Start Fresh From Here

It's good. Very, very good.

2011-11-07T21:20:00.005-06:00

I was all prepared to write about how I love fall up until daylight savings kicks in...then I caught my last post (you know, a mere 8 months ago), and saw that it was referring to dark winter...signs of spring...and I did not want to get in the habit (if you can call 3 posts a year a habit) of being all nature, all the time. So, instead of telling the 3 of you out there that still crack this blog open from time to time all about how overwhelmed I am by the urge to stay in my house until April, I'll change my route (do you say "root" in your head? I for sure do NOT). God has been teaching me so much these past few months. My pastor has said, more than once, that he thinks it is a sign of healing when you can begin to serve again. If that is the case, then I think I have complete confirmation that I am 'healed' (and yes, I said that in my best televangelist voice, making the word two whole syllables).

Serving is a weird thing. It is the best way that I know to exhaust yourself unknowingly. (The arc trainer at the gym is the best way to exhaust yourself knowingly. Seriously, you never have to pick your feet up...) At least, that is how it has been (for the most part) for me. I had no idea, back in June, when I saw a little "ad" in our church bulletin looking for a "Shepherd" for the college/career age life group, that it would be THE perfect place for me to return to serving. I just thought it sounded interesting, and like something I would be good at. I mentioned my interest to a friend (who had just signed on to be the host family to this group), and that was the end of that. As much fun as it has been to get to know these guys, to plan activities and fun things and cook for them (you KNOW I am loving that) and hang out and reveal my dark competitive spoon-playing side...the best part has been the discipleship, the relationship building, and the intentional conversations about God, life, and all that other good stuff. It has been the biggest blessing to me, to get to meet formally and informally with some pretty amazing ladies. On my way to my first official meeting, specifically to disciple, I stopped by to see one of MY disciplers for a crash course in "what in the world am I doing trying to lead others and how do I get started in this???" And, in about five minutes, she set me straight with just a few thoughts and some wisdom.(I am so grateful for the ladies who I seek out discipleship from) The planned meetings go so well that I am 100% sure I have nothing to do with the process, the credit goes to God for sure, and the informal moments with the various members of our group have been very sweet and eye-opening for me. Our church is BIG on discipleship. The leader of our life group is BIG on discipleship. In just a short time, I have experienced a new level of it, and a greater appreciation and respect for the intentionality of it and the impact it brings. So much so that I have added "Do you DISCIPLE??" to my list of nosey questions that I throw into discussion at appropriate and sometimes more abrupt times. I am completely convinced that if you are stuck spiritually, if you are serving and worshipping and seeking God, but are not involved in intentional discipleship, you are missing the very thing that will get you "unstuck" and moving in the right direction. I firmly believe that every believer needs to be discipled as well as disciple others. What that looks like, as far as meeting times and formality, is not concrete. I just know from what I see in scripture that it is required. No excuses.
Anyway...that is where I am at right now. This is not the only ministry opportunity that I am excited to be participating in right now...but it is the highest of priorities at the moment. Mostly, whether referring to this area or any other aspect of my life, I am really overwhelmed by a desire to be doing what God wants me to be doing, and to not be wasting my time on fruitless things (more on that another time).
If I were a really corny person (no comments needed, thank you very much), I might make some comparison to this "season" of my life..or some other nature-related junk...but I'm not corny, so no worries.

Signs of Spring

2011-04-02T15:54:00.003-05:00

Not to be too dramatic...or metaphorical...but after the longest, coldest, darkest winter of my life, just when I thought it would never happen...FINALLY, signs of spring. In no particular order, these are some of the things I've taken great joy in over the past few days or week:

Farmer's market...today was the first day, and it was scant....but it was open and I went!

The best people I've ever worked with....things have really changed there, and after some layoffs and last days, we all met to celebrate our friendship (and watch Karina karaoke).

Cooking. Not just making dinner....but finding a couple of good finds at the Farmer's Market, (today it was mushrooms and homemade English muffins), thinking about those ingredients and then putting together a "project" with that. (Maybe I'll even post this later?)

My house looks beautiful. It's not my house any more, but after it burnt almost completely down last year, I never thought I'd see it restored to better than I could have ever imagined it. There is a small, small chance that I could rent it in the near future, but I'm not sure that's the right plan for me. It is good just knowing that it's been restored and is reaching its full house potential.

Family...I've been spending a lot of time with family. Not in the big event, make plans, travel and holiday stress type time...the time you can spend because you are now convenient, and more casual and low-key non-events can happen. Birthdays, random lunches, hanging out. It is good.

There are more signs...and even just feeling like writing again is a sign...it is good to be more myself again. That is maybe the most understated, simplified phrase I've ever written...but it works.

New things doesn't mean new me

2011-03-15T18:38:00.002-05:00

There are a lot of new-ish things in my life. Well, a few. And as I am rebuilding my life and looking to God for direction and so on....a lot of encouraging friends have mentioned my fresh start...new start...start from scratch and (insert your own starting over phrase here). It has made me think about this (poor neglected) blog. Do I want to edit it, to hide posts from before, posts that talk about my previous marriage etc...Do I want to just scrap this blog all together and start one with a different name? And I think the answer to that is....nope. If God's grace is new every morning, and if He is renewing my spirit, creating in me a clean heart...and all the other songs/psalms we hear...then why would I want to abandon this blog, or change the way it reflects my life? I am still in the same place in many ways, I am left without any of the normal things we use to define ourselves. I am waiting and seeking, I am still being encouraged by friends. Still lots of the same goodness. I have spent the past month soaking up family time and friend time. I don't know what's ahead, really in the dark here. But my heart is the same heart, and it is in the same hands of the One who created it, and so I am starting fresh, from here, with peace and excitement.

Iron (wo)Man

2010-12-13T20:45:00.003-06:00

I have been hitting the gym pretty faithfully lately. A little more faithfully than even my quiet time, unfortunately. Usually, I am there in the late morning or early afternoon, and there is a certain. . .shall we say type? of person that I frequently see. I've made comments on my facebook, as I trudge along the endless path of the treadmill...about the people working out in jeans. The older people, doing leg flexes with their toes on machines that the buffer (i.e. not ME) people lift the equivalent of small houses on. The couple in the matching t-shirts, she in a long denim skirt and he (again) in jeans. Anyway, my point is that, while I exercise next to these people, and wait my turn on various machines along with them, they do not pose much of a threat to me. That self-consciousness that can come with appearing in public for the sole purpose of jiggling your jiggles and enduring a lot of unappealing sweat...it is not as severe during these workouts. Today, I could not make it to the gym until later, right before 5. . . muscle rush hour. Now, that self-consciousness that I was talking about, that is not going to stop me from doing my routine of cardio plus weight training. OK, to be honest, it will stop me from doing the dreaded sit-ups on the 1/2 exercise ball in between ALL the machines...but just that. So, today, I got on the elliptical-like machine (that's not an elliptical) next to a guy with a need for speed, who was next to a girl who was running from every Twinkie in the world on a treadmill. The gym was filled with this whole different vibe. People who were already in shape. Working out. To be in better shape? To avoid rush hour traffic? For FUN?!?? And I noticed, I worked a little harder, faster, and challenged myself a little more, in the midst of all the....fitness.
It made me think of my spiritual fitness. This has been a conversation among some good friends lately. I took great pleasure (I must confess) in calling one of my most physically fit friends a spiritual fatty. At the same time, there was some real accountability going on there. She has stepped up her walk with God a few notches. I have definitely been challenged by some good friends lately, and in the past have stepped up my walk because of all of the spiritual fitness around me. It sure beats hanging out on the spiritual couch, munching on spiritual junk food...being so out of shape I can't make it through a prayer without losing my breath or focus. And I don't know what the spiritual equivalent of sit-ups on a 1/2 exercise ball would be...but I'm guessing it is similar to my life the past few months.

The Point

2010-12-02T23:47:00.004-06:00

I have been thinking a lot (well, a little-lot) about the Christmas season. How my life is not where I thought it would be a year ago. How the last thing I thought I'd be dealing with was a divorce and pre-mid-life crisis. Just to be fair, I have been having practice mid-life crisis-es (haha REBECCA B. leave me a comment with the correct word please!) since college...but anyway--Christmas. This year...etc...things have changed. Major things. I have all kinds of excuses to not be in "the holiday spirit." I have no home of my own to decorate. My decorations are in storage. I'm sad. I'm lonely. I'm not hosting any Christmas activities.
Are you starting to notice a trend? Me. I. My. ME I MY. How very un-Christ like. Not where I want to be. Not how I want to celebrate the birth of my Savior. How about if I showed up at your birthday party and played the role of Eeyore the whole time? Not a me that I want to see or to share. I'm not saying that I want to be fake or false or misrepresent what is going on with me. I am saying that even in the middle of all of this, I fully acknowledge that I/Me/My am not the main character of this season. Or even this life. It is not about my sadness, but about the power of God revealed when I allow him to work in me. It is not about my broken self, but about the strength I have in being rebuilt by him.
It was not about the manger, or the long donkey ride. Or the shepherds. Or how many months later the wise men showed up. It was about a woman and her husband being obedient to God, and struggling through his plan for their lives, so that HE might be glorified and HIS plan might be fulfilled.
It's not about the shopping. It's about the sharing. It's not about the dinners and parties and White Elephant gifts. It's about spending time worshipping him. It's not about the perfect idea or memory we want to create. It's about remembering who created us. It's not about posing for the perfect Christmas card, it's about revealing your real, flawed, broken and needy selves to the one who can "fix" it all (and to others who think THEY are the only ones not experiencing the perfect Christmas).
Please don't get me wrong. I am NOT comparing myself to Mary or Joseph. Or Jesus. Not at all. I'm not even saying we shouldn't celebrate, decorate, gift and enjoy our traditions and memories. I am simply saying that I am honored to call on the same God they did. To follow and put my trust in the same God who asked a man to still take a woman as his wife, though she was pregnant with a child not his own. Christmas will end. New Year's will roll around....and winter will be long (like it always is). But if I don't get this very big point, if I miss the lesson, then it might as well have been about the Me/I/My and gifts and lights and parties, and what a waste that would be.

For Jimmy

2010-11-29T22:37:00.002-06:00

To my husband;

Today, for the first time in over two months, we sat in the same room. I was not under any illusion that things would or could change. I know God can do anything, if your heart is willing (or mine), but my point is that I was not in that room, sitting next to you, hoping for a change. I talked quietly with you while others went about their business. I made wise-cracks, made you laugh, and asked a concerned question or two. Those are the things you saw.
What you didn't see, as you leaned forward in your seat, nervous and fearing some kind of confrontation, was how my eyes would drift over to the back of your head, or your shoulders, and I would have to consciously choose not to touch you. Just to place my hand on your arm or back, or touch your face. I was so surprised by that, even though I know not a whole lot of time has passed since the end of us began, I truly did not expect to want to reach out to you. Partly out of habit, partly to comfort and calm you as I could see exactly what you were feeling in the way you held yourself, and partly to comfort myself.
Everything was so casual and so unreal, I am glad I didn't have time before today to wonder ahead of this moment, to think about where my heart would be. I feel no shame in admitting that I still love you, and will probably always care about you. How could I not? I loved you through so much hard stuff, and for so long, and as far as I know, I don't have a switch handy that I can just flip, to turn this off. And no matter what you've tried to convince yourself of, I know that you don't have that switch either.
I know things will fade, and that time and God will both heal my heart. But I also know that it should hurt, it should not be so easy to move out of the oneness of marriage. So I sat by you, with my deep thoughts and light conversation and hands tucked into my lap. And before I knew it, we were standing in front of another man. Only this time we were surrounded by strangers, not family and friends wishing to celebrate with us. And we were repeating words, taking an oath, and answering such personal questions. It went so fast, much like that other day, so fast I could hardly absorb the details or think to stop and slow it down. We stood before a man, unknown to us, who took apart what we had previously stood before our trusted pastor and friend and God to join together. In a matter of minutes we undid vows that we had made six years and one month ago. And, while I am trusting God with every moment and day, and have felt more peace (from Him, only from Him) than I thought possible, this ending was never in His loving plan for us, and it was never His will for us.
So today, my love, my heart, my best friend, I feel no shame in saying that I grieve this deeply, as I should. There was nothing right or good about today, but tomorrow, oh tomorrow, I have much hope in what He has for me tomorrow.

33 Things and some really bad math

2010-11-20T23:34:00.004-06:00

The whole year (almost) that I was 24, I thought I was 25. There was no explanation for that, just some fluke in my brain. So, when I did turn 25 (a kind of important first adult milestone), I was like...."Ehh...." No biggie. And then, when I turned 30, that kinda sort of really sucked. So, at 32, I re-did my 30th birthday, on my terms. And it was a great time. Now, at 33 and 11.5/12ths (ROCK that fraction, will you?), I am doing the 24 feels like 25 type thing again. In my head, I am already 35, which is basically like 36, and that's so close to 40, you might as well call it 40. Ridiculous? Most certainly.
I always have numbers running through my head. Nothing extravagant, no Algebra or (God forbid) Trigonometry....but just numbers. Years people were born, old phone numbers or street addresses, even zip codes. When I am in whatever "zone" I might be in, I do math problems. I don't think about it or plan it, they just come out. (All of a sudden, I'm wondering if this is TOO weird or a sign of some deep, dark psychotic problem?? Ehhh...). The point (I think), is that as my birthday approaches, so do some other significant things in my life, more hard things, challenges, in the form of court dates, legal fees, budget issues, numbers numbers NUMBERS. And, while on one hand, I feel my clock ticking (not my have-a-baby-biological clock, just my regular age type clock), I don't want to jump ahead. I don't want to get so focused on the court dates and number of years invested in a marriage that didn't last and so on. God and I have done business on those issues, and I am quite sure we will continue to do business on them as often as needed. So, before my big 3-4 birthday comes Thanksgiving. And all this introduction blah-blah was just to say, I am thankful. For much. SO SO much. And here are just 33 of those things:
1. My parents. They raised me right and know more than I've ever given them credit for (but this COUNTS!).
2. My grandparents. They raised my parents right (ha!), and have given their families a legacy of faith and grace worth more than millions.
3. My siblings. God put us all together for a reason. I don't get to see them as much as I'd like, but I love them all.
4. My siblings' spouses. I am thankful for these 3 people who have loved my brothers and sister deeply, and who have made our family much better and richer (and more interesting...hahaha).
5. My church. I've said it before, but it can't be said too much. I have been blessed. These people, they care and they love and they give, without hesitation.
6. The leadership at my church. My pastors have, in my personal situation, encouraged, lifted up in prayer, challenged me and always always pointed me towards God.
7. My extended family, aunts and uncles and cousins. I know that I am loved, appreciated, and valued, and that knowledge helps my heart.
8. My van. It may be ugly and on (possibly) one of its last legs, but it represents the generosity of my parents and the freedom from a car payment.
9. My long-time spiritual mentor-type person. Knowing I can always be honest with her, and that she won't hesitate to ask me the tough questions or share in my joys too, rocks!
10. My school friends. I haven't talked much about not getting to finish my degree (again), but the year that I spent with some crazy people at Evangel was one of the highlights of the past decade.
11. Music. I'm no singer or musician, but I love good music. Especially praise and worship music that I can crank up and sing to when I am (preferably) by myself.
12. Books. I love to read. Enough said.
13. My Bible. Would not trade it for ANYTHING. In the world. Couldn't live without it.
14. My mental health. My counselor said, "So...what now? Want to just call me and check-in in a month or so, if you think you need it? Because I really don't know how much better you could be." HA! Praise God for guarding my heart, soul, mind, and mental stability--no joke.
15. The Y. Exercise doesn't (always) suck. Who knew?
16. Flip-flops.
17. Sarcasm.
well....you know what? I ran out of things. Not because I don't have a thankful heart...but because I didn't want the last 1/2 of my list to include things like "peanut butter" or "Redbox movies." Or maybe I'll just save those two items and continue tomorrow...?

A cup full

2010-11-10T22:01:00.004-06:00

Or a full cup?
I have been extremely blessed lately. My heart is full. It is still broken and grieving, but God is quietly moving, sewing and bandaging and healing things that I don't notice until....well, until I notice them. I am so thankful, this Thanksgiving season, for so much. I have the greatest friends and a wonderful family. My church, oh my heart. My church has blessed me. Not only with obvious support and prayers, but through obedience. In our faith, the Bible has specific instructions for situations and issues. And confronting those issues, though straight-up Biblical, is often difficult, awkward, and un-fun. And I have experienced churches (good churches) who refused to stand in that gap, and the let-down was always difficult. But this church, the church that weighed heavily in the equation of returning to my husband's hometown, the church where we were married and where some of our best, most healthiest, times were spent, this church has been Church. To me. To my husband. The outcome was not God's design, but acting in obedience has encouraged me. I, too, can continue to try my best to obey, even when it's uncomfortable or awkward. Or hard. Or beyond my imagination. And the funny thing is, when I was weighing the decision, risk, cost, the everything of moving back here, I was always thinking about what would benefit Jimmy. And really, this church that knows how to be Church, it has been my beacon. MY benefit. My honor to be called a member. So, in a time of hard stuff and life-changes that I've had no vote in or control over, I have been blessed by much, filling my cup to the very brim, and for that, I am thankful.

