing, not because I can actually focus on it for any length of time. Praying out of desperation and confusion and pain. Choosing to guard my heart and resist impulsive decision-making, simply to avoid further pain or regret in the future. But, it seems to me, that I have not really been on autopilot. It seems that the things and habits and truth that I have been learning (and re-learning) for most of my life, are coming very much in handy right now. I don't know how much longer this "phase" will last. If I wasn't clear above, let me just state, I fully believe in the power of God, and that he could restore our marriage. But I do not have hope in the one that has turned to deceit and hardened his heart and left his marriage. I know God could fully restore him, and as his wife and someone who will always care for him, I would love to know that he truly found his place in his relationship with God. And, as terrified as it makes me, I know that I am married, until the last stamp and signature on the legal documents are dry and filed. I can't pray or hope for any person in this, not even myself. I only am able to pray that God's will be made known, that when I am asked to do hard things, I am obedient and faithful. Other than that, I am still a complete mess (though high-functioning) most of the time.