Modern Woman's Prayer

2010-11-08T19:59:00.002-06:00

Not that I am, by any means, "modern." Which is what they used to call trendy or in style back in the olden days (so I've heard)...but I jokingly texted a couple of these to my friend and accountability partner, and though they make me laugh a little, they are my heart's desire a lot.

Dear God, please help me to crave YOU the way I can crave chocolate.
Dear God, please help me to search for you as diligently as I search for the perfect pair of shoes.
Dear God, please help me to be as committed to reading your word as I am to updating my Facebook status.
Dear God, please help me to find as much (or MORE) rest in your promises as I do in my cozy flannel sheets.
Dear God, I want to know more about your love than I know about the latest Hollywood gossip.
Dear God, I want to be as concerned with your plans for my life as I am for my weekend.
Those were just a few. What would your Dear God prayer say?

Home?

2010-10-27T21:26:00.003-05:00

Springfield. Home for so long. Full of good people and good memories. And actually, I have been gone for just one year. And now, it would seem, Springfield is the most likely candidate for future plans. Still, I am not excited about this. I'm not unexcited, but I'm not excited. You know? When I moved a year ago, I missed my Missouri people. I did not miss Springfield. No hard feelings, no unkind thoughts, I was just that sure that Kansas was the right move. I still think it was the right move. My heart said that my husband had the best chance of being successful, of living with his illness and struggles, in his hometown, with his family and our church and friends. My heart still says that his best chance lies in the little town that holds my heart. And while I am not making any permanent plans yet, in my own muddled mind, I just don't see how I could continue to live in this town. And Springfield holds MY family (a lot of them, anyway), and is near-er to the majority of the rest of my family. So, you know, convenience on top of everything else. Anyway. There's no real point in sharing this other, lower priority, struggle right now. It will be a while before I have to make any official decisions. But I am here now, for a few days, and hoping to find something to encourage me. No pressure, Springfield.

Corners

2010-10-26T22:09:00.003-05:00

Today, I turned a corner. I highly doubt it will be the last corner in this specific time of my life (oh the ways we avoid saying the ugly words like "divorce" and "abandonment" and "adulterer"...oh wait, those are actually the better choices of some of the words floating in my head--ahem...back to the point). I don't know how long this corner will last before I am back to struggling through the day and with myself and my thoughts and so on. But I will take it. It is good to not think about things I am tired of thinking about. It is good to learn some new thoughts and aspects of God. Today I was lucky enough to get to drive 7 hours (round trip) to visit one of our kiddos. Most of the time, I do enjoy the driving part of my job, though sometimes it can get out of hand (14 hours, one day, no amount of caffeine justifies that). And today, I happened to have a good Christian radio station the whole way, which is rare on some of my more remote trips. I had good music, good speaking/teaching/preaching, and the same news report about 7 times. I had already been thinking about what I have allowed to fill my mind this past month. There really has been no music I can listen to except praise and worship stuff. It has done my heart good to hear the praise and focus on God, and believe me, I need constant reminders right now. Did you know that as much as God cares that I am hurting and healing etc...he ALSO has other plans for me? Did you know that he wants me to figure out how to focus on him now, more than ever? Did you know that he can and will use any hard or devastating thing in my life (and yours) to better understand his glory?

I know there are good and moral people in the world, people who exist and are kind and thoughtful and generous and recycle, but do not believe in a personal God, or any God at all. I don't know if I could make it through this if I only had self-help books and Oprah (GAH!) to help me "process." And I don't know the right arguments to convince, I can't tell them about dinosaurs and man and Noah's Ark and the scientific proofs of the Bible. But I can tell them how God has been working on me. Before my marriage, during my marriage, through the ending of my marriage, and I know he will work on me after my marriage is over. There is a sweet kind of reassurance to me that this event/issue/disaster is not the biggest thing God has planned for my life. And even though I have turned a corner today, I am really looking forward to 43 corners from now. When I can think, talk, blog, read, listen and sing about things that are not directly related to this ONE specific event. Process? Moment. Catastrophe? DIVORCE.

Autopilot

2010-10-23T17:15:00.003-05:00

I have been pretty high-functioning for the mess I really am. That is my non-professional opinion, but really-I think I'm doing well, except for the other 50% of the time when I think that the grief in my heart will never lessen or end....but for today, we're going to focus on the positive.... I make it to work, I make it THROUGH work. I can go to church (well, Awanas so far), hang out with the girls, and so on. I can laugh. Lord knows I can cry (no joke, He knows!). But I guess crying wouldn't be evidence of high-functioning, would it? Anyway, it is hard to explain where my heart is at, how up and down it can be, how it can contradict my brain, or even itself. For those reasons, and for the awkwardness that accompanies a failing/failed marriage and social conversations, I have talked in-depth about this to very few people. Or, maybe to a lot of people. I don't really know sometimes. The thing is, I know what God's plan is for marriage. I believe, without any doubt, that he wants to see marriages restored, to see brokenness given to him, to be given the opportunity to be made more as each spouse submits, is refined, and becomes less. I LOVE that God wants that for marriages. I love that I don't even know every desire he has for marriage, and that he reveals himself to those who follow him in new and amazing ways, when we are obedient and willing.
So, knowing and trusting all these things, where does that leave me? Do I mentally and emotionally stay in a marriage until the last signature and stamp are dry on the divorce papers? Do I cry out to God to bring my husband to full repentance and brokenness before God? Do I have the "right" to be relieved that I don't have to endure the hard parts anymore? Am I supposed to put my hope in God to restore my marriage? . . . . . .oh--was I sounding like I had a clue what the answers were to those questions? Because I most certainly do not. I will tell you what answers I DO have. I know God is the same, yesterday, today, and tomorrow. His love for me did not fade because my husbands did (or whatever the heck happened, I have been left 99.99% in the dark on this). I know that God knows my pain, my shock, my conflicted heart. I know that he knows how much I do NOT know. Because I tell him, constantly some days. I know that my faith is weak in many ways, and the doubts I have about decisions and feelings and intentions are OK, as long as I am not deceiving myself. I know that God has placed people around me, not just to encourage me and help me feel better, but to seek wise counsel from. I know that God will provide wisdom, if I ask, and abundantly (thanks, Vacation Bible School theme verse!). I know that God is sovereign, and knew before I was born that I would be where I am today. And I know that he is able to do immeasurably more than I could ask or imagine. And right now, that might not be too big of a challenge for him, because I am still reeling most of the time, and the only things I am doing with my imagination is trying to keep it shut completely off, purely for survival at this time. So, go ahead, God, imagine on my behalf. Make some plans for me, open doors, provide guidance and wisdom, and, please--strength. I started this post thinking how much I've felt like I've been on autopilot, reading my Bible because I know it's the right thing, not because I can actually focus on it for any length of time. Praying out of desperation and confusion and pain. Choosing to guard my heart and resist impulsive decision-making, simply to avoid further pain or regret in the future. But, it seems to me, that I have not really been on autopilot. It seems that the things and habits and truth that I have been learning (and re-learning) for most of my life, are coming very much in handy right now. I don't know how much longer this "phase" will last. If I wasn't clear above, let me just state, I fully believe in the power of God, and that he could restore our marriage. But I do not have hope in the one that has turned to deceit and hardened his heart and left his marriage. I know God could fully restore him, and as his wife and someone who will always care for him, I would love to know that he truly found his place in his relationship with God. And, as terrified as it makes me, I know that I am married, until the last stamp and signature on the legal documents are dry and filed. I can't pray or hope for any person in this, not even myself. I only am able to pray that God's will be made known, that when I am asked to do hard things, I am obedient and faithful. Other than that, I am still a complete mess (though high-functioning) most of the time.

Blessed be

2010-10-20T23:43:00.004-05:00

It is not my intention to make every moment of my life, even in this "season", a crisis. At the same time, what I am experiencing I would easily describe as "traumatic." Things are hard, and I am definitely grieving, though in different ways at different times (and for different things). My main goal and heart's desire is to not lose sight of God in all of this. That is easier said than lived, on a good day. Right now I am in the wilderness, as the song below refers to. I look forward to when the sun is again "shining down on me." In the mean time, I have been continually blessed by the friends and family that are, in some cases, literally standing by, ready at any time to offer encouragement or thoughts or just listen. I have received encouragement from people that I have never really talked to in person . I have been prayed for and with and over. I am content in knowing that there are plans that God has for me, and that he will reveal them to me in his timing. I could say more, but really, I am exhausted.

Consumer Alert

2010-10-14T22:17:00.002-05:00

Thank you for your encouragement and comments. And lest you think that my spirit is completely down (it has its moments), here's the most important topic on my mind today:
Suave deodorant is not worth the savings. Usually, I am a fool for frugal (except where sushi is involved). Suave shampoo, I can use that until the 'fro gets too out of control. Aim toothpaste? I can push past the overwhelming thought that it is eating the enamel right of my teeth, if in a pinch. Sandpaper toilet paper? I actually PREFER that too the way too soft Kleenex brand. OK, so you can see, I am a willing participant in the "Cheaper is Better" experiment. But not where my pits are concerned. Back to the super expensive Dove brand it is.

So tired

2010-10-13T22:58:00.003-05:00

So I have moved again. I, not we. I am so tired of moving, and have done so much over the past few years, and every few months, it seems like recently. I am so tired of moving and I am so tired of standing in the same place. I am tired of reliving the revelation that my marriage is not going to make it. The suddenness with which that can occur can literally knock the breath out of you. It did for me. If you've never experienced it, it is emotional and spiritual pain so deep that it hurts physically.
So I move. Again. To a house that is not my own, surrounded by only a few of my favorite things (the others are in storage) and the world's best dog. I am fully trusting in God, but it is a decision I have to make over and over again. I am not sorry I got married or sorry that I stayed in it for so long and through so much. I went forward after much heartache with my eyes and heart wide open, every drop of forgiveness and willingness given to me by God. I am sorry that it ended without a true, God-centered fight for its life.
If I sound sad, it's because I am. And as much as it sucks (and it DOES), it is a good thing, I think, to experience a sadness so deep. First, for the simple reason that I can not depend on myself to create my own happiness. Second, I am grieving, as I should be, the loss of a covenant that I made. The loss of promises made to me, the loss of a partner and my best friend.
I don't know what this loss will mean, or what my future will exactly look like (raise your hand if YOU know yours :) ), but I know what I know, and Who I know, and how I want to know His plans for me. And, as I have begun healing, I do find some release, relief, and excitement in the ability to make plans again. God has a purpose, I'm excited to find it. And I am thankful for my place in this house that is not my own, and for my church. And for my family and friends that are like family back in Missouri.

Family routines...and such...

2010-09-04T20:32:00.004-05:00

I know that every family has their routines...their rhythm (or, as my Polish design teacher in college would mispronounce, "rhyth-muh"). Also, that was a design teacher who happened to be Polish, I did not take a class in Polish design....There are the cycles, the activities that become automatic and can be completed with little to no thought. Today, I took part in Murphy's favorite one.

1. Step 1-someone goes to let Murphy out of the back yard. There is no door directly leading to the back yard in our lovely house (one of my only drawbacks), so the privacy fence is opened and whomever is supervising the transition tries to make a grab for Murphy's collar as he comes bounding (BOUNDING) out of the gate.

2. Step 2-take the gamble. Will Muph follow his foster brother Chee-chee (we don't get to name them...) into the house? Lately, he has been deceptively obedient in this area.

3. Step 3-in the event that he makes a break for it, walk nonchalantly inside, dig car keys from some distant purse-cavern. Walk with ease of mind and slowness of step to the van.

4. Step 4-check all mirrors, back out of the driveway. Say a thankful prayer that we moved last month to this much less busy street.

5. Step 5-drive slowly to the end of the block. Timing is everything, if you drive too fast, Murphy might not be done taking his huge dump/leaving his huge gift on the corner house's lawn. Reach over and fling open the passenger door and call to Murphy as if you're getting ready to leave on the most exciting trip to the nearest McDonalds (McDouble, plain and no cheese).

6. Step 6-Hold Murphy's collar (of course he jumps into the van without issue), since you didn't bring the leash, steer with the other hand, say a prayer of thanks for no traffic, and drive .75 of a block backwards with your passenger door wide open.

7. Step 7-pull into driveway, your teammate tags in with the leash and closing the passenger door. Return to house, start again.

So long, farewell....

2010-08-20T22:57:00.003-05:00

I will not miss this summer. It has been a hard summer of rebuilding and reuniting and re-other stuff...Jimmy came home. No matter what I expected, it was not what I expected. That's not to say that I am not as dedicated to this man as I was back in May. It IS to say that fixing broken things is hard. God is good, all the time. Even when we are struggling to get our marital bearings. Or our familial (bonus for that word) bearings. More on that later. Or our spiritual bearings. Turns out, for all the growth and greatness that God has blessed me with (HIS greatness, not my own...for those of you who think you know me too well...haha), for all of that, it turns out that I can still be pretty spiritually whiny sometimes. Just this week, I found myself thinking "Surely God would not bring me THIS far to just have things continue to feel like THIS." Well, why wouldn't he? Is that not an obvious example of how much I still need to give to him? To lean on him? Apparently there are still some dark corners (and bright and shiny obvious areas) of my life that haven't heard the latest message. It's not really about me. It's about HIM. It's not about how I want my marriage to be, what tone of voice I want my husband to talk to me in, what circumstance I would like to be different, or what lesson I think I've already learned WELL ENOUGH... Less of me. LESS. of me. Really? Are you sure? Haven't I "less-ed" enough yet?? Apparently not.
So, it has been a great summer in 158 ways. It has been a difficult summer in 398 ways. Difficult-ness beats greatness (for now), and I am ready for a break. The problem is...God has been moving. He is leading me places, connecting me to people, putting me in situations, that I would not have expected. And it is good. I mean, good to know that he is leading. Expecting. Testing. Waiting. Forgiving. Wiping my nose (spiritually). So I am ready to see what Fall brings. Less sweat. More peace. Deeper growth. More glory to him, less focus on me. And some brisk, cool breezes (as long as I'm making a list of wants...) would be nice too. So long summer..and whiny attitude...and dark corners of selfishness....hello, FALL...

What I learned for 80 bucks

2010-07-02T14:28:00.004-05:00

Instead of going on and on about the posts I haven't been posting, the long month of getting to know my husband (and myself as a wife) all over again, the Deep and Spiritual growth occurring...I think today I will just share what goes on in my scattered brain.
As I sat in the chair at the oral surgeon's (code word for hard core dentist), I was grateful for the "anti-anxiety" pill that he had prescribed for me. It literally took me from a level of nervousness that had me considering canceling the appointment one minute to a nonchalant ambivalence the next. And really, when you know you're having a piece of your body ripped violently out while awake, ambivalence is the best you can hope for. SO, back to the chair. I could have just had the numbing shots, or the laughing gas for $80, or the I.V. stuff that "puts you in a drunken state" for an extra $200 (not covered by insurance). And really, if I wanted to be in a drunken state, I'm pretty sure I could have gotten myself there for much less than $200, though at 11 a.m. it might have proved a challenge. I opted for the gas, though, because I wanted to know as little about what was going on as possible. As I settled in the chair and they placed the mask on me, I literally felt all my cares float away. Even when they gave me a couple of rounds of shots, and I knew that my body was hurting and that I couldn't feel it, I just didn't care. I was conscious, but not concerned. And even in the midst of all the gas and pain medicine and Valium and numbing, I thought to myself, "This is how people can do the most horrible things, or allow the most horrible things to be done to them." I know, that is pretty deep for a dentist chair. But it opened my eyes to a world that I have little experience with. It showed me how prostitutes and abusers and addicts and broken people survive the continued damaging things through drug addictions. It took me about 3 minutes to not care if the dentist ripped out every tooth in my head, imagine what months or years on drugs would allow and abused girl-turned-prostitute to endure, without "caring." It was really an eye-opening experience (except for the part where I couldn't actually open my left eye for an hour or so because the shots "turned off my blinking muscle"). And a weird experience. Who thinks about these things in the dentist chair? Really? But as the hours have passed and my foggy brain has come back to its normal level of somewhat coherent thought....it occurs to me that this was actually an answer to prayer. In all of our relationship restoring and life rebuilding, Jimmy and I have been praying for wisdom. Not any specific kind of wisdom, but just that the wisdom of God would become more evident in our lives. That we would be able to see things with the light of the One who knows everything shining in our minds. I guess that today, God thought I needed to understand a bit more personally how people use drugs to hide pain. I don't know why, or how this wisdom will be used, but I thank God for the few minutes of teaching in the most unlikely of places.
What kind of wisdom are you seeking?

If you had asked me

2010-05-30T22:24:00.004-05:00

If you had asked me, 2 years and 10 months ago, where I'd be today, you might have received a variety of answers. As far away from here as possible (my situation, my location, my grief, any or all of these "here's" ). Over it. Healed and moved on. Ready for a new relationship or something. Actually, I doubt I would have said that, because in the midst of my marriage crashing down around me, healing and new possibilities were beyond my comprehension. The point is, if you had asked me any sort of question that contained the possibility of my marriage still being INTACT, I would have looked at you in dumbstruck silence.
Our ways are not God's ways. What seems unreachable or un-doable or just plain too hard and unreasonable for even a Christian to attempt, God can and will do. The thing is, as much as I'd like to be one of those Christians that goes marching into battle, boldly putting on the armor of God and singing hymns loudly as I go--that is not me. I did not get up every day and praise God for his presence and peace. I did not sing "Swing low, sweet chariot" with a bittersweet confidence in God's healing and redemptive powers. The fact is, that God had to use all his tricks to get me to this point.
He broke this journey down in to bite-sized pieces. He made sure there were a lot of rest stops along the way. He surrounded me with all the right people at just the right times. He looked at my shell-shocked self and started out slowly. Really, really, REALLY slowly. He protected me when I needed protection, he challenged me when I needed challenging. He didn't force me to stay on this path, he didn't stop leading me when I strayed off of this path. Three years ago, when my world was falling apart, God was ready to start putting it back together, piece by tiny piece. And he has continued to give me Peace by tiny Peace. And here we stand, this week. My husband is home. We are going about the business of setting up his life again, determining the rules and boundaries, taking the risks, sharing tears and laughter and prayers. I thought the past three years were the journey, but they were only the preparation. God has spent this time bringing me to the starting line and now I must run the race. I know there will be more pain before the healing is complete. I know there is risk of failure. I know there are rocks and hills and narrow paths ahead. I know that Satan wants my marriage (and all marriages) to fail, because marriage is a reflection of God and his relationship with the church. I know that I am helpless to do anything but seek God and bind Satan, to desire my marriage be an honor to God, to give up myself and my selfishness so God can be more.
If you had asked me, even 6 or 9 months ago, if I would be EXCITED about just now starting this journey, I would have said no. I wasn't yet excited, but I was willing and I wanted to be obedient, even though I did NOT feel like it. So, here we are, 5 days in, already seeking God more than I could have imagined. It's a good thing that these decisions and outcomes were not based on the answers you'd have received, if you'd have asked me.

Thinking and thinking and...yep, thinking.

2010-05-15T14:05:00.003-05:00

During this long and sporadic break from writing...I have also been thinking. What is this blog about? Me, me, me?? Or something more significant? If you had asked me, back when I started writing, what it was about...I would have probably said something along the lines of where God was taking me, what he had been teaching me about forgiveness, marriage, faith, and also some cooking and family thrown in. I'm not sure I have reached that goal, but I am not ready to throw in the towel, either.
One of the coolest things I've seen happen is other women in my life have started blogs. I was reading my sister-in-law's blog, talking about what she's been learning about respecting her husband and Biblical womanhood...and I followed her blog over to a site that I have now marked as a favorite. In the first few seconds, I not only saw what Kristin had referred to for her marriage, but I saw an article that seemed to be written just for me and my marriage (and our struggles). And now, two hours later....I am sharing with you one of the cool things I saw on the site there. If you go to Kristin's blog above, she will direct you to a website. And on that site they are asking for bloggers to sign up by June 1, to receive a copy of a book on biblical womanhood. Then, you just write a review on each of the 9 chapters on your blog between June 1 and September 1. Kind of cool, huh?
Anyway, as I have spent the last 8 (I was almost going to say 6, where did the time go??) months getting settled in Kansas, I have thought about this blog. What purpose does it serve? Is it just a silly hobby, or will I truly allow it to reflect my voice and what God is doing in my life? I am voting for the second choice. I do want to reflect honestly and openly the greatness of God in my life. I can not describe the peace I have had here. As much as I love Missouri and my family and friends there, Kansas has been ripe with opportunities already. I will share more on this in the future, but for now, just know that I am where God wants me.
And as for Jimmy, that story continues as well. I have struggled to accurately express how or why I could still be here, waiting. But, to borrow from an article on the website I was just talking about: A man has been unfaithful and separates from his wife. He comes to town for his daughter's graduation. The daughter tells her dad that she's so glad he's there, that she knows her parents' marriage will be healed and restored. The dad says "It's not possible, I have killed this marriage and your mom and I don't feel anything for each other anymore." She responds by saying, "But your raised me in a Christian home, and we believe in a God who raises the dead. This marriage is nothing to him, he can do it."
And that sums it up for me. My blog is about my life. My life has been a lesson (usually accomplished in the most stubbornly resistant and difficult way possible) in learning what it means to truly have faith. Also, it's definitely an incomplete lesson, but I'll keep you posted as I go. (get it, POSTED?? oh yeah....the humor is definitely high class...)

Easter

2010-04-04T12:58:00.002-05:00

My computer and youtube were having issues for the past couple of days...but I am ending my Easter week with this:

God bless,

Easter

2010-04-01T18:49:00.002-05:00

Easter

2010-03-31T19:32:00.002-05:00

This song is Easter to me in its simplest form. It is the kind of hymn I grew up on, reminds me very much of hearing my parents or grandparents sing, standing next to me, in a church congregation. No fluff. No muss. Just the piano and voices singing.

Easter

2010-03-30T19:42:00.003-05:00

I'm continuing my week of music that means Easter to me. This song pretty much sums up the "why" of Easter. Why did Christ willingly chose to endure, to be tortured, to be separated from his Father? So that I can say "My chains are gone....I've been set free!" To know that grace, to have been brought up believing in that grace, is greater than any fortune I could ever inherit.

The end of this song really sums it up. I don't place my faith in God for the help he brings me in THIS world, but for the glory that it will bring him in the next, FOREVER, world.

Easter

2010-03-29T16:03:00.001-05:00

How beautiful

2010-03-28T15:04:00.002-05:00

I did not give anything up for Lent. I have not thought a lot about the "true meaning of Easter" so far this year. Then, I went to church this morning, and my sweet friend Beth sang this song and it made me cry. And I've heard it before, many times, so I was a little surprised. But then, God has been making himself more real to me this past year than I have ever known him to be before. So, it makes sense that this song would break my heart now, today, THIS Easter.
I pray that your Easter week is filled with beauty and brokenness and that you are "waiting for your Groom with His light in your eyes."

Love,

It's a Big, Big House....with lots and lots of room...minus the "big" and "lots"

2010-03-27T22:27:00.004-05:00

In a few weeks I will be moving. WHAT?!?
Calm down, seriously, you'll wake Murphy. For the last several months (since October), I have been living with my sister-in-law and her family in Kansas. I have loved 98.56% of every minute of it. I have seen more of my sweet and sassy niece and nephew in the last few months than the first 4 years (and 2.5) of their lives, and I have to say-they are pretty awesome (as are there parents). And as much as Murphy and I have enjoyed it here, I am excited about my new place.
It has exceeded my hopes in every way that a rental can. Does it smell funny? NO! Is it a duplex/apartment too close for comfort with neighbors? NO! Is it over my very optimistic budget? NO! In fact, it is under budget. It is a ridiculously small house, just one bedroom (I know!), and just about 700 square feet. In pristine condition, freshly painted and remodeled. Unfinished basement and huge storage shed for....well, you know-STORAGE. And I am excited about my elf-home challenge. How to fit me (and eventually Jimmy, and hopefully some little Jimmy's and little Carrie's...or at least A little one) and Murphy into a house that is smaller than most apartments AND only has one small closet. Take a moment, will you, and reflect on the ONE. SMALL. CLOSET. Am I revealing my inner-organizational geek when I tell you that the challenge of organizing a home that looks like a home and not a random pile of mops, brooms, winter clothes, and Christmas decorations makes me SUPER excited? Did I stay up way way WAY too late Friday night (after signing the lease) looking through the Ikea catalog and Googling "furniture for small spaces"? ? Yes. I did. I may have to post some of the interesting things I found. The washing machine that mounts on the wall behind your toilet and drains into your tank-GO GREEN to a new level. The bed that rolls up into the book case. The bed that hangs from the ceiling!
Anyway...the point is, I am looking forward to getting back to my own turf. And turf is a funny choice of a word, when you consider the slightly questionable neighborhood that I will (again, but different town) be living in. I look forward to getting back to blogging about all the exciting things in my life. And yes, exciting is an ironic choice of a word...but this is not a vocabulary critique so stop analyzing.
I am looking forward to seeing how long we can last in this house, before we burst through its seams. I am determined, and Jimmy is determined, for us to take advantage of this blessing. I must point out that I am also thankful that there is not a Container Store within a 7 hour drive of this town. . . though I did notice that you can order from the website. . .

Grace....stinkin' AMAZING

2010-03-09T20:58:00.004-06:00

Time is tickin' away....(any old school D.C. Talk fans out there??)
Things will soon be changing. My husband will be coming home, and though I don't yet know the date, it is close enough to say "sooner than later". All of those things that have felt as if they were put on hold indefinitely will have to be decided, experienced, worked out, worked through, worked over...probably some wounds will be reopened, and for their own good. Healing will begin. Well, that's not true--a new type of healing will begin. But I can't discredit the healing that has already been "in progress."
As I get ready for this time, time that I know I will need prayer and encouragement more than ever, I can't help but just be in total, complete, mouth-dropping awe at what God has done for me. I have made it this far, by the GRACE of God. I have not filed for divorce, by the GRACE of God. I can honestly say that I love my husband now, more than ever, by the GRACE of God. I have maintained my God-given gift of humor, by the GRACE of God. I have been blessed by the prayers of many, because of God's GRACE in their lives. I am able to truly hope for the complete restoration of my marriage, because I know the GRACE of God. We still have so, so, SO far to go, and honestly, I don't care how long it takes us to get there. If you want to get down to it, the only thing I really care about is knowing more and more and more about God's grace. How to let it fill me up, how to let it pour from me. How to let our marriage be submerged in that grace. That said, there are two verses that are hitting home in our life this week.
The first one, I have been blessed to see in my own husband this week (well, more than this week, but this week it has knocked my socks off!).
Philippians 1:9 "He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus."

The second one kind of sums up how I got here, to this point of being ready and willing to walk through the fire with my husband, to be prepared (or at least hope I am) to be refined and redeemed together, through God's GRACE in healing our marriage.

2 Corinthians 4:16-18
Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.

Be praying!
Love,

Meat Bones

2010-02-18T19:04:00.002-06:00

It has been a long, long week. (Swing low.....sweet chariot....too dramatic??)
It has been a long, long....everything. And in my head I've gotten kind of whiny. I have not blogged much in a long while, I keep thinking I have nothing to say. But, really, I miss saying all that nothing.
Today I was chit-chatting with a four-year-old. I said one of those usual grown-up things like "are you growing up big and strong?" and he said "yes, I have Meat Bones!" I said "oh, really? How's that?" He said "I've been eating lots of good food and now have meat bones."
Of course, we know he meant that he has "a lot of meat on his bones" but still....made me smile all day long.
And tonight, when my 3 and 11/12ths niece and I went to McDonalds to pick up dinner she said "Aunt Carrie, why did you hold my hand?" and I said "because I like you!" I don't think kids hear that enough, so I try to say it as much as I can to whatever child I'm hangin' with. It takes a village, people (but not the Village People (ALICIA))....
Other than that, I am just REALLY looking forward to spring...

The underwear didn't work

2010-01-16T01:49:00.003-06:00

10 Reasons I bought a treadmill online from Wal-Mart without even trying it out first:

10. I have way too many things recorded on my DVR.
9. I had not made a New Year's resolution yet and I really wanted to go with something unique.
8. I am too lazy to join the Y. If there's no good parking I'll just drive home, and maybe stop at Taco Bell for a bean burrito on the way. (I have NO shame!)
7. It should embarrass me more to tell people that I'm "eating for two" and then point to my pregnant sister-in-law's belly.
6. I should not be able to keep pace with her 2nd trimester snacking schedule, but I do.
5. It's a walking treadmill that's motor doesn't even go above 4 mph...so it's not like there's any danger of me accidentally breaking into a slow jog.
4. I can't afford the $700 "treadmill desk" and I'm not sure my boss would let me walk while I work...seems I have a reputation for being a bit clumsy.
3. I am hoping this return to the only proven exercise I've ever enjoyed will lead to other exciting and glorious health accomplishments.
2. I look forward to seeing what fun Murphy will have when I take him for nice, long, "walks."
1. MOST IMPORTANTLY: You can only buy new underwear so many times before you have to make some BIG CHANGES.
So, there you have it. Today I will post a picture of the Geriatric Walk-Mill 2000. When it arrives I will post my before picture. Oh dear me. Maybe I should just post a picture of the before underwear? Not me IN the underwear, mind you. . . wait--I just remembered that MY GRANNY reads this blog. Picture of me, fully clothed, sucking it in, to follow.

Loss

2010-01-08T22:16:00.004-06:00

This has been a hard week for my family. Both sides have experienced death. One was unexpected, one was not a total surprise. One was a mom with almost grown kids and lots of years left to live. One was an elderly man with totally grown kids, mostly grown grand kids, and growing great-grand kids, retired for many years and not many things left to accomplish on his life's to-do list, but still a treasured member of his family. Two different lives, the same kind of loss, one more sudden but no more or less a loss than the other. It hurts to see people you love hurting. Pray for us, for my sister-in-law and her family who lost her dear sister (a pain I can NOT imagine), and pray for my in-laws who lost a grandpa and father. I am thankful that I know a God that can comfort any loss, that KNOWS loss, and that sees the bigger picture. I am thankful that where I lack, and what I long for, He will use to draw me closer to him.

This is why I don't bake

2009-12-27T19:54:00.004-06:00

I have said it before, I would rather cook a meal than bake a dessert, 100 times over. I like that if a sauce needs some zip I can think about what might work and just add it. Or if I have some extra veggies or some random cheese, I can just incorporate them into whatever I'm making.
I was just reading some articles on one of my favorite cooking/food websites Culinate. I was reading about making your own crackers, which sounded kind of fun...until I saw the following instruction: Seriously. 0.0625. I can't deal with that kind of pressure.

Turn out onto a lightly floured surface and roll out to a thickness of about 0.0625 inch.

Seriously, 0.0625?? I can't deal with that kind of exactness. What happens if you roll the dough out to 0.0624???? What do you measure this with? Can you eyeball that kind of measurement? Do I need to use some kind of geometrical formula?

You can see this has left me deeply disturbed. Or, more deeply disturbed.
And no, I don't know why my font won't go back to normal above.

Back by popular demand

2009-12-27T19:34:00.002-06:00

And by "popular demand" I mean that at least 3 people have asked me about the blogging that has not been happening. . .
What can I say, when you live the fast-paced jet setting life that I do, blogging takes a back seat. Please don't ask me to define "fast-paced" or "jet-setting" as it might get embarrassing or cause you to question my grasp on the English language. So, where the heck have I been the past few months? Well, Toto, we ARE in Kansas now. The part of Toto will be played by Murphy.
When Jimmy is finally paroled (as soon as March, as late as October), I feel like he has the best chance of succeeding in his home town. His family is here and they are pretty supportive of him, but still holding him accountable and so on. The town is big enough for a bus system and pretty good job market. We have a church home here that we have missed for almost five years. I could go on, but basically the chance came for me to go ahead and move so I did. My goal was to get myself settled as much as possible before Jimmy arrives. He will be on his own for quite some time when he gets out, but I still wanted my own life to be as stable as I could make it.
So, to Kansas I went. I left behind some great friends, awesome family, and good job. Don't feel too sorry for me though, I have some great friends here (from when we lived here before) and awesome in-laws and found a good job that even pays a bit more than my previous job.
I don't know much more than I ever knew, as far as my marriage and my husband's future decisions go. But I still know the things I knew before that have carried me through all the previous un-knowing. I'm still confident and SURE that God is in control of my life. I know that He will give me peace when my circumstances can not. I know that when I feel sad or frustrated because my life does not look like others' lives or the life that I want it to look like, that God is still holding the paint brush, waiting for me to trust him again and again (and again), so he can make my life look like what he wants it to.
So, that's it. Other than that I'm still living pretty much the same exotic life. Cooking for my family, working working working, hanging with nieces and nephews, enjoying Murphy's many adventures and so on. I will do my best to get my blog on. Please stop your letter-writing campaigns.
Thanks for the love,

From this day forward

2009-10-30T00:31:00.007-05:00

Today is my anniversary. Our anniversary. Five years. Is it awkward to think about it, to talk about my marriage in a celebratory manner? It's not the picture of success. It's not filled with great achievements and testaments of love. There has been more brokenness than healing. More hurt than heart. More strike outs than home runs. I generally don't receive "Happy Anniversary" cards or calls from anyone. I don't blame them, I think it would be hard to know what to do or how to say it. And I don't write this with a heavy or angry heart, towards anyone. Not even my husband, who is serving time. In prison. Which is hard to say out loud, but it's the truth.
Last night, when I began writing this, there was a lot more to the post. I am cutting it all because, if you know me, then you know my thoughts and feelings and the finer details of what God has been teaching me. If you don't know me, then the way I feel about my marriage can be summed up by simply stating that it has been harder than anything I've ever imagined. At the same time, I am confident that it is totally 100% by God's power that I am still here. And knowing that gives me more encouragement and peace than anything else could. There are a lot of verses that God has blown my mind with in the past several years, but really, there is a praise song that speaks my heart every time I hear it.
This is what I'm learning, what I am knowing more and more in my life, because of where my marriage, our marriage, has taken me.
"and even when I'm caught in the middle of the storms of this life, I won't turn back-I know you are near."
And the last part of the song is my prayer for my life, our marriage, as I continue to give it to God over and over (and over and over and...).

And I can see a light that is coming

for the heart that holds on.

A glorious light beyond all compare.

And there will be an end to these troubles,

but until that day comes
We’ll live to know You here on the earth.

2009-10-17T09:20:00.003-05:00

This post is dedicated to my one and only (only being the keyword) favorite little sister. Alicia. Louisa. Elizabeth. Anne. She is...."just too good to be true....ba-dap, ba-dap, ba-dap, ba-da-da.........I love you BABY...." And she is "hip to be cool..." The "Cherished One" and......"the apple of my eye...." How about you, can you think of any other good cheesy oldies songs? What cheesey songs would your little sister describe herself with if she was writing on your blog on your computer unbeknownst to you? ;)

For I know the plans I have for you

2009-10-07T19:31:00.003-05:00

Just about 2 years ago, I was going through an extremely hard time. My husband and I had separated, and all signs pointed to the end of our marriage. I wanted to escape, to run away, to get the heck out of Dodge. When I wasn't pulling my car over to the side of the road so I could sob uncontrollably (and safely), I was wishing for an "out." A chance to make my way to a different zip code and a different life.
I would surf the jobs, looking wistfully at the (low-paying and sketchy) nanny jobs in New York or Florida or even Ohio. I didn't care. I saw an ad for a political job. Lots of training, expenses paid, travel from town to town (this was a year before the presidential election). I submitted my application, got a call and a pre-interview. Then, for some reason, when the real interview time came, I just didn't follow through with it. Probably because I had enough chaos in my life. Probably because God was in control, even in the middle of all that grief and hopelessness. I thought nothing about the job, went on with my life, stayed where I was (in so many ways), and God continued to provide and to care and to heal and to reveal many things in my life.
The past few months, it has been a continuous blessing to me to see where I did not end up. This little escape of mine would have been with a company called ACORN.
I have had many chances to make the wrong choice in my life. I have reaped many of the non-rewards of taking the wrong path. It's nice, every once in a while, to see that sticking it out has a plus side. You know, like avoiding being in the middle of an embarrassing, illegal, public national scandal.

Banana Love

2009-09-25T17:52:00.007-05:00

Who knew that this
(pic borrowed from http://hobblecreekkitchen.blogspot.com)

Plus this

Would equal bliss?

The instructions call to add 3 bananas to the cake mix and follow the rest of the directions. I used a bundt pan (anyone else having Big Fat Greek Wedding flashbacks??) and was nervous that I would have a huge mess on my hands.

See where the overflow came through the hole of the bundt?
The cake was so moist, I was worried it wouldn't come out of the pan (this was a worrisome first time recipe, I guess).

It came out quite nicely, and it SMELLED awesome!

I used a basic cream cheese frosting. The picture is blurry, but all the better to hide the lumps in the frosting. This is what we call a "rustic" recipe.

Topped with crushed pecans and ready to head to work.

A close up to show how un-perfectionist I am (in case you weren't already aware of this).

To make:

1 yellow cake mix

oil/water/eggs as called for on mix box

3 very ripe bananas. You could total use 2 and still be fine.

Mix batter, make sure bananas are well blended. Bake at 350 for 40-50 minutes (if using a bundt pan). Otherwise, start with the box instructions for your type of pan and plan on checking towards the end of the baking time and adjusting as necessary.

I have made this again with a more glaze based and lighter frosting. You could even sprinkle powdered sugar over, just before serving.

You can't always get what you want

2009-09-17T21:53:00.002-05:00

I have spent the greater part of my life learning this. And you can whine and kick and scream and manipulate and bargain...but you really CAN'T always get what you want.
However,
Philippians 4:19 "And my God will supply all your needs according to His riches in glory in Christ Jesus."
Things are changing. Or, rather, I am in a position or experiencing the opportunity to make some decisions now that I have not been in for at least two years. If you know me personally or have read this, then you know that my life is not as stable as I would like. In fact, one of the small blessings that I have clung to during the past two years of my separation was the small amount of stability that I experienced. And as much as I clung to everything that I thought would bring or maintain stability, I am now learning the second part of "You can't always get what you want."
As I prepare to move to another state, to change jobs in a very uncertain job market, to postpone school (I KNOW!) for at least one semester, to return to my (epitome of "unstable") marriage. . . stability is what I want. A good job. Steady paycheck. Signed lease. Some kind of written commitment or sign from God that this will end the way I want it to. And so on. Those are the things I want (and also a cherry red Kitchen Aid mixer, but let's keep our priorities ok?). I, not knowing the future, not knowing the plans God has for me or the trials and struggles that lie ahead, not knowing what will be required of me, I haven't got a CLUE what I need.
I have no guarantees about anything. Except for my belief (to my very core) that MY God will supply ALL my needs. . . "
Will my paycheck be as big as I want it? I don't know, God's "glorious riches" are nothing that my tiny little mind can fathom. Will my husband remain dedicated to dealing with his illness and making the changes in his life that will allow us to heal our marriage? NO CLUE! But God's glorious (GLORIOUS!) riches will be there, every second, meeting my every need. Will I finally have some stability, something that resembles a "normal" life, one that doesn't cause awkward silences when you reveal too much "realness" even among your Christian friends? Beats the heck out of me! But you know what? If things continue to be bumpy (as they are sure to be for a while and maybe always a bit because when you're dealing with mental illness and wrecked lives there is a bit of DEBRIS), and I don't find that "stability" that I want, then I must not have needed it. Much like if I go outside tomorrow and my little old minivan hasn't turned into a zippy and stylish little whatever car. . . I must not have NEEDED the zippy little thing (though I would question this when it comes to parallel parking, of course). Does this make sense? I think it did, at one point. . . :)
Anyway, I am moving. To my husband's home town. In preparation for his parole. (awkward pause?). I feel like this is the best place for him and for us right now. His family is so loving and supportive, our church here has always been our "home church" even after years apart, and it is just a lovely small/big town in central Kansas. Pray for us, if you will. Pray that we focus more on God every day, that we are content to have our needs met through His glorious riches rather than by our own selfish wants and agendas. Pray for healing of many broken relationships, for our own broken spirits, and for the faith to fly by the seat of our pants for God rather than settle for stability, if that is what we need.

Not So Ordinary Nachos

2009-08-17T20:58:00.006-05:00

**UPDATE** I think this is the third mclinky I have linked this to. I apoloqize if you've seen it before, but it's one of my favorite easy recipes for home or a crowd. Enjoy!

Super Awesome Nachos (TM)

Just kidding about the "TM", but they ARE super and awesome.

oh, and super easy.

Crockpot Nachos Supreme

1 brick o'velveeta cheese
1 lb taco meat (I use ground turkey), browned and seasoned with
1 pkg taco seasoning
1 can Rotel (i use store brand)
1 can black beans (rinse very well)
1 cup sour cream
1/4 cup milk

Cube cheese into crock pot. Add meat, tomatoes, beans. Cover and let heat until cheese really starts to melt. Stir in sour cream and milk, stir thoroughly. After completely melted, add another splash of milk if necessary. This is enough for a large crowd (I take it to work and school quite frequently). The milk thins it out just a bit, so it's not that super thick break the chip off burn to the side of the pot kind of Rotel. It also stretches it a bit further, as do the beans.
*Variation* If you are having a Halloween-themed food day at work, just add a few drops of food coloring until you get a grotesque shade of green, then put a sign on the crock pot calling it "Snot-chos," win the Golden Spoon Award for the day, become the stuff legends are made of.

There goes the neighborhood

2009-08-15T22:38:00.006-05:00

No offense to my new neighbor, but I'm not feeling very friendly. In fact,

But I'd rather fall down the entire flight of stairs. . .

Than make my new neighbor feel less than welcome by doing anything

offensive like, you know, holding onto the hand rail of the stairs.

And if he knocks on the door, asking to borrow a cup of sugar,

you can bet I will be giving him WHATEVER he asks for.

Movin' on up. . .

2009-08-13T19:16:00.003-05:00

Except not so much "up" as "over."

During these wonderful economic times, I am happy to have a job. Even before the times got crappy (when you have zero, it's difficult to get too upset over a 30% loss of zero), I was happy to have my job. The work, talking to people from all over the country (and world) all day, is not the draw. The salary, though very fair and raise-able, is not the draw (though it has been nice working for a company where bonus no longer = Christmas ham). The hours, after years of nights, weekends and holidays at other jobs, are regular and pleasing-but they are not the draw. The benefits, the ones that give me great medical and retirement (even if I don't use it) coverage, and that pay for my school, are not the draw.
Anyone who's ever worked in a large office (or anywhere for that matter) can acknowledge that the coworkers can make or break the deal. I have worked in some great jobs with some less than socially-skilled people. I have worked in some undesirable jobs (serving mashed potatoes to 1,200 of my closest classmates?), with some hilariously marvelous people.
This job, where the cubicles and fluorescent lights make the typical maze-daze of office/corporate world, could drive me crazy. It is tedious, most days. It is busy, frustrated, ever-changing information. It is STRUCTURED (hello, my name is Carrie, and I don't DO structure) and without creative outlets (sigh).
But the people. The PEOPLE. Are. The. Draw.
I have grown fond of many of my coworkers. Their humor and drive and ability to remember much more information than I can is endearing. But tomorrow I am being transferred with 1/2 of my department to a different team. Thank you for the job, yes. But I am leaving my two favorite people. I have had the most fun and the most laughs with both of these girls (calling us ladies sounds so OLD). I have seen each of them experience pain and joy, and they me. I have spent time with them in and out of the office, I count them as very dear friends. And tomorrow they will be light years away.
Not really light years. But certainly not close enough to randomly throw things at in the middle of the day. Or share an impromptu picnic between desks. sigh.
The people make this job for me. And though I never planned to stay at this job forever, I never counted on being separated from my girls. I will miss them, and I am sad. . . and a tad dramatic, no?

MckLinky Blog Hop

2009-08-11T17:28:00.007-05:00

Summer 2009, in pictures:

That's not my ring, those aren't my kids, high school friends at the same place and time, Murphy unplugged. Not pictured for Summer 2009: 154 more family events, barbecues, and random days spent together, trips to the farmer's market, girls' night out, long days at the pool, sleeping in, etc. . . It's been a great summer. How about you?

Friend-In-Blog is having a give away

2009-08-03T19:53:00.003-05:00

This is her banner on her blog. I hope I didn't break a big bloggie rule by posting it on here.

I have a friend. She's smart, creative, and funny, and a great wife and mom. According to her blog, anyway. ha! Just kidding. But, she does have a super cute blog, and she IS having a give away in honor of her 100th post.

So, Rebekah and Yeebird, happy 100th!

If I could have 100 of anything, I would have 100 lessons in whatever I wanted. 10 cooking, 10 photography, 15 Spanish...or whatever.

I won't apologize

2009-08-02T16:03:00.003-05:00

Yes, I know it's another video link. Sometimes I do actually write things on this ol' blog. But sometimes there are just no words. I found this on another blog that I read from time to time, written by the wife of a member of my favorite music group ( <-- that's a song from our wedding, by the way).

If only

2009-08-01T22:01:00.002-05:00

If only I could find a way to make my living finding videos like this. Or coming up with ads like this. Or just hanging out with babies like this. Whatever, I'm not picky.

Encouragement in disguise

2009-08-01T17:55:00.010-05:00

"Well, you're lucky, you had a short-term marriage."

I was sitting in a lawyer's office in early January, 2008. My husband and I had been married just over 3 years. We had gone from mess to mess to chaos and back to mess again, and had been separated for about 5 months (this time, 2 months the first time).
Our story and our issues are ours, but I will say that at the point that I called a lawyer, my husband had disappeared. The mess he had made out of our life, then to his own life, had gotten out of control and he just left. He had been gone for over a month with no contact to anyone when I made the appointment, and then he was found (arrested) two days before I actually met with the lawyer. I was ready and, I believed, at peace with my decision to proceed with the divorce. Even as a Christian, it seemed that I had every "out" made available to me. When the lawyer made that statement to me, as if I should be relieved that my marriage was ending, it jarred me.

The only way I can describe my life for the past 18 months (since the visit with the lawyer) is of this image in my mind. It was (who am I kidding, it very much still IS) like I was in a storm, trying to get out of it, seeking the exit, the answer (the whatever you want to put there). My family wanted me out of the storm, my church friends, even my husband's family. I wanted out of that storm. SO. MUCH.
When I left the lawyer's office that day, I did not immediately plan to put the divorce on hold. I just knew that I started thinking about "marriage" and what it means to be married. When I said "I do," when I took my VOW, it was not for a defined period of time. And in all of the emotion and confusion and hurt and loneliness and anger and grief, I had every "right" to want out of the storm that was my marriage.
The only answer I had was just the word "wait." For what? For my husband to get out and get help with his mental illness and other big issues? For him to hurt me again (he never hurt me physically)? For my family or his to have to bail us out of another mess, or another. . . Surely, if God wanted me to wait, he would eventually tell me what it was I was waiting for. Or give me a peace that this waiting was the right thing. Or some kind of bonus blessing that would signal me I was on the right path. Right?

The one thing I've learned in the past 18 months is that the answer to that--to whether I was going to get some kind of extra-special encouragement from God (or anyone else) or sign or answer or burst of super-spiritual power. . . is "not necessarily." WHAT?
The details and relational aspects of what it takes to remain married to a man that has hurt me so deeply are somewhat yet to be resolved. It's hard to know how things will work out when you're waiting on the parole board to make decisions. It's hard to find community and fellowship when most people don't want to talk about your husband, who professes to be a Christian, and why he's in jail. It's awkward. It's uncomfortable. It's worrisome (to my family, I know). It's tedious to repeatedly explain that I am not here because I believe in Jimmy. I am not here because I am confident in his ability to live a healthy life. I am not here because I'm digging my heels in and determined to "make it work." My faith is not in Jimmy. Don't get me wrong, there's a lot of "debris" from our storm, but I do care for my husband. But my faith is not in him.
My faith is in God. Even if I have to stand in this exact place for the rest of my life, waiting on God, risking my heart, even if things never work out the way I, or others, think they should. MY.FAITH.IS.IN.GOD. It is a human faith, it grows tired, it gets WHINEY, it makes mistakes, gets lazy and off track. But I know this. I did not get a "short term" marriage license. I did not take a short term vow. I did not say "I do, for now."
This is the first time I've blogged about this part of my life. I have to say, I was never sure how to work it in between recipes and pictures of Murphy the wonder dog. Thanks for the opening, Brent Riggs and all the MckLinky community. I pray that if you are waiting on God, too, that you find strength in the promise:
Isaiah 40:31 (King James Version)
But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.
(just wanted to point out that it does not say WHEN the mounting and wings and running will occur, but I am at peace just knowing that they WILL). I also want to point out that in another version, the word "wait" is replaced with "hope." So. There you go.
Love,

2009-08-01T01:32:00.001-05:00

After several hours and a big design mess giving up for tonight.

2009-07-31T23:47:00.001-05:00

Who knew i could mobile blog?

No Bridezillas Here

2009-07-31T12:37:00.004-05:00

Matron of honor and my sister Kim, me!, very good friend Deanna (who bought her dress about an hour before the ceremony!), friend from college who married my brother so now she's my sister in law-Kristin.

The theme of our wedding was "simple." If you read my post from last week, you saw that I bought my dress on eBay for 30.00 and so on. . .
For my bridesmaids, I let them pick out their own black dress (so they REALLY COULD wear them again). My sister, Kim, was my matron of honor, and she actually wore a deep purple dress with yellow flowers on it. We were married on October 30, 2004, and had a fall theme, so her dress actually matched.
The flower girls were 4 of my nieces, 3 from the same family. Because I knew that my sister-in-law would be buying matching dresses for their Christmas card just weeks after my wedding, I asked her if she could find something that would work for my wedding as well. I may be able to dig up a picture later, but for now, just know that the little girls wore black velvet dresses and were adorable. Now that I think of it, I can't think of ever seeing a wedding wear the flower girls wore black. NO, we're not GOTH. :)

I made all of the bouquets and boutonnieres myself. I couldn't afford to buy the craft book from Hobby Lobby, so I stood in the aisle and read it for about 20 minutes, then bought my supplies and got to craftin'. My in-laws bought me a bouquet of white roses the morning of our wedding, and they were beautiful. I would have been fine with my homemade silk bouquet, but their gesture really touched me.
For our "re-do" I had a bouquet of fall flowers. My one bridesmaid was my aunt Nellie, and I let her pick out her own outfit. During our premarital counseling, our pastor really emphasized how, though the wedding ceremony should be special, all the hooplah was not a requirement. Since we couldn't afford hooplah, I very much agreed with what he said. I still feel that way, though. Some of the shows on TV now, with huge budget weddings and so much SO MUCH just seem to overlook the real point of the day. And, as for bridezillas....don't even get me started on those gals!

P.S. Our music was meaningful to us, but I won't mention it all here. Instead I will say, I wish I had the guts, creativity and talent to do this. . .

Personal space, proxemics, and post traumatic library experiences

2009-07-27T14:56:00.005-05:00

I can use big words like "proxemics" because of my recent educational endeavors (it's a big word kind of day) into the communications field. Which (and I apologize for this) I didn't even really consider a field prior to choosing this major. I just knew it didn't require a statistics class (except NOW IT DOES) or business law or some other class where the books cost over 100 bucks each and the syllabus can be used to replace the "PM" in Tylenol PM.
What? Was I telling a really long story? Oh, yes...I was.
So, in a couple of different classes we have discussed "proxemics" (distance between people) in relation to nonverbal skills, comfort level and a bunch of other boring stuff. We even did experiments in "expectation violations" which really just amounted to us going out in groups and making people uncomfortable by standing too close to them and other "violations." Did I mention that this is a great major?
ANYWAY. . . TODAY I am at the library working on some homework before an appointment for class (because home = sleep). I am at a table in the general public and some guy comes and sits down at my table, plugging in his laptop as well. That's ok, it's a free country and it's a bit busy in here today. But instead of sitting diagonally from me, he sits directly across from me. Whatever, the tables are several feet wide, so it's not like we are up in each other's 'bid-ness. But now I am so disturbed by the PROXEMICS of him, of that peripheral eye contact thing, that I couldn't work any longer (lucky you).
And before you start mumbling things like "paranoid" and "big whoopdeedoo" let me tell you something. This library is a nice library. BUT, once upon a time, before I had my own lap top, I was using the public computers. And the young man next to me was using his computer in an entirely different and, some might say inappropriate, way. Talk about an expectation violation. It was so unexpected that at first I didn't catch on to what was going on. Nothing on his screen gave an obvious indication to the self expectancy-violation that was occurring next to me.
What would you have done in this situation? Turn and speak directly to him, in a loud and non-library voice, saying "WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING??" and "STOP THAT RIGHT NOW!!" in your best old-lady voice, inform the male librarian several times and point out the many children running about, leave the library and call the police on the way out the door? If you chose all of the above, then we agree.
So, when the guy sat across from me today (he's gone now, I must have scared him off with my mumbling and twitching), I couldn't help but take you on this long, awkward flash back with me.
You're welcome.

Two weddings and a health scare

2009-07-24T13:43:00.005-05:00

The sunglasses were given to me as a joke from my father-in-law. Little did he know that I would actually wear them. They have appeared in various photos throughout the years.

I love bloggy listy picturey type posts. I think it's a really fun and easy way to see new blogs and learn things about people I've never met. It relieves my inner-nosey-neighbor urge without any awkward moments. Kelly's Korner is a blog I've enjoyed for many months now, and every Friday she has a new topic. I think this is my first time to participate, not just check out everyone else. And since I've been on a blog-fast (or lazy drought), I knew this would be an easy way to stretch my legs.
This Friday's topic is our wedding dresses. When it came time to find my dress, I wasn't sure what would happen. I knew that something super froofy and lacy would not work for me. I also knew I couldn't afford to spend too much. Believe it or not, my dress was $30 on eBay and was so new that it still had the tags on it. No joke!
On their way to my wedding (in the next state), my dad went into the hospital. Literally on the way. My parents stopped at a gas station about 30 minutes from their home because he was in so much pain, and he went by ambulance to the hospital. We weren't sure if we were going to postpone the wedding or not, and it was a stressful several hours while my mom waited to hear what was going on with him and while we waited to hear if she wanted us to come home or not. We finally got the word that, though he was very sick and in a lot of pain, it was not life-threatening. We went ahead with our simple ceremony, my brother lit the unity candle with my mother-in-law, my uncle gave me away (with my dad speaking on the speaker phone of someones cell phone), and we were relieved that everything was OK on the health issue.
The one problem that remained was a photographer. My mom is a photographer and was going to do the pictures for our wedding (as she had for several of my siblings). We were unable to find someone at the last minute and so made do with friends and family using their own cameras. Frankly, at this point, with stress and lack of sleep and excitement and relief and worry and all of that, I was on autopilot. So, while we have pictures and video of the actual day, I was always a little sad that my parents had missed out on my day and that I didn't have any professional pictures of it. Fast forward to our first anniversary. We decided to renew our vows on my parents' front porch. I had always joked with my dad when he built that house that I would just get married on the front porch. We strung some lights, ordered some flowers, pulled the dress out and repeated the ceremony.
And one of the most meaningful parts? We got to have pictures. We were married and renewed at the end of October, and in my hometown there is a park FULL of amazing trees, blazing with color.
A couple of weeks after the renewal ceremony, my husband showed up unexpectedly at my work. He had taken four of our photos and had them printed and framed. Real wedding pictures!
Oh...how long did this little story get? SORRY! haha...without further delay. . .

I can't remember exactly what was going on, some kind of stocking malfunction, I think. One of my favorite pictures though.

This is my favorite picture. It's actually a class project I did in photoshop. The pic started out in color etc. . . but rest assured, it is not too terribly altered because I really do NOT understand photoshop. :)

Three things you didn't know

2009-07-13T22:25:00.011-05:00

***Blog Hopping!

First.

My sister is one of my favorite people in the world. (She is one of MANY, no favorite playing here, no sir!). She is not on my top list just because of her beauty, she doesn't realize she's beautiful! She's not on my list just because she's smart and super driven and hard-working. Or because she can out-procrastinate me. Or can communicate entire volumes to me with just one word and a raised eyebrow. Well, actually it IS JUST BECAUSE of all those things, with the following added bonus:

Nobody cracks us up as much as we do!

Second: Baptists CAN dance. Just not me. Though, that's no secret.

Man, I love that kid! She cracks me up and makes me want to take my job as her Aunt SO SERIOUSLY. I consider it one of my greatest honors to talk to her about Jesus all the live-long day. Plus, girl can DANCE.

And Third:

Finally. . . after a 8-year long "semester off," I will be graduating college!!! In 42 weeks!!! Sure, you may say "But 42 weeks is longer than it takes to grow a baby!
Why are you telling us NOW?"
I tell you NOW because I am excited NOW. I can see the tunnel. And I'm working hard to get to the tunnel so that I can see the light at the END of the tunnel, you know? And it's been HARD. And INCONVENIENT. And of course, if I could go back in time, I'd have napped less, studied more and maybe even, you know, GONE TO CLASS the first time around. But I didn't. So this is the opportunity God has allowed me to complete that task. And I am SO grateful. And who knew being AWAKE could make such a difference??

That's it. Three things. All of them are a huge part of my life and heart.
Glad I could share them with YOU.

P.S. I think this last picture will go on my graduation announcements.
How proud will our Mama be??

***

Favorite Pics

2009-07-06T23:15:00.007-05:00

First time attempt to join a link party...over at Kelly's Korner, or actually EVERYWHERE with this new fancy link-a-majig...I'm sure I didn't do it just the right way, but I'll work the kinks out and you enjoy the pictures.

We're doing a blog hop of our favorite pictures. I have 14 nieces an nephews, plus 2 on the way...but for TODAY (and today only) this is my favorite picture. Lane Michael is 6 1/2 months old, red hair, blue eyes, squishy cheeks, and all around great guy. Come find me in another 18-20 years and we'll see about some arranged marriage plans.

**update** it turns out I can't post this until midnight. So I decided to kill time and wait to actually post it (b/c I don't even KNOW if it's possible to delay a linky post), and then I was overwhelmed by a wave of aunt guilt. So, following Lane are some pics of his cousins. I think I got them all (minus the two who are "in hiding"). He's the star (this time) so I won't do all the names. . . because who has that kind of time? But, look and see, I have been BLESSED to share some wonderful children with my siblings and my husband's siblings. I'm doubly blessed because I can sugar them up and send them home. Yes I did say that out loud!

***Replace this line with your content. This week, on TUESDAY, 7/7/09, the theme is A FAVORITE PHOTOGRAPH. Post up one of your favorite photographs and a caption that tells the audience about it. Here is a sample: http://mcklinky.blogspot.com/2009/07/mcklinky-photo-blog-on-tuesday-sample.html Do not change any part of this snippet of code except for this paragraph only.... replace the text that falls between (and includes) the opening and closing asterisks. Be sure to enter your own link to your own blog hop post as soon as the blog hop starts!***

Thirteen for Thursday

2009-06-25T21:51:00.004-05:00

Thirteen for "G"

Guacamole. Never thought I'd like it, but thanks to the great skills of my sister in law, Kristin, I LOVE it.
Gazpacho. I've never tried it, but it's on my list of recipes to make this summer. The list is in my head. If I wrote it down then I might have to feel guilty when I abandon it for night after night of root beer floats.
Garlic. Seriously, are all of these going to be about food?? I love garlic. In just about everything. My garlic press is one of my favorite kitchen tools.
Going on vacation. Over Thanksgiving. To Florida...I CAN'T WAIT!
Grades. I'm working hard to keep them good.
Graduation. May 7, 2010. 9:30 AM. Can you tell I'm excited?
Grad school. What I would like to do next.
Gabrielle. My friends Karina and Marty are new parents. She's precious!
Grand Canyon. Maybe I'll go there one day (yes, I'm stretching here).
Guatemala. If I went there, I could work on my Spanish.
Granola. Not as healthy as you'd think.
Geico. I'm insured by a lizard.
Ground beef. I could go the rest of my life without it and never miss it.

Can't put a price on education. . .or a good paper towel holder

2009-06-24T21:22:00.005-05:00

It has been my pleasure to be a part of this group of crazy communication majors for almost a year now. We are all in a "degree completion" program that caters to adults who have college hours but no degrees. We meet one night a week, five weeks per class. . . for a year and a half. With the same people. Every week. The same. Crazy. People. Let me just say, I am certain that God put each of us in this class for a reason. I couldn't imagine surviving this very busy, hard work filled, often stressful time with any other crazy people. We don't always sit this close, by the way. Our professor squished us like that and left us there for a good hour of lecturing, just to prove a point about personal space. I learned that I like my space.

The same night that the above class completed some real-life experiments, I found this paper towel holder at a local thrift store. Now, I am not planning on using paper towels for much longer (another day, another post), but I couldn't resist it's red-ness. I love red, and since I am now living in an apartment and can no longer have the delicious, brick red kitchen wall of my old kitchen, I find many (many) other ways to incorporate red into my decor. This was 1.98. Not bad, for decor.

Father's Day

2009-06-20T00:55:00.002-05:00

I have been blessed to personally experience a variety of types of "fathers" in my life. There is my biological father, who, though I didn't really experience him (he passed away before I was two), obviously had an impact on my life. There is my Grampa Carlton and Uncle Stewart (my dad's father and brother), who stepped up to be that part of my history for me.

There are my uncles, my mom's younger brothers, who were always around when I was younger, before my mom remarried. They were the ones putting my first bicycle together, teaching me how to bait a hook, letting me and my brother rough house with them, and even being the stern voice of discipline a time or two (or twelve).

Then, there is my granddad. He has taught me as much by example as he has by his words. That man is SMART. He can fix anything, I think, and can teach himself how to do just about anything else. He has a mind that makes connections that mine would never dream of, math in nature, physics in EVERYTHING. . . and so on. I have personally seen him exhibit more strength on his knees than most other man show standing. His constant prayers (along with my Granny) have carried me through many tough times, and his sense of humor and old fashioned orneriness never cease to surprise me.

I have also been blessed to watch my brothers and brothers-in-law become fathers. It is the great equalizer to know that those who used to taunt and terrorize me have daughters of their own. And it is a blessing to see how hard working and dedicated to their families ALL my brothers (and in-law) are. Across the board, they are some of the smartest, funniest, and "goodest" people I know.

Speaking of "goodest," my father-in-law is one of the best. I have only known him for 6 short years, but he has been consistently supportive, constantly caring, and always ready at the drop of the hat whenever any of his kids need a hand. Only for him would I give up my ban on making Ooey-Gooey Butter Cakes.

And that's it. That's everyone. . . . JUST KIDDING DAD!!

How could I forget the one dad on my list that gets a capital "D"?
My Dad, whom my mom married when I was 7, is a great man. He and my mom worked hard to make our blended family. . . well, blended. Like my Grandad, my Dad can do just about anything. Cook a great dinner? No problem. Bring a once-dead car back to life? In his sleep. Build a house (or 3), why not? Finish 3 geometry building projects in one night? Sorry, St. James school system, but that was my Dad that did that, not us! My Dad is a man who makes sacrifices for his family, works beyond the point of exhaustion, leads by his spiritual example, and is not afraid to ask forgiveness when needed. He may not be on my birth certificate, and I may not get my afro' hair and dimples from him, but he's the Dad that God chose for me, and I'm so thankful and blessed that He did.

And so, to Richard, George, Stewart, Ron, Layne, Grandad, Mark, Bryan, Ken, Mike, David, Travis, Joe, and most of all, Dad, thanks for being great dads. To me or to your own kids, either way, I have benefited from receiving or witnessing your Dad-ness. Happy Fathers Day, I love you all.

Cinnamon Rolls and a Round of Comfort

2009-06-12T21:53:00.003-05:00

If the title sounds like a snack and a shot of something stronger than Granny's iced tea, I apologize. But I only apologize if you're offended. If you're not offended, I'm not sorry.
Wait. . . I seem to have gotten off track. Please, someone dangle a shiny object in front of me.
SO. . . today I was picking up some homemade cinnamon rolls from my niece, Kaylee. She was my first niece and is now 11! You would think that would make me feel old, but really all it does is make me think "Man, her parents are OLD." It's a coping skill. It's called denial, and I love it.
Anyway, Kaylee told me a few months ago that she was starting her own baking business. Well, I generously decided to put aside my aversion to carbs, sweets, and all things covered in wonderful glazed icing, and support her. I'm a giver, what can I say? She made cookies for a baby shower I had (for a friend, calm down). She made an awesome cake for The Brat's birthday. So awesome that by the time we got around to eating the cake in the evening, there were not many icing flowers left and our tongues were blue, if you know what I mean. (I love saying "if you know what I mean" at really obvious moments, it cracks me up!). And this week, Kaylee emailed me to inform me she was now making cinnamon rolls. So I sacrificed my diet (please don't choke on your coffee, I was on a diet for exactly 7.5 hours) and purchased "some."
The point of this little post is not about Kaylee's awesomeness or her baking goodies, though I could (obviously) go on about both. The point is, when I arrived at the baker's home, where she is the oldest of 5 VERY active girls, I was greeted with hugs, playful punches, hair cut updates, and a general bedlam of chatter (which I LOVE). Then, in the middle of the crowd, I hear "I'm FOUR!. . . I'm FOUR" I look down to see Sarah Grace, the baby of the family, beaming up at me. "I'm FOUR. HOLD ME." Sigh. An aunt's gotta do what an aunt's gotta do.
I tell you, sometimes you just have to sacrifice for the greater good.
Bonus: 57 hugs and updates later, I made my way home with a plate of fabulously wonderful cinnamon rolls. No, you may not have any. Order your own!

Thirteen for Thursday

2009-06-10T22:54:00.002-05:00

F. . .

1. Frozen strawberries that I bought when Fresh. I have some, every time I open the freezer they call to me.
2. Fillet O'. The name of my Beta fish I had for over a year in college.
3. Flushed. Poor Fillet O'.
4. Flavor. Like cilantro. Garlic. Olive oil. Bring it!
5. Finger. I broke one playing cards once.
6. Fan. I sleep with one on, all year long. In the winter I point it into my closet.
7. Friends. I am blessed with some great ones.
8. Family. Ditto.
9. Fa la la la laaaaa. I LOVE Christmas music. Favorite song: O Holy Night
10. French braid. I taught myself how to do this in JR high. It is the secret to getting 5 of my nieces to sit still for any length of time.
11. Favorite. I tell all my siblings and cousins that I am Granny's favorite. She only pretends to deny having favorites.
12. Ft.Worth, Texas. Where all this wondrousness began.
13. Fall. My favorite season. Crisp air, bonfires, small town festivals, the last of the Farmer's Market. OH! FARMER'S MARKET how could I forget you?

It was only a matter of time

2009-06-08T20:43:00.002-05:00

Before I became Blog-famous.
Not only do I offer you TWO fabulous, original, humorous, semi-addictive blogs, I am now being blogged about and, well, let me just say--that fits in to my plans perfectly. What plans, you ask? None that I can really think of. . . but my sister-in-law started a blog and I wanted to point it out. Enjoy!

Birth Announcement!

2009-06-07T20:23:00.002-05:00

Did that get your attention? Good!
Check out what is no longer empty...
My COOKING BLOG!

And a happy Sunday to you, too!

Thirteen for Thursday

2009-06-03T20:41:00.004-05:00

Everybody Enjoys E. . . or whatever

1. Mary Engelbreit, my favorite artist.
2. Etsy, very cool crafty place.
3. Eggs. 94% disgusting.
4. Evangel. Future alumnus.
5. Empire State Building. I once watched the sun set from there. Pretty awesome.
6. Ephesians 4:13. Amen?
7. English. The only language I speak, so far.
8. Entertaining. What The Brat and I find ourselves to be.
9. Ecru. A blah blah color, just like tan, beige, khaki.
10.Janet Evanovich. Author of some very good and very funny books I like.
11.Ear rings. I have these, I just don't wear them. Not even on my wedding day.
12.Elegant. Not gonna happen.
13.Enlightened. What each of you feel after reading my blog.

It's not a tum-ah

2009-06-03T01:20:00.004-05:00

After several days of mysterious swelling and whole-leg cramping, and several murmurings of "blood clot" by concerned family members, and one long trip to the ER to appease my mother, it has been determined that I am suffering from a severe case of O.L.K. That's "Old Lady Knee" for you non-medical professionals. I have severe arthritis in my knee. But better than that, I have two nice little blue pills (no not THOSE blue pills, the other kind) in my system. So for now, I am enjoying my old lady knee. Tomorrow, and after I see the ortho-whatcha-ma-whatever-ist, may be (ok, will be) a different story.
Thanks to my concerned mamacita, and to my enduring sister-in-law/friend for the laughs in my "exam" room (also known as "the closet where they store they eye exam equipment").
And a merry percocet to all!

What's in your purse?

2009-05-29T23:25:00.002-05:00

The other night, in my communications class, we had to bring some items that represented "us." Kind of a collegiate-level show and tell. Our cohort is small, about 12 people, and it was interesting to me that two women included their pocket (purse-sized) dictionaries. One woman explained that she kept hers in her purse so she could refer to it to make sure she was using a word correctly as needed. The other woman explained that she kept hers in her purse so she could prove to other people (namely, her family) that they were using words incorrectly. I didn't think much about it at the time, other than a quick prayer of thanksgiving that I wasn't in the social circle of the woman who used her dictionary to correct others. Today I was thinking about the oddity of putting entire books in your purse. I am, in theory, a minimalist when it comes to purse packing. I thought to myself, if I was going to carry any book in my purse, it would probably be my Bible. The big question is, would I whip it out to check myself? Or would I use it to prove to someone else all the ways that they were wrong?

Thirteen for Thursday

2009-05-28T16:36:00.003-05:00

D D D D D

1. Dog. Murphy. Fabulous.
2. Deliverance. Very creepy movie. Catchy soundtrack though.
3. Delirious. How tired I am right now.
4. Disaster. My hair, 8th grade year.
5. Dynamite. It's a sushi roll. It's. . . well. . . dynamite.
6. Delilah. The shmushy mushy radio lady, she makes my skin crawl.
7. Diet Pepsi. I'll take a central line, please.
8. Dove. Sensitive skin. Fabulous.
9. Difference. I'd like to make one.
10. Dainty. I'm not.
11. David. He's my brother-in-law. Very nice guy.
12. Dodge Neon. My favorite car, ever.
13. Dress. Last time I wore one was for my wedding.

Thirteen for Thursday

2009-05-14T11:10:00.002-05:00

I think I did last week's on Tuesday, thought I was doing it on Wednesday, and realized I had the wrong day about Sunday night or so. What can I say, I don't live by the constraints of a calendar.

Thirteen for "C"

1. Carol. My Granny who I am named after. Whom. Who. Whatever.
2. Curly Hair. I say curly when we all know I mean frizzy, but I can dream.
3. Crap. I say this word a lot. Just keeping it real.
4. Cauliflower. As long as it's not cooked.
5. Communications. My currently in-progress degree (less than a year left!).
6. Cooking. I enjoy thinking about ingredients and creating recipes.
7. Chicago. I love this town. I have been several times and would love to see more.
8. Cats. Allergic. And I don't like them.
9. Colors. Need them. Bright and Bold. No tan or taupe for me.
10. Candy. Especially rootbeer barrels or Brach's Butterscotch.
11. Cook books. I collect them. Old or new, as long as they're interesting.
12. Creative. I like opportunites to do this. Be this. To create.
13. CATO. Good store. Great prices.

The Niece

2009-05-09T23:42:00.004-05:00

I have many nieces and several nephews. One niece, Laura, is 3. She has been scared of Murphy for a while now. Yesterday, she came over and we took him for a walk. She did very well. We talked about praying when we're scared. So every time he looked at her, moved in her direction, sniffed or sneezed. . . she would stop and pray "Dear Jesus, thank you for helping me not be scared of Murphy" in her very cute 3 year old voice. Of course, this made our walk take much longer, but Murphy and I didn't mind.
She also asked me "Aunt Carrie, why does Murphy not have to wipe?" I had just responded with a half-amused "Because he just doesn't" when she came up with the answer on her own, "Is it because him's bottom is so tiny?"
I do so enjoy being involved in the development of a child. Dog therapy, spiritual training, and biology all in one walk. Happy Mother's Day to all my nieces and nephews Mama's! You all rock, and I am so glad you share your kiddos with me.

Love,

13 for Thursday

2009-05-05T22:48:00.000-05:00

13 for the letter "B"

1. Boring=only blogging on 13 for Thursday, and even then only once every 29 weeks.
2. Biscuits, preferably with my Granny's homemade plum jelly.
3. Bilingual. A goal of mine. Spanish.
4. Big cities. Chicago. New York. Kansas City. I love them.
5. Band Nerd. Flute. WHAT?!
6. Black shirts. I have at least 9.
7. Babies. Maybe. Maybe not.
8. Biology. Loved it. Except for pictures of cell division.
9. Baseball. Best watched live.
10. Books. Love them. Cookbooks. Mysteries. Fiction. Classics. Love love love them.
11. Bagels. With cream cheese. Or a sandwich. Or peanut butter and bananas.
12. Bachelor's degree. April 2010. Be there.
13. Big move. Which is partly to blame for where I've been. Lazy doesn't start with a "B" though.

13 for Thursday

2009-04-23T01:55:00.003-05:00

I saw this idea on another blog. . . and frankly I need some help being more regular. Consider this the bloggy version of Fiber all. And we will see if I make it all the way through the alphabet. Happy Thursday!

Thirteen for the letter "A'

1. Archery- I did not master this in junior high gym class. In fact, I may still have some wayward arrows near the ceiling of that building.
2. Avocados- I used to hate these. Now I don't. I love to experiment with different types of guacamole.
3. Angels- I believe in them. Not IN them, but that they are real. Bible says so.
4. Ambidextrous- Slightly. I'm a left-handed forced to be right-handed for scissors, can opening and various other afflictions.
5. Angel food cake- with strawberries. In the summer.
6. Abercrombie & Fitch (see how I got to this from "in the summer...in the summer" above? No??)- Don't wear it. Highly controversial. We did decorate our dorm room with the "soccer men" bags of 1997.
7. Apathy- sometimes I feel this. Usually after too many oreos.
8. Apples- sometimes I love them. Sometimes I don't.
9. Ambrosia- technically, I don't know if I've ever had this. But in my mind I hate it because I have placed it in the same category as meringue.
10. Aggie's- I come from a long line of them. Gig em'.
11. Attitude- me? No!
12. Adventure's In Babysitting- great movie!
13. Alicia- my baby brat sister who makes me laugh A.lot.

Tune in next week for even more Big Bad B...b...oh this was a great idea...

Movie Madness

2009-04-15T09:13:00.002-05:00

I saw this site http://www.xtranormal.com on another blog.
I tried it.
I loved it.
I laughed my head off.

God told me to buy new underwear

2009-04-08T17:22:00.002-05:00

Sometimes God speaks loudly. Sometimes he whispers. Sometimes he uses signs. Sometimes he speaks by not speaking. Man, I hate those times!
Last Saturday I did some flea marketing with a good friend of mine. At one of our last stops, I found a brand new treadmill for only $150. It was a good brand too. And by "good brand" I mean it looked (un-assembled) like it was sturdy and long lasting and would hold clothes and hangers and boxes really well. I had a dilemma. Now is not really the time to spend the money on a tread mill, even for such a great deal. So, I told the lady that I would think about it and maybe stop by this week. I should get points for this, if you're keeping track.
Also on my list of important topics: should I buy new underwear or just keep praying that I don't get in an car accident or some other catastrophe that gives the greater area medical community the opportunity to view evidence of my thriftiness? My answer on this was no, I have some perfectly good underwear that would be more comfortable if I met more often with the treadmill than the Braum's peanut butter cup ice cream (amen).
Today I stopped by the thrift store after work. The treadmill was gone. I wasn't even disappointed. I immediately calculated how much underwear $150 would buy. Too much, for sure, but rest assured, this Easter I will be holy in spirit only.

Tasty Tuesday

2009-04-07T20:43:00.003-05:00

Today I was going to make what my sister-in-law calls "White Trash Mix." Actually, it's what a lot of the Internet calls it too. We are having another fundraiser bake sale at work and it seemed much easier to melt some almond bark over random cereals, nuts, and candies.
(Please note, for work, I was planning on calling it bunny food or some other dumb theme related name. I took our culture-shaping workshop, I know better than to say "White Trash" . . .at work anyway)

I measured the ingredients into a gallon-sized Walmart zip lock bag. The zipper end worked. The other end did, in fact, not.

Dear Walmart, I would like my money back. For the bag. For the 4 kinds of cereal. For the peanuts, M&M's, and butterscotch chips. For the 25 minutes it took me to find my dustpan. You can keep the money for the pretzels.

Sincerely,

Soon and very soon

2009-04-04T13:59:00.002-05:00

It's April, but it feels like January on the Tundra. Still, as I drive around town, I see my favorite spots. There's the produce stand on Glenstone, the Commercials Street Farmer's Market, the F.M. at the mall, the farm in the middle of town. . . well those are pretty much my favorites. It makes me eager for spring to really arrive. So it's warm enough to leave the windows open at home or down in the car. When cooking is about creativity and not energy conservation. It's the time of year I am most able to convince myself that I could start a garden. I don't ever fully convince myself, but this is the time of year I can kind of think that maybe it might actually (and magically) happen.
However, when snow is in the forecast and you had to bundle up for some spring yard sale-ing, it's hard to believe any of it will happen. That's why I am clicking my flip-flops three times "there's no place like spring. . ."

Mom, whatever you do, do NOT read this post!

2009-04-01T23:20:00.004-05:00

Just a couple weeks ago, I wrote about finding stability this past year and feeling at home in my apartment. Even at that time, I knew I was already thinking about moving. I didn't want to jump to a decision for the wrong reasons, but I did have a few valid reasons for relocating. I gave it some thought and was still not decided.
I do love the downtown area, the character of the buildings, the busyness of things. I realized that in the past a majority of my adult life I have purposefully lived in older, more urban areas. I have seen and even lived in some very charming places.
That said, there were two issues that swayed me to moving out of this "big" city-like town and to another nearby town. I refuse to call it a suburb. I refuse. Anyway, a few weeks ago, a long-standing "issue" with a neighbor came to a screeching halt. There is an older man, mostly drunk, who has a sweet dog, Suzie. I have fed and watered Suzie when her owner was too drunk to put her inside, out of the blazing sun. I have kept Murphy in when he'd rather be on a walk b/c she agitates him to the point of snarling. I have led her back home to her chain when she's broken free. I have stood face to face with her owner, acknowledging that I did call the police/animal control when she was running into rush hour traffic, and I responded to his threats to slash my tires by informing him that I knew about 23 different area police officers. No, I will not track him down to confess my lie. And when he's not angry drunk he's disgusting drunk. About two or three weeks ago he knocked on my door. He started out talking about Suzie, and then offered me his. . . . well, his services. I never would have let him inside my house, but the fact that I stood in my doorway with him on my porch disturbed me enough that it took me 30 minutes to leave my house after that.
ANYWAY (apparently I needed the therapeutic release of typing all that). That led me to desire a more. . . peaceful location. So I have looked and compared and second-guessed and budget-checked and am sure I will be moving (at the end of the month woohoooo), and kinda almost fairly certain-ish that I know where to.
Then, tonight, as I was putting my laundry away (and by "away" I mean the basket is in my room instead of the living room), I saw him. My old nemesis. Not drunkie, but something worse.

He's here to talk about his family.
I killed them with much pleasure on a fairly regular basis last spring.
I will not miss him. Even though I missed him with my shoe.

I did, however, spray some of this junk in the general direction where he fell. That was after I spent 10 minutes searching for this can. So he may have crept away. To tell his friends.
Oh yeah, and just because the can says "botanical" don't mean it still don't stank.

So, thanks for bearing with me through Spiderpalooza 2009. Come back tomorrow and I will show you some super cute squishy baby pictures.

Tasty Tuesday

2009-03-31T22:06:00.002-05:00

This is not what I originally planned to make for dinner last night. But I'm no slave to structure (see how I made the recipe on MONDAY?). . . and technically, I had this for lunch today so it counts. You can breathe that type A sigh of relief now.

Super Tasty and Somewhat Healthy-ish Taco Salad

1 lb. ground turkey

1 can black beans (very well rinsed)

1-2 pkgs. of taco seasoning.

1 head of lettuce

2 Roma tomatoes (extremely well seeded)

green onions

taco sauce

sour cream (reduced fat)

shredded cheese of your choice

tortilla chips

1. Brown the turkey, add the beans and seasoning, simmer. In a perfect world I would have added a couple large handfuls of chopped cilantro after all of this was mixed, but last night it didn't happen.

2. Chop the lettuce. I use my super spiffy plastic knife thingie from Pampered Chef. Then put it in a large bowl filled with cold water to "rinse" it. Don't think about the dirt/grit that's in the bowl later when you strain it.

3. Wash and chop the veggies. I had onions b/c I love them and tomatoes b/c they're growing on me (chopped/diced very fine).

4. Layer the well drained lettuce, meat/bean mixture, and cheese in a large bowl. Put the cheese right on the meat so it will melt.

5. Top with tomatoes and onions, a few dabs of sour cream. Drizzle taco sauce LIGHTLY around the top of the bowl.

6. Grab a couple of handfuls of chips, crushing them slightly as you sprinkle them around the perimeter of the bowl (b/c it looks PURTY).

7. Show off your pretty bowl of taco salad (like I did at work today), and then dive in.

Here kitty kitty kitty. . . kitty...

2009-03-29T22:33:00.003-05:00

I am not a cat person. There could be a variety of reasons for this. First of all, I'm allergic. Second of all, I don't understand the appeal of an animal that licks itself to the point of the fur clogging their throat and then coughs up said fur as a token of appreciation for all to see. Third, cats are not dogs, and dogs (non-scary ones) rule. But, many of you are cat people. So when I saw this, I thought of you. I especially enjoyed the cat swinging from the ceiling fan. I bet that cat produced something other than fur balls.

Frugal Friday

2009-03-27T21:13:00.003-05:00

I don't know about you, but I have not been couponing too much lately. First of all, I had about 20 boxes of cereal to go through! My niece now thinks that any time I see her, I should be bearing gifts of fruity cheerios and cocoa puffs. I haven't been planning lists or thinking before I grocery shop, either. But I also have not shopped a whole lot.
I did make a quick run to Walmart tonight. I had no plan, other than needing milk. I have decided to go ahead and move (may write more on that later) and found a place today. So my goal is to not buy any more groceries between now and then (May 1st), save a few bananas or loaf of bread. My goal is to use what I have in my cabinets and eat lots of sandwiches too.
As I was walking through the cheese and lunch meat area tonight, I saw one of those BIG HONKIN' HAMS. The kind you can take up to the deli counter and have them slice (as long as you're prepared for the heavy sigh and glaring look from the guy who has to manually slice 5 lbs of ham), then take home and bag in normal sized portions and freeze. The thought occurred to me, where did I first see that frugal habit? From my parents, of course! I remember my mom doing the same thing when we were kids, and helping her put away groceries and divide the ham when we got home. I also saw my parents participate in a food co-op, make use of produce given to us out of church friends' gardens, shop sales, and cook mostly from homemade. Not that I cared back then, I just wondered why our "Doritos" were such a weird, scary, dark dark shade of orange. But now, even though I am not feeding a family of 7 (thank you Lord!), I still use those habits, along with the new ones I've picked up along the way.
What frugal habits did your parents use that you also use with your family? What new things do you do? Do you find yourself (in these economic times blah blah blah) making more homemade things than prepackaged, boxed, or take-out? Do your kids or spouses notice?
Eventually, I will actually start writing entries on my cooking blog. I'm kind of waiting for the Farmer's Market to start up, because that is one of my favorite things to cook from. And this year, more than ever, I will be trying creative ways to cook what's in season. Turnips, anyone??

This week in Pictures

2009-03-24T19:35:00.005-05:00

(I am going to put this on a t-shirt)

I would like to give you the impression that my recent non-writing life has been filled wondrous and exciting adventures, keeping me too busy to stop and write them down. But, since I see most of you every day, that would be difficult to pull off. I will say that my days have been full (sometimes of naps and procrastination, but still full). And I do have some things to share with you. My dilemma is, do I squeeze 4-5 somewhat interesting things into one amazing-ish post? Or do I drag it out and give myself material to post on over the next several days?

Lucky for you, I am not a believer of delayed gratification. And besides, who knows what discoveries I might make tomorrow that will trump the info I have handy today?

So, without further blabbing...I bring you...

Sisters.
Like me-n-my sister, they share a humor that is often beyond comprehension of those around them. Lucky for me, we're related, so I sometimes understand it too.

WHY. . . would I show you a toe with a nail in bad need of a trim?
Also, those flip flops are the best 10 bucks I've ever spent.
Maybe because it's not a toe at all.
I have wanted to take a picture of this from the day I got my camera.

Luckily, I have a sister with a great sense of humor. It will carry her through the hardships of her disability. She can't text. She can barely bowl. That sucker gets stuck in the ball!!

This is my Aunt Nellie (and her mom, my Granny).

We will never get a picture of the both of them smiling but not acting silly. They are two of a kind. And when I was little and Nellie was a teenager, I used to try to get her in trouble so I could watch Granny chase her around the house with the fanny-whacker. I was horrible, but thankfully, as you can see above, they are no worse for the experience.

This is a disgusting toy my secret Santa gave me. Squeeze it, and it comes squishing out all around that net stuff (it's too gross to take a picture of). My cube-mate stole it because she likes gross stuff. And from time to time she would squish it in my direction, because she's MEAN. And then it BROKE. And I was so. . . grieved. . .

And there you have it. A peek into the randomness of my life.

Ta-da!!!

Tricks of the Trade

2009-03-14T12:52:00.008-05:00

How to take a picture of a 3 year-old and her birthday cake:

Start with a super sweet homemade cake, ignore the drippy icing,
focus on the millions of sprinkles.

Remind her that she helped make the cake! (we believe in slave labor around here).

Try to get her attention.

Try again. She is also mesmerized by the sprinkles. And tempted by the PINK PINK PINK frosting. She doesn't care that it's super drippy.

Tell her yes, it's ok if you have a nibble. It's your birthday cake and no one will know.
Except the four of you reading this. Shhhh....

Snap the picture quick! OR...wait until she's had a nap, and is much easier to work with.

Because. . .

No matter how many other....

cute, adorable, silly, squish you up pictures you've taken in the past 4 days

This is the one she has trouble posing for.

So, wait until AFTER her nap, and then the magic happens.

Happy Birthday, Mackenzie Jo!!

Cora Hay

2009-03-12T11:31:00.004-05:00

Yesterday, Jimmy's sweet grandma, Cora, passed away.

This is the sunset as I drove towards Salina, Kansas, to be with my (in-law) family.

When Jimmy and I were first married, Cora's senior apartments were at the end of our block. We invited her and a friend or two over for lunch one Sunday, and I made some kind of soup or chili type dish. It may have been a bit on the spicy side, and Cora asked if I had anymore corn muffins. Unfortunately, I did not, and with tears in her eyes and a kind smile on her face, she said "Oh, well I would love to take a little more water, then." She must have understood the delicate connection between a new bride and her ability to cook.

She was a very sweet lady who loved her family more than anything. She raised a great son (or 3), who happens to be my father-in-law, Joe, who in turn treated her with great tenderness and honor as he (and Mary) cared for her when she could no longer care for herself.

As grateful as I am for my "regular" family, I am also extremely grateful for my in-laws. I could not have picked a better, more loving bunch to marry into.

Frugal Friday

2009-03-06T19:47:00.005-06:00

I am new to couponing. I mean, I have taken a coupon or two to Wal-Mart or wherever and saved a buck or two, literally. But I am new to the bargain-sniffing, coupon-clipping, sale-finding, price-matching, some people actually MAKE money doing this. . . hard-core couponing world. I stumbled into this about a month ago and found that the concept already fit nicely into my frugal outlook on life. And you can't turn on the news without seeing this week's version of the coupon queen, a super-human mom of 3 or 4 or 16, who home schools, makes her own furniture, serves at church, and still has time to squeeze a $200.00/month grocery budget down to $27.99.

Raise your hand if you are already aware of the fact that that IS NOT ME. I do not have the capacity for that kind of organization, and as of yet, I am 16 kids shy of that scenario. I don't know what your family size is or how tight your budget has become. I will say that diving in can be super overwhelming and may even turn you off at first. But if you are truly interested in cutting some costs in your family, even if it's just on two items a year (like toilet paper and laundry soap), then stick your toe in and start saving.

So far, some of the sites I have found most helpful are:

http://www.moneysavingmom.com/ Start here. Even though she is taking some time off, she has some very helpful older posts on the basics of couponing, and even gives specifics for different stores (Dillon's, Walgreen's, CVS etc. . .).

http://ingoodcents.blogspot.com/ Like a lot of these blogs, this one is a good source for info, latest deals, and freebies from all over. Through the posts I have received free magazines, booklets full of coupons, and great insight on budget planning.
http://www.couponing101.com/ One more blog. This one really spells out the match-ups. I can look at her blog on Kroger (Dillon's), see in an instant if there's any super great deal, and put selected items on my list.
http://www.thecouponclippers.com/ Don't like the idea of messy coupon clippings from multiple papers all over the house? Just order multiples of the ones you know your family will need and this minister's wife and her crew will do the dirty work. You can also see what coupons are coming out in Sunday's paper before Sunday, in case you want to buy 2 or 12 papers.
http://www.ebay.com/ What? EBay? Yes. If your store is having a blow-out sale on something or you want to stock up on a particular item, do a quick search on EBay. I've only purchased one set so far, but I check it regularly.
http://www.cellfire.com/ and http://shortcuts.com/ Both load coupons directly to your Dillon's Plus card. And then you can use a regular paper coupon on top of that! I love this!
http://www.dillons.com/ I also have Price Cutter in my Coupons folder under my favorites. No more wondering what's on sale or trying to get a hold of the weekly flyer. Most chain stores (even Wal-Mart and Target) have their weekly flyers online. Much easier to prepare.

I think I will stop there for now. That is about as far as I have gone. I have not yet braved Walgreen's or CVS, but I know I eventually will try it, at least a couple times. I would caution you to not get sucked in to the "great deals" but to carefully plan around your budget and family needs. Otherwise, you might find yourself recovering from a coupon-induced daze wondering exactly how you ended up with 18 boxes of Cocoa Puffs. Not that I would know anything about that. It's not going to be for everyone (couponing, not Cocoa Puffs), but it is definitely worth a little consideration as a way to stretch your budget. Plus, when you find great deals, then you can post them online for everyone to envy, which is my favorite part.

Tasty Tuesday

2009-03-04T20:40:00.002-06:00

I can't believe I missed tasty Tuesday again. To be fair, I did create this http://startfreshfromherecooking.blogspot.com/ yesterday. Or was it Monday? Either way, I spent most of yesterday trying not to think about food and working on fever reduction. And today I made 4 gallons of my salsa for a fundraiser. . . so aside from smelling like fresh onions and garlic (and cilantro!), I am not very excited about recipes or cooking just yet.
Does anyone have a great homemade chicken soup recipe? I think I may make some this weekend, and I don't already have a trusty favorite.
I created the cooking blog because I wait in great anticipation for the spring opening of our local farmer's markets. I can't wait to start exploring and expanding my horizons. Do you visit your farmer's market or produce stands? What do you like best?

Murphy meets Baby

2009-03-01T22:20:00.005-06:00

We had house guests this weekend. My cousin Myrenda, her husband Kenny, and daughter MiraBella spent Saturday and Sunday with us. This was Murphy's first experience sharing his home with a BABY. MB is 8 months old and SUPER CUTE. We weren't sure how Murphy would do sharing his SUPER CUTE spotlight.

MiraBella thought Murhpy reminded her of a Snuggle Fabric Softener bear.

Mama Myrenda was really worried about Murphy being to close to MB.
Can you see the concern on her face?

They were fast friends.

MB wanted to tell Murph all her troubles.

Then it was Murph's turn.

Then they reminded each other they were a baby and a dog and had no real troubles.

Murphy took advantage of MiraBella's nap to get some 2 on 1 attention.
He's really suffering with these house guests.

We were glad to see this sweet family and get to spend some time together. As I type this, Murphy is making his 167th lap around the house checking to see if they really are for real really gone and really for real not here anymore.
To the Donovan Family, thanks for spending a chilly weekend with us, we love you!!

He's trying...really he is.

2009-02-25T20:04:00.005-06:00

Murphy is generally a good, make that GREAT dog. He's not too hyper, 99.9% potty trained, likes his space, is ALWAYS up for a road trip, and is super cute. If I say so myself. He has lived in an apartment for almost a year. It's the end of a 5-plex, so it's not so different from his former house. He has a chair by the window so he can watch people outside. He mimics the ambulance/firetruck sirens, like in his old neighborhood. He still feels the need to give a menacing growl-turned-bark when he doesn't like the looks of whoever is walking past. This habit is annoying, and I'd like to break him of it for my sake as well as the neighbor's.
My main method is to squirt him with the water bottle while saying "No!" in a firm voice. I can do this from pretty much anywhere in the room. I'm not sure it's that effective. Sometimes he raises an eyebrow in annoyance. Sometimes he shakes his head and body as if he were a female lifeguard on "Baywatch" fresh from the salty ocean. At some point he always wants to sit by (or ON) me after this. And he always smells like a wet dog. I seem to be at the short end of this discipline deal and I wonder, is it safe to Febreeze a dog?

Tasty Tuesday

2009-02-24T19:09:00.003-06:00

This recipe is both simple and frugal. As Hannah Montana would say, it's the best of both worlds! In case you didn't know it by now. . . I am a dork. I own it. Love it or leave it.
My sister and I first learned how to make these cookies in G.A.'s, back in the day. I still use this recipe (with a modification or two) any time I need to make peanut butter cookies. And I'm using the word "need" loosely.

So Simple Peanut Butter Cookies

1 cup of peanut butter (creamy or crunchy)
1 cup of sugar
1 egg

Blend together. I usually add a spoon or two of flour to help them hold together better. A pinch of salt, maybe some vanilla. This is why I don't bake, even THIS recipe is to constrictive for me.

Spoon, roll, use a cookie scoop, drop onto a cookie sheet, dip a fork in a shallow bowl of sugar and press into each dough ball, making a criss-cross pattern.

Bake at 350, approximately 8-10 minutes.
Sometimes I double the recipe, add another 1/3 cup of p.b. to the dough and a bag of chocolate chips, and press into my rectangular baking stone. This bakes for about 12-15 minutes, then let cool before slicing into cookie bars.

Sorry there are no pictures. To do that I would have to do some dishes and then actually bake these tonight. I'm baking them tomorrow. Use your imagination.

Coupon-a-rama

2009-02-23T20:26:00.006-06:00

Two posts in one day, I know! The joy. . .
I have been testing the waters of the couponing world. There are some great sites out there, and I'm learning a lot. So far, I really just focus on Dillon's, but this week our Price Cutter had a "Buy one get one free" sale, so I took some coupons there and. . . I really needed to stock up on pretty much any/everything (amazing what cleaning out the fridge will do for you), so I was just looking for deals and less boxed meals/more whole foods. The total was 48.00, with a savings of about 53%. The cereal was buy one get one free, and I had some $1/3 coupons. I bought a LOT b/c I could, and in hindsight I probably should have just bought about 1/2 the amount of cereal I did. Live and learn. The eggs were the special of the day, .69/dozen, limit 2. Grands were 4/$4, plus I had $1/3. I didn't realize Price Cutter would double coupons, so that was cool. Then, I had Cellfire coupons that were going to expire, so I headed over to Dillons. . .

The total here was about 14.00, total savings about 55%. Snack mixes were about .97/each after double coupons and Cellfire. Everything else had a coupon except for the kielbasa sausage and tortilla chips. There's more snack/frozen food in this one, but the coupons made for great and convenient deals, and if being able to pop a breakfast Lean Pocket in the microwave keeps me from a quick run through a drive through, then I call that well worth it.
I am definitely stocked up for a month or more, minus some more fresh fruit, veggies, and milk (HA!). I am still pretty new to this, and I don't know yet how big a part of my life and budget couponing will become, but I have to say, every little bit helps and I am at the very least glad I've experienced some success.

Home Sweet Home....FINALLY!

2009-02-23T19:55:00.004-06:00

A year ago (well, 11 months) I was packing up my house and preparing to move to an apartment. The circumstances that led me to leaving the 100+ year old house that I loved, the old house with the huge windows and REAL hardwood floors, with the front porch AND front stoop, the house with all the potential and some of the dreams...those circumstances that were leading me to leave one chapter were opening a new one. This one would be called "Stability." Not "Here are all the answers" or "Everything will now fall magically into place," just "Stability." That one thing was so important to me, I needed it for so long, long before I even knew I was missing it. And so I moved. Some of my circumstances came with me (I'll talk about this soon. . . maybe), and some of them didn't. My new apartment was truly a godsend. Affordable. Old neighborhood (almost as old as the one I was leaving). Character. Big windows. Hardwood (pergo?) floors. Small enough to feel cozy and big enough to be a home (like my house).
This past year has brought more questions for me than answers. I wish I had a long-term plan and could tell people I know for sure what will happen. I don't and I can't. What I can do is give a status report. I have lived in the same place for (about) a year. I am no longer going from job to job as we move from town to town. I am in school again (answer to lots of prayers, I know). I live a simple life. I go to work, I come home. I spend time with my family. I go to church (if you don't count the holidays). My goals are simple. Continue to do what I'm doing until God tells me something different.
Off and on this past year I have thought about moving. I have ALWAYS been an apartment/house seeker. What's out there? New and shiny? Old and charming? (Old and charming always wins with me) And up until the past week, I really thought I would move to a different, quieter, location when my lease is up. That feeling has been growing dimmer. This home that I've created is not big on fancy furniture or the latest gadgets, but it has become a haven for me, a calm, consistent place to do what I have to do, to put my life back together, to prepare for what may come, to get to the point where I can be excited about things again, to look forward to things, to enjoy whatever there is to enjoy.
Before the inspirational music starts to roll. . . let me just say that the odds are high that if you are reading this, then you already know part or most of my story. And that means that you have been part of what has been so good for me this past year, the growing relationships, the support, the prayers, the movie going partner and chips and salsa partaker. So thank you. Feel free to stop by sometime, I'll make you dinner or a glass of sweet tea.

Frugal Friday and a Blizzard

2009-02-20T22:14:00.003-06:00

This is going to be what you might call a "low-maintenance" post.

It's Frugal Friday, so I used a coupon to get 99 cents off a DQ Blizzard. Did I NEED a Blizzard? Did I need to spend the couple of bucks on the creamy, cold ice cream swirled with tiny bits of chocolate covered toffee? IS THIS POST CALLED FITNESS FRIDAY or FRUGAL FRIDAY...

Coupons rock. I have just been sucked into the world of couponing. I don't know yet whether I'm here to stay or just for a visit. Organization has never been my strength, so I have yet to figure out how to keep them all organized while I wait for just the right sale that's going to get me a cart full of groceries for mere pennies. I think this week I will take a look at a couple of stores and compare how my regular grocery list totals at each store, without coupons.

Which stores do you shop at for the best bargains? Do you use coupons? A lot or a little?

Do you go to one store for certain items and another store for others? Don't you wish you had a Blizzard like me??

Tasty Tuesday. . .er...Wednesday...whatever, it's tasty time.

2009-02-18T20:48:00.004-06:00

If this tells you anything about how my week is going, I just now realized that "Tasty Tuesday" posting opportunities had past. Even though I am fully aware that today is Wednesday. And that Wednesday almost always comes after Tuesday. Really, I blame the 3 day weekend. And reduced sleep. And I had dinner with Dear Old Dad (it's what he calls himself) last night, so I blame Japan-time, even though we had dinner right here in the U.S. But now that I think about it, we DID have pancakes. That's probably why when my alarms went off (yes, alarmS) this morning I laid (lay, lie. . .lain...)...I stayed in bed, trying to figure out WHAT THE HECK WAS GOING ON??? Was it night? Was it a weekend? For some reason I thought it was about 8:30 p.m. and I needed to get up and get ready for bed.
So, that's my week. And I could have skipped "Tasty Tuesday" all together, but I figured that I didn't want to disappoint the hundreds of you...ok the ONE of you who might have read last week's first ever T.T. (heh heh) and been waiting patiently for the second installment.
This week, I am introducing you to the first recipe that I really "experimented" with. Some kids experiment with drugs, with hairstyles and colors, with. . .other choices. I experimented in the kitchen. Once, when my parents and brothers were out of town on a mission trip, I made dinner for my sisters and (very indulgent) grandparents. We had "pizzas" on canned biscuit crusts and I'm pretty sure there was sliced cheese involved. And a chocolate cake with blue lemon-flavored frosting for dessert.
Did I say this was the first recipe I experimented with? What I mean was this was the first recipe that I consistently thought about, tried out (on many, many people)and tweaked until I was completely satisfied with it. I've grown so comfortable with it that now I enjoy coming up with variations. (It's SALSA by the way...yummy saucy salsa!) Last summer I was at the farmer's market, corner produce stand, and local orchard every time I had the chance. I won't go into all that (because this has lasted long enough already), but let's just say that every sunday our community group classroom smelled like the heaven that is onions and garlic and jalapenos, because I would bring it by the bucket for people to take home and try out. And I LOVED it!
Also, you might want to buy some gum, this stuff is BOLD. and p.s. I LOVE CILANTRO.
This makes a HUGE batch.

Cilantro Addiction Salsa

2 large cans (28 oz) crushed tomatoes
2-3 large cans diced tomatoes.
1-1.5 cups of vinegar
1/4 cup lime juice
1 T salt

Dump these in a bowl, stir around, let them sit while you do the other stuff. Also, if you like smoother salsa, exchange the diced tomatoes for more crushed. This is the winter version, in summer, use fresh tomatoes that have been seeded.

4-6 jalapeno peppers, fresh
4-6 cloves of garlic
1 large white onion, or 2 medium/small
1 large bunch of cilantro, washed and dried on paper towels

Onion-chop roughly. Throw into a food processor/chopper. Pulse until fine. There will be some chunkier pieces, this is ok. Pour in with tomatoes, stir.
Garlic-peel, and place whole or after a chop or two, put in food chopper. Cut the stems of jalapenos, cut open and scrape out seeds (leave them if you like heat). Chop into a couple of pieces, put in food chopper. Pulse the garlic and jalapenos until it forms a frothy green liquid. Keep some kleenex nearby as this will probably jalapeno-ize your house. Add that mixture to the tomatoes. Cilantro-pull off any brown or soggy/over wilted leaves. Chop roughly and place in food chopper. I use stems and all, I don't know if that's proper or not but who gives a rip. Pulse until very finely chopped. Add to the tomato mixture. Stir very well to mix all ingredients. Taste, add more salt if necessary. More lime juice if needed. Whatever else, if needed.
This batch makes plenty to share and freeze. I don't usually can (ok I don't EVER) b/c I don't like the way the heat makes this mushier. But you can certainly try if you'd like. It should keep in the fridge for a week or so. If it tastes like moonshine, throw it out.
Enjoy!

Sam's Club = Great Entertainment

2009-02-14T23:26:00.004-06:00

I'm going to tell you a short and funny story about a trip I took today. It's not mind blowing literature or a philosophical meditation. It's an excuse to try out a new feature in this little baby of a blog.
BS (baby sister) came to town today for some fun Valentine Day hijinx. hijincks. hi-jinks. For some fun VD (hahaha yes I know how bad that looks) adventures. I welcomed her to the city with a fresh grilled cheese sandwhich (with my secret ingredient). Then we were off to Sam's club. She recently joined because, as a single adult with no kids or pets or other people to provide for, she sees the need to be able to buy toilet paper by the year and butter by the bucket. Not that I judge her, she scored me a free membership as well.
Now when I run in on my lunch break for some cheap and fabulous pizza, I no longer have to point to the concession area and yell loudly for the senior McWorker checking I.D.'s that day, I can just flash them my membership card and hope they have cataracts to keep them from noticing my hair's impersonation of Weird Al/Kenny G. identity crisis in the tiny grainy photo, and head to the pizza line.
Did somebody dangle a shiny object in front of me, because I KNOW that's not the story I started out to tell.
OK, we're at Sam's Club with approximately 68% of the tri-county area, she's returned her jeans and we're taking the Sample Loop. Salmon, cheese cake, cream puffs, and some kind of weird pancake with jelly in it that I would never EVER buy a 6 month supply of. We are heading to the front of the store when I get side tracked by the cookware. Oh Paula Deen, why must your skillets be so pretty? In that same aisle are some furniture pieces.
Baby Sister whispers to me, "Look at that guy trying out those chairs." In a furniture store this would be no problem. But at Sam's the furniture is simply on the bottom shelf/floor under the huge towers of Must Have Items In Bulk Amounts.
I say to BS, "Oh yes, that's so interesting. . . see the pretty shiny skillet...oooh so shiny,"
and the next thing we know we hear "Help help heellllllllllp!!!"
I look to where the man had been sitting in the chair and I see neither man nor chair. I see the under workings of the chair and I see his feet dangling in the air, attempting to kick himself back over. His wife is pushing down on his feet to push him upright. BS and I are laughing our heads off while walking over to assist. We're not evil, the man and his wife are also laughing while he continues to yell "Help help help" in a pre-hysterical manner. I offer him my hand while his wife pushes the chair down. . . he tries to regain his dignity and walks off with her (she never stopped laughing) and BS and I turn our own way still laughing. In the next aisle a man is trying another chair (this one's a massage one, oh boy) and as we pass I say to him, "Whatever you do, do NOT try the recliner the next aisle over." And for the rest of the day my sister would say "Help help Heellllllp" in the same voice as the man. Because we are very sympathetic. And find the humor in EVERYTHING. At least today we were not in church so we didn't have to do the silent laughter that is expressed through body shaking that bounces the entire pew. Not that that isn't fun as well.
Lesson of the day: Always remember to put your camera back in your purse.

P.S. Tell me if you can guess what the new feature was that I tried out today.

Dear Mr. President

2009-02-13T22:54:00.004-06:00

Dear Mr. President,

. . . . .what she said . . . . . .

Signs of the times...and the first Frugal Friday

2009-02-12T23:51:00.005-06:00

I thought I might start a "Frugal Friday" routine. To help get in the habit of blogging more regularly. Frugal seems to be in right now, during These Hard Economic Times. And since it is not likely that any of my near and dear will directly benefit from the Bail Out, I will do my part to share the frugal tips, tricks, and practices I have come across.
What are my qualifications, you ask? Well, not only did I grow up in a large family, I have been a college student, worked for non-profit companies most of my adult life, and have basically been just like any other average American. There you go, it's not like I'm performing brain surgery or revamping your financial life-plan.
So, for our very first Frugal Friday together I will simply make a Deep and Philosophical observation about how I can measure the economic times in my own life.
First, I am not a "high maintenance" girl. I don't own a flat iron, I've had the same three bottles of nail polish for about 4 years, and my idea of great clothes shopping is to find a shirt I like and buy it (on sale) in several colors. However, I am still a girl. And one thing I do DO is get my eyebrows waxed. I started doing this in high school and have experienced waxing in various price ranges. I've been to the fancier salon. I've been to the Wal-Mart Hack Em' Up salon. I've been to the Missouri College of Cosmetology. Wax is wax. Ripping hair out by the roots is ripping hair out by the roots. So, 9 times out of 10, I go to MoCo of Cosm. (I made that abbreviation up myself). It's 5 bucks. The students there are so intent and learning their craft and living their dream that they do a great job.
However, when things get busy or the budget gets tight, I tend to postpone the trip "for another week." It rarely rises to urgent status on my priority list because I always know I'll get to it when I get to it. Except lately. Between These Economic Times, and some annoying health issues, I have been home bound more than normal. Not in an elderly bring me a meal kind of way, but still. And because of that, I've missed some days at work. Which means I've missed some of my dollar friends on my paycheck. See where I'm going with this? So putting it off and putting it off has compounded to the point where I FEEL like I have one great big grandaddy long brow. I know this is not entirely so (and aren't you grateful I'm posting ZERO pictures on this post??), and I know if I got really desperate, I could tweeze (TORTURE). But I haven't, so I won't.
I think I had a point somewhere here, other than revealing embarrassing hygiene information about myself. . . oh yes. When times get tight, we cut out the extra stuff. I'm also rationing my Diet Pepsi to last me through the next pay day, but that's another exciting discussion.
What do you cut back on first when the budget crunch comes? What one thing do you HAVE to have, that is the last to go? I want to know!
Meanwhile, if you see me around in the next week or so, try not to stare at my eyebrow.
Have a Frugal Friday,
Grandaddy Long Brow

Tasty Tuesday

2009-02-10T21:35:00.012-06:00

Pardon me while I get my blog bearings. Just because I haven't written...doesn't mean I haven't had things to write about. So many choices. To write about everything at once, to separate out by subject matter. To realize I am not nearly that advanced in my blog-ness yet. So tonight I bring to you . . . . (drum roll?). . . a typical Tuesday night.

This week seems to be all about the social food gatherings. We have our once a month "Food Day" at work tomorrow, my cohort has decided to start bringing snacks every week (Thursday), and Friday we are having our bake sale and silent auction at work to benefit the American Heart Association. Last weekend, when I was planning my week and groceries, I thought I'd make it simple and make the same thing for each event. Banana cake. I tried it recently, with much success. And then today I began having doubts. Not doubts, so much as the laziness of not wanting to go to the store to pick up the remaining ingredients.

Only, I call laziness my good sense and frugality, why not use something I already had everything for? OR--why not skip the whole mess? Eventually I decided on mashed potatoes. Fancy, I know. Probably won't win our "Golden Spoon" competition, but will be a good, solid stomach coater for all of the hot wings, meatballs, little smokies, queso, etc. . . that will be present tomorrow. So, without further blabbing, I give you.....

Roasted Garlic Mashed Potatoes

1/2 a bag of your basic russet (?) potatoes. Scrubbed, chopped, skin on. Big ol' pot of water, slowly bring to a boil. Worry that the potatoes on the bottom will burn. Stir a lot. Boil, then simmer for about 20-25 minutes. Use your good sense. Test one with a fork.

This is roasted garlic. Better known as "a little clove of heaven." There are several ways to roast it. I wrap it in foil (don't close the foil), either cut the ends off or not, in the oven for 15-20 minutes at about 325-ish.

These are the bananas I am going to use later in the week. They are about 3 days past when I would eat them myself, and their ripe smell is grossing me out while I make the potatoes. I can't wait until tomorrow when I have to deal with their mushy disgusting-ness.

Sometimes I like to make fancy potatoes. I almost always use a little milk or sour cream if there's no milk on hand. Today, I used what I had on hand. And half-way through I added some condensed milk. Oh, by the way, I have a 1/2 gallon of milk in my fridge. But guess what. It's spoiled. Surprise surprise. I'm not even using real butter in these! And that broth? Dollar Tree, no joke. For the sake of time and not killing you with boredom...I am not including the pictures showing how to drain potatoes, how to put a couple spoons of butter in the bowl and pour the potatoes on top. If you have questions about this process, I can email you the pics. These are the potatoes after just beginning to mix with the mixer. Salted and peppered. A couple of glugs of broth. No measurements, use your judgement. This is also the point that I was glad I had a can of condensed milk in the cabinet b/c I needed more liquid, but did not want to keep adding chicken broth.

Here are the final results. They are a little creamier than I would normally make, but they have to be in a crock pot all day and my hope is to prevent crust-o potatoes. Here's hoping. I love that you can see bits of potato skin in there. And see that little yellow lump towards the right? That's a roasted garlic clove that did not get smushed to smithereens by the mixer. Hopefully, whoever gets that bite tomorrow will also have some gum on hand. Or not sit near me.

Oh, and this is Murphy on a typical Tuesday night. He won't come in the kitchen b/c he's scared of the child gate, even when it's not up. But he must keep an eye on me at ALL times, no matter how much he'd rather be napping.

I think that I will try to post something every Tuesday related to cooking. I love cooking, experimenting, making people test my results. . . so, see you next Tuesday.

No pressure or anything

2009-01-27T18:39:00.004-06:00

Lately, I have been reading blogs way more than attempting to write in them. I have gotten caught up in the "this blog mentions this blog which refers to that blog and hey this funny friend is on that blog..." of it all. And the funniest part? They are strangers. Oh, I read my friends' blogs too...but this chain-o'-blog addiction type...thing...has been pretty cool too. First of all, it satisfies my subconscious stalker urge. I've peeked into the lives of many women lately. Moms, friends, daughters etc... and have come back encouraged and uplifted. I have watched a mom in Arkansas struggle with the health issues of her new born baby, checked out the recipes of a mom in (I think) Mississippi and another in Texas. I have looked and listened.
And then thought...what do I have to write about? The thought didn't discourage me or give me blog-envy (much)...but my busy stalking-ness did occupy my would-be blogging time.
And I do have ideas and thoughts and little snippets of my life that I'm looking forward to sharing with all 3 or 1 of you who read this. But right now, I guess you could say I am the "grasshopper" learning from the....who is it that says "ahh....very good grasshopper" ? ? ?

So...what have I been doing this week? Thanks to Heather's blog at http://nothnagelnews.blogspot I learned that I could save between 50-60% on my groceries at Dillons. I followed her tips, clipped some coupons, took my plus card and i DID save. And I had very VERY few coupons compared to the "pro's."
And, thanks to http://www.thebigmamablog.com, I have laughed and laughed. I like this one so much that I even read lots of her old posts...really old ones.
And because of http://www.audreycaroline.blogspot I had my first (and second, and third) good cry of 2009.
Those are a taste of what I've been reading...who I've been "meeting."
When I get a little more blog savvy I will put up that list of blogs I read...starting with http://www.deanandshelley.blogspot . :)
Until then...I will stay right here in my toasty little igloo and try not to think of the amount of work it will take to chisel out my car tomorrow morning.

Commitment Issues

2009-01-13T17:38:00.005-06:00

I have commitment issues. I bring this up because it was my biggest drawback to starting a blog. I have all the evidence I need to support this theory. Plastic storage tubs full of patterns and material. Yarn. Empty photo albums. Several years worth of unwritten and un-sent Christmas cards (and a VERY Merry Christmas to you!). All the supplies for Pampered Chef business success. . . and so on. The yarn is especially ambitious as I can only crochet in a straight line and sometimes turn.

But I have a theory about my theory. I think that all of my commitment issues can be solved with one basic issue. If I could only resolve this one issue...stay committed just long enough...I believe that all of my other procrastinations and postponements would start to fall into place.

Don't think I haven't tried. Again. And again and again. Sometimes, after several failures, I will give up for a while...but I always go back to it. THIS time will be different. THIS time I will see it through to the end. If I just do this...or that..this time I will remain committed.

I did this today. Went through my little conversation in my head. Convinced myself for the 10 billionth time that THIS time was it.

This is the milk that I threw out today because...

of this milk I bought at Wal-Mart (and also b/c it expired LAST YEAR),
even though...

this one still has a cereal bowl's worth of milk left.
I feel the calcium seeping from my bones as we type.

addiction

2009-01-06T21:28:00.002-06:00

when writing...i find i'm addicted to the .... it's the nonverbal form of "yaddah-yaddah-yaddah." and it's lazy. and it leaves so much to the reader's imagination. and what kind of writer would i be if i didn't help grow your imagination? you're welcome!
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What I missed out on today

2009-01-04T15:08:00.003-06:00

Today, all of my side of the family is meeting for our "Christmas." We generally do ours on New Year's Day or the first Saturday after...whatever works. This year we did the first Sunday after, due to work schedules. We're a pretty laid-back and flexible family. I didn't get to go because I've been struggling with some minor but very annoying illness issues. I could have gone, I could have driven the 2 hours there, 2 hours back, and spent the day with various siblings, cousins, aunts and uncle, and grandparents. I weighed the issue and once I decided not to go and that hour of no return passed...I regretted it. Even though I know that it would have sapped me of the energy I've been "working" all weekend to save...I know that I have missed out on something.

Not on gifts. I have long exceeded the age limit for gift buying at this event (sniff sniff). And though I'm sure the food was good...I am not missing that. Even the fun and chaos of a gathering...I am ok with that. What I missed out on was the chance to be in the presence of the two people pictured above. That's Grandad and Granny, to you (well, to me anyway). In the pictures they are holding my nephew Lane, born a few weeks ago in December (to my brother Mark and his wife Kristin). My grandparents love ALL their kids, grandkids, and great-grandkids. No doubt about it. But Lane, in his brand new life, has already filled a spot in their hearts. He is named after my uncle, Layne, who lost a brave, brave battle with cancer 21 years ago this December. And by sharing his name, Lane is both a tribute to a beloved uncle, and an honor to his parents, the son they still grieve is not forgotten. This little Lane even has a reddish tint to his hair, like his great uncle did. And this little one, like the rest of us, will benefit from the heritage of growing up under these grandparents.

That's what I'm missing most today (man can I get off track, or what??). Whenever I am around them, for an official celebration or just a quick minute...I always leave with a little bit of encouragement. Granny has long been president of my fan club. She sends me encouraging emails or letters (back in the day), she asks me the hard questions, she tells me what she thinks, and most of all--she reminds me that they are both praying for me daily. DAILY. Grandad is the detail manager. Is my car running ok? How's work? What class am I taking now? Here, let me fix your computer. They've been married for well over 50 years. They will never be rich (in money) and they won't leave any of us with an earthly inheritance. But they have set the example, the standard, of how to live out your faith in everyday life. And they have given us a heritage that can not be bought for all the money in...wherever. And today I miss seeing them.

P.S. After getting my computer "cleaned up" my screen saver now mysteriously says "Granny and Ole Grandad love you!!!" :)

I blog because....I can?

2009-01-03T16:34:00.001-06:00

I never intended to get sucked into the "blogging" world. But vast amounts of free time and the enjoyment of friends' and family's blogs has opened the door for me. Finally, a way to share the thoughts, however random, that are in my head. MY HEAD! I think back to my childhood, when vacations always had at least one (or 7) rolls of film that didn't quite fit in with the "family stands in front of Alamo" theme. Not my pictures, but my mom's. Most of the time we just thumbed through those with the passing thought--oh Mom, people's feet? Really?--and then moved on...but possibly, had she had the outlet of BLOGGING, my mom might not have been so misunderstood.
So...in my life...what are my everyday thoughts and reactions? What's bugging me...what cracks me up...what's it to you? No idea. But that's part of the draw. I won't try to sell you on this blog. I am sure to have my "rolls and rolls of feet pictures." But then, it's my blog. My pictures. My feet. Or, probably not so much my feet...but we'll see how the wind blows.
I will say that I mulled this over for several weeks (and by "mulled" I mean I would randomly think about it for about 2.6 seconds whenever it popped into my head), and my biggest worry was, what to name my blog. We name our dogs based on restaurants and street signs we pass along the way home (thus papa MURPHY and Sassy red--miss you Sassy). I did want my blog to represent more than just my superficial thoughts...and "Start Fresh From Here" is kind of the motto or lesson that I have been learning for a while now. More on that later. Anyway, thanks for 'stopping by' and I hope to see and hear more from you in the future